Hello....It's me!

WOW!  July 3 was the last time I wrote anything.  Surprising, but at the same time, maybe not so much. 

Still living in Arkansas; still married.  Hoping to leave Arkansas; hoping to stay married.  Actually, after many ups and downs, Hub and I are in a better place and I am just anxious for us to live under the same roof again.  I think we have many years of "fighting it out" left in us; in a normal married kind of way.  :)  

There has been a little flurry of home showings lately.  Weather is gorgeous this week which has brought out some but a couple of weeks ago we got a call in the middle of a huge thunderstorm that someone wanted to see our house in 30 minutes.  We got in the car and drove down the street.  They were a bit late as a huge tree was blown over and blocking the street.  That kind of storm.  Those people are supposedly still interested in our home but I say "show me the money".  Got an email that the couple that looked at it today want to come back and look again tomorrow.  Prayers appreciated. 

Is anyone else a bit obsessed with X Factor and The Voice?  Just like with Idol, I think I probably enjoy the auditions most of all.  It is so cool to watch people living their real live Cinderella and Cinderfella moments.  Of course, there are those who just want to get on camera for their 15 seconds and then there are the ones that you wonder if the disappointment is going to lead them to be serial killers or something.   Someone needs to care enough to tell them before they get up there that they can't sing.  Seriously.  I've also never seen 13 year old girls with so much stage presence, confidence and talent.  Wow!

Can't talk about X-Factor without mentioning Ms.Brittany.  The bubble gum pop princess seems to be growing up.  Either that are she is finally on the right medication.  She looks so much like her mother with blond hair.   I just find her interesting as her speaking voice is about an octave lower and she applauds like the Queen of England.  Watch her.  Anyway, she is doing good; still a bit of a diva but interesting.  Demi Lovado is cute and a nice fresh opinion.  She handles Simon well.

#1 is still being #1.  Currently, he is in jail in Phoenix awaiting sentencing on the 28th.  He has been offered a plea bargain for 3 years prison and 3 years probation.  Once again, this has probably saved his life for now.  He desperately needs a time out and I just pray that he grows and matures and wakes up during this time.  He will be 27 when he gets out and he really needs to start his life.  Can't do it for him but it doesn't stop me from hurting for him.  I was encouraged that he finally seems to have realized that his thinking is just not right and he's tired of his decisions (or the lack thereof).  He asked to see a counsellor and they have diagnosed him as bi-polar.  Doctors have been talking about that all of his life.  In my humble opinion, not sure if that is correct but he does have so many issues that who knows what is predominant.  What I do know is that I have not seen him since last Thanksgiving and that I miss him like crazy.  I just want him to do good and have a happy, honest life. 

#2 and I are doing pretty well together.  He thinks he is the "man of the house" these days.  I love to see it when he steps up but then there are times that I have to bring him back to the reality that I'm the parent and he is the child.  Can't seem to convince him that diabetes is here to stay and that he has to keep logs, etc. so that he can be treated.  He's good at taking his insulin, but doesn't check his blood to see if he needs to make a correction.  I've had to call the hospital twice during the past 3 weeks.  Scary stuff!

Hub will be home next Thursday.  He actually will be here for this weekend and the next with a business meeting in Kansas in between.  #2 will turn 15 in two weeks so he wanted to be here around then. We will have been apart for almost a month.  That is the longest in all of our 29-1/2 years of marriage.  A month is WAY too long.  I'm looking forward to him being home.

I have turned into pretty much a recluse.  I've really been fighting depression with all of this.  It is so easy to fall into with all of this frustration.  I was telling my rent-a-friend (my counsellor) about it the other day.  I think the fact that we had so many gray, rainy days in a row didn't help matters as all.  The days are gorgeous now.  If I can get this house sold, I'm sure that the fog will lift.

I went back this week for my 6-month boob followup.  After scaring me with talk of other spots showing up on the mammogram they decided that everything is still the same and I'm good for another 6 months.  They want to follow up for two years.   Not sure if that is happening.  I think I will be busy.  Actually, Scarlet will just have to think about this tomorrow.

Need to go now and live some more life.

Later.

"Bless His Heart"

“I don’t need another mother!”   I’ve heard that statement a lot during 29 years of marriage.   Generally, it follows my giving my husband instructions, a reminder, a suggestion, etc.   Well, “bless his heart”.   (Please read that with lots of sarcasm.)

