Hope you had a really special Christmas. We had a nice family time here. I must have been very good this past year (or more likely Santa just didn't find out) as I am typing on my new laptop. I have been holding on to my PC with white knuckles. Couldn't imagine that anything could be faster or more efficient. So now, here I am with my much-more-powerful-than-I-will-ever-need laptop sitting at the kitchen table right next to my PC. Old habits are just hard to break.
TWO-THOUSAND-ELEVEN. I have a bit of a pit in my stomach just thinking about it. We have put so much stock on starting a new year with hope and much gratitude. Our son is home and we are moved and settled. It's all good. Why am I uneasy? Probably because the last two weeks have reminded me not to be so confident that I know, or have any control over, what is going to happen next.
- Got a call mid-afternoon of Thursday a week before Christmas. That dreaded call....again. #1 son was in jail. He was pulling out of a parking lot and made a right turn without coming to a complete stop. He was pulled over by a policeman and happened to have on a belt that had brass knuckles on it. (I've never seen the belt but supposedly they were part of the buckle.) He was arrested for a prohibited weapon. He had to stay in jail until he could go before a judge on Friday morning. He was charged with a misdemeanor and bond was set at $2500. We called a bondsman who charged us $390. When they called, they were told that he had an "investigative hold" on him. Meaning = they were making sure that they could not find something else to charge him with. Of course, I do understand that they have a boy/man who has just been out of prison for 6 months; has all kind of tattoos; no steady job, etc. He doesn't exactly look like "John Q Public" and I sure that his mouth was running the whole time. The "hold" was not taken off until Saturday mid-morning. Two nights in jail over a belt buckle. Granted, stupid on his part, but SERIOUSLY???
- The plans had already been made for Hub to drive out that Saturday and pick up #1 and his girlfriend to bring them here for Christmas. After a restless night, we both got up at 4 a.m. and Hub got on the road at 5 that morning. We went straight to the jail and waited for him to be released. He also paid $200 to get the car that #1 was driving out of the auto pound. (It belonged to a friend.) $600 the week before Christmas and he still has to go to court.
- Hub showed up Saturday evening with #1, the girlfriend AND......wait for it......their ever growing puppy. That was when the other shoe fell. THEY are moving in with us. No one asked my opinion. Hub and the girlfriend made this decision on the way up. She says that the influences are just too strong and she is afraid that he will get in trouble. She really seems to love him. Not sure why she puts up with him sometimes.
- Today, Hub took them back and will rent a truck to bring back the little bit of furniture that they have and the rest of their things. Of course, this includes the bed that we had just bought them after Thanksgiving. Now, it will have to be stored.
Everything has happened so fast, I'm not sure totally where I stand on all of this. I'm very apprehensive, yet I realize that our son truly needs more help to get started. He simply does not possess the life skills to operate as an independent, responsible adult. He was born with a deficit and has lost about 4 years of life lessons to grow into it. As much as I want it to be different and sometimes demand it to be different, that fact has not changed. This isn't a case of totally enabling him as much as it is dealing with a tough situation honestly.
So that is where we are. Our household grew overnight from 3 to 5 plus 3 dogs and 1 cat. Can you say Zoo? The puppy is really sweet but driving everyone a bit nuts. Especially the 4-legged family members. She has already grown from being the smallest into the #2 position. She will end up being the largest.
The girlfriend is a sweetheart and we are trying to negotiate the "two women in one house" logistics. She has been trying to help and is good about keeping #1 in line. #2 son is crazy about her and she has given him some much needed special attention. Hub says that she's the cheapest babysitter we have had. (Shame he is talking about her babysitting #1.) They both are under strict orders that they both have to have jobs immediately after the 1st. Girlfriend already has some leads. #1 has decided that he wants to be a "mystery shopper". Oy vey!!!!
Later.
4 comments:
Stay strong, and start reading some Tough Love books. You and hubby need to make some rules that the two of you agree on (write them down so you don't forget them) and then hold everyone to the rules. It's hard to believe, but the ones you love so dearly and want only the best for can and will destroy your home and marriage. Is it worth it? All it takes is knowing when to show them the door.
BTW, Santa brought me a new laptop too!
The penguins must be homage to your northern friends...
I gotta say, I gasped when I read they were moving in. Gasped.
I know your hubby wants to keep him close and protect him, but he needs some strict policies in place. Make it slightly uncomfortable for them to be there. It will push him to want to get out faster.
I will keep you in my thoughts. If you want to have a phone chat next week or something, email me and I'll give you a call!
Oh, honey, I know you're hurting. His problems have become yours, and that's not right.
Jomamma's advice is good: written rules with consequences and a deadline. And hold them to it. They are guests in your home. How will #1 learn life skills if he's not using them? Remember: offer advice, not money, and stand back and let him make the choices. He has no reason to change if you don't let him feel the consequences of his actions. I know how hard this is. My prayers for all of you.
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