I have really fallen down on my job of trying to mother.  If I had been on my mother toes, I would not have made FIVE trips to the airport in less than 24 hours. 

Actually, this all started last Thursday when Hub’s flight home was to arrive at 10:15 AM.    I was watching his flight status to know when to leave for the airport.   I knew it wasn’t good when he called half an hour after the flight was to have left.  He was home vacuuming thinking that his flight was actually a little later.  He got to the airport finding that he was many gates down.  After a hard run, he was greeted with a less than empathetic airline employee.  I’m sure he greeted him with love, too, but that would be another story.   Anyway, it was close to 4 PM when he finally arrived.

We had a nice extended weekend and he was booked on a flight leaving at 3:50 PM.   He had several errands yesterday morning before he left.   One of those errands was to take the house papers required by the relocation company.   I had received them, signed them, had them notarized and overnighted to him in NC about 10 days ago.   He was to sign, have his signatures notarized and overnight to the proper people.  (Note that overnight envelope and paperwork were provided.)  As it turns out, they were in his suitcase and still unsigned.  He signed, ran by the bank for notary service and then brought them back to me.  Again, “bless his heart”.

We left for the airport (Trip #1) and got him there in plenty of time.   He checked the papers in the car and noticed that the notary failed to sign in two places.  I went back to the bank to get that taken care of.  When I got there, I noticed that Hub’s keys were in the ignition.   He certainly didn’t need the keys to my car, but did need the keys to his offices, desk, files, etc.    Tried to call him but figured he had boarded when I didn’t get an answer.  While the notary was taking care of business, I noticed that he had missed signing one of the documents and didn’t attach the required copy of his driver’s license.  Without it, I could not send the rest of the papers in anyway.  Kept trying to call and decided to head over to the post office and check on overnighting the papers and keys to him.  While in line, he called after noticing his keys were gone.   His flight was late but we decided that it was probably too close for me to make it back there.   Filled out the paperwork for express mail and then found out that “overnight” would actually be four days due to the holiday.   Grabbed the envelope and ran to the car and headed to the airport like a speed demon.  (Trip #2)   I phoned Hub on the way and he met me outside; grabbed the envelope and ran back inside.   Whew…..or so I thought.   Got halfway home and got another call from Hub.  His flight was cancelled due to mechanical difficulties.  The next flight would be the next day.  So……here I go again.  (Trip #3)  I picked up a happy husband.   Happy, happy, happy.  We stopped by the bank and he signed and she notarized.   As soon as we got home, he copied his license; we checked the stack of paperwork one more time; put it in the overnight envelope and sealed it up…..finally.

Today, we got up for the now VERY familiar half-hour trip to the airport.   We were up and busy before we left as we had a house showing scheduled for 10:15.   We got a call a few minutes before we left that the appointment had to be cancelled.  Oh, well, we are ready for the next showing.    The three of us head to the airport to say our goodbyes.    #2 son and I got halfway home when my phone rang.   Hub is having a meltdown because he can’t find his driver’s license.  He was so upset the day before that he figured that he left it somewhere.   He wanted me to make calls and see what it would take to get another while he went to lost and found.  I told him to go through his briefcase and suitcase.   I really figured it was in there.  I pulled off at the nearest exit…….just in case.    After I called the DMV to check on getting a new license, it hit me.    He had made a copy of his license at home.   His license was probably still on the copier.    I called and #2 son and I headed back to the airport.   (Trip #4)   We picked up Hub and headed home.  #2 son was laughing.   Hub and I…..not so much.   Every time that Hub had a schedule change, he had to make several calls to take care of being picked up in NC.   Today is his daughter’s birthday so although she was going to pick him up yesterday, she could not today.  Also, he had bought a used Miata right before he left town but had not taken delivery.  He was trying to get there to pick it up.  The car dealer has been pretty flexible with him including offering to pick him up this morning, but he has reached his limit.   As it stands, a friend of Kim’s is going to pick him up at the airport and take him to the car lot where another salesman has agreed to meet him after hours.   It takes a village…….

I took Hub back to the airport two hours early.  (Trip #5)   The airline would not re-book his flight when he was at the airport as he didn’t have his I.D.    When he tried to call, there were only 3 seats left and they were going to charge him a big surcharge; so we were rushing with high hopes.   This time, I parked and went in.  I didn’t want to leave until he was ticketed and heading toward security.   If he didn’t make this flight, he might as well start walking.

Just thought I would let you know a little about my day.  Hub did call me when he landed in NC.   As far as him making the other connections…….he’s on his own.    I’m not his mother…….bless his heart.

Beginnings and Endings

I have just started another new chapter in my life.  Or maybe I just ended one.  I don't know.  Time will tell as "they" say.

Hub just left to drive to North Carolina.  That is where our company says his job is now.  Wish they would tell me where our family is because it's lost.  Maybe it's just me.  I feel really lost.  The timing of this whole thing sucks so big.  We weren't ready to take a step like this.  Again, maybe it's just me.  Our counselling was helping.  We definitely weren't where we need to be, but we were navigating and negotiating.   There were some highs; a lot of lows, and much more mediocre.  We always had our faith to get us through the lows and mediocre.   I'm not sure where that even is in this moment.

So here I am in a house with a for sale sign.  It is no longer a home. It's just a pretty shell.  Where is home?  Home is where the heart is?  Not any more.  Home is where I grew up?  Nope.  Another family  lives there now.  Most of the neighbors have passed away.   It's just not there.  No going back.   Home is family?  Most of mine and his are either disappointed that I'm still married or I have told them that things are okay and I am doing what I need/want to do.   There's that elephant in the room again.  Home is my sons?  One is in jail again and feeling as alone as I am and the other is 14 and has no business being burdened with more of his parents' bullshit.   How could I let this happen to him?  He has already been through so much.  He still deserves the security of a childhood.   Why do I feel solely responsible for seeing that he gets that chance?

So what am I going to do.  Not really a question; just a statement.  I'm going to put on my big girl panties and go through the motions.  I going to keep tweaking this house until it sells.  Tomorrow, the realtor is hosting a luncheon here to get local realtors in to take a look.   The house needs to sell quickly so that we can get out from under the moving expenses that the company is having us to pay up front or absorb.  (Relocation packages aren't what they used to be.)   I'm going to put on my "I'm fine" mask with a smile so that no one will see the hurt.   Actually, I'm pretty good at wearing that mask most of the time.

Thanks for letting me throw up in my mouth a little here.  Did I mention how much this sucks?  Where is a crystal ball when you need one?  I'm fine.  Just fine.

Later.

Confusion

I don’t even know where to start.  So much going on.  So much confusion.

v  Diabetes:   #2 still has it.  He is already getting sloppy with taking his insulin.  I know that at 14 it is hard to stop and do something different than the other kids.  I realize that it can be inconvenient.  But he has to do this.  I don’t think that I can sit back and let him face the consequences on this one.  His doctor’s had told him that diabetes medication is an art form rather than a direct science.   He has taken that statement to a whole other level.  There are formulas to figure out how much your body needs.  You have to count up how much carbs you eat.  You have to take your big bedtime dose.  A man at our church told him how he has had Type 1 JD for over 30 years and has had to have surgery on his eyes three different times due to not following directions.  Really working on getting his attention on this one.

v  #1:  That’s REALLY hard to say.  He is still in AZ.  He is now living with/off some guy.  Still no job but he called today and has one for next week.  Our counselor suggested that we have a memorial service for him as the son that we once knew probably will never be back.  Can you imagine my face when he told us that?   The reasoning was is that we are in constant fear and mourning for him.   He thought it would bring some closure.   I look at the pictures of my beautiful boy.   It’s just so hard to comprehend…..

v  Boobs:   Still have boobs.  Probably should go ahead and have biopsy done instead of waiting until August appointment.

v  Marriage:  Sill married.  Still making progress.   Still fighting it out.  Still hanging in and on.  Still going to two counselors.  Hub’s counselor wanted me to come with him last time.  Have to say I’m really impressed with her.   Given time, I could see some real progress being made with her.  Our marriage counselor is good, too.  We are making progress.  I just wish this was later and that I felt more secure in our union.

v  Job:   My job ended with tax season.  The last day of packing up, reports and hosting a party almost did me in.   I’m looking for a full-time job.  I had an interview with the school district yesterday for a really good job in the administration office.  Just have to wait and see if we are going to be moving.  Hub’s company is in the middle of a HUGE shakeup.  New president; new vice presidents; new territory alignments, and oh yes, 350 layoffs in field and corporate.   Rumors are swirling.  One of them being that Hub’s position is being eliminated and restructured.   Nothing is going to be firm until May 15^th but his regional called every one of her district managers and suggested that they spend the next two weeks looking for jobs.  Soooooooo, here we go.  Hub has had three calls from the the territory HR guy.  (One being on Sunday right after church was over.  Weird!)  They have asked if he would consider another DM position and then wanted to know if we were relocatable.  (Hell to the yes if it means a job!)   Anyway, on the last call he gave him 5 cities and asked him to rank his interest.  We were getting pretty excited until we found out that he was just gathering info to turn in to corporate.   So it’s not bad news, but it’s not necessarily the good news that we thought it was.  Really scary weeks ahead.  Please add us to your prayer lists (again).   We really don’t want to leave.  I feel that I am just now making real friends.  We have found good doctors for all of our needs and especially with Connor’s new diagnosis.  We like it here.  But Hub is not at the best age to be out starting a new career.  Anyway, a job with the school district could really help.   Even if it doesn’t start until July. 

So much going on.   So much confusion.

Later.

How am I doing? How AM I doing....

Hellooo?  Is anyone still there?  If this blog was a pet, someone would have reported me by now to the SPCA for neglect.  I've been a bit of a hot mess the last few weeks.  Probably would have been good for me to put my feelings here, but that would have been far too painful some days.  My mind seems really full of junk lately.

This is definitely one of those times that I really need some good bullet points here to sort this out.

• When I last posted, my marriage was pretty much in shambles.  Now.....not sure where we totally are.  I feel like a piece of broken china that someone has "tried" to glue back together. There are pieces missing and no one know's how to put it back.   We are definitely getting help.  I have a counselor; he has a counselor, and we have a counselor.  A step in the right direction but definitely baby steps.
• The "girlfriend".....is out of the picture....I think.  Maybe it helped that she received a Facebook message from me making her aware that she was not the first and just part of a pattern for him.  Whatever; he was pulling away from her and then she finished the job.  Not that she is the total problem.  She is just a symptom.  She is off of his phone and computer contacts and unfriended on Facebook.  It's a start.  I wish her well......not really.
• We are still in the same house.  We even go out on dates every once in awhile.  Still strained.  Still not not a healthy marriage.  But we are still in the same house.  It is what it is.  I am still hopeful that we can make it well again.  Hopefully, stronger.
• #1 is still causing his havoc.  He acquired a really bad infection in his foot which was later diagnosed as mersa.  I found out about it when I got a phone call at work one day that he was to have his foot amputated.  Luckily, after about nine days in the hospital and two surgical procedures, he still has two feet.  He has had to go back to the ER twice since being released due to not taking care of it.  He called wanting us to come out and we told him that he was a grown man and he had a choice to make whether to take care of himself or lose part of his foot.  He called at 4:30 a.m. last Saturday begging me to let him come home.  So hard to tell him that I couldn't help him but I did.  The police were at our door later in the morning.  We have expected them for a long time.  When I told him what city he was in, they actually seemed a little relieved.  Guess they were anxious to write him off.  He has burned some of the bridges with his birth mother.   He is still homeless.  All I can do is pray hard for him.  I don't know how he has made it this long.
• #2 is getting better grades.  Naturally, he has been playing a bit of the manipulation game between his parents.  We have been trying to stay consistant.  Last weekend, he broke a bone on the side of his foot and is not wearing a walking boot.  (Never a dull moment.)  Baseball is starting.
• While trying to figure all of this out, I decided that I should work on getting a 50,000 mile checkup on myself.   I first went for a physical and to also have my medications checked out.  The counselor thought that my antidepressent might be too strong by the way I was (or wasn't) acting.  My doctor thought that since I hadn't killed anyone (as of yet), the medication was doing what it should.  Next I went to the gyno.  (Joy!)  He in turn referred me to a dermatologist because of a small rough patch on my boob that I was concerned about and he thought should be biopsied.  We scheduled an appointment for the next Monday.  I realized that if I were to have a mammogram, that it would be much less painful now instead of waiting until after a chunk was taken out.  Lucked into an appointment for Friday.   The dermatologist was not concerned about the rough patch but was concerned about something that looked like a little pimple on the other boob.  I almost didn't even show him but it had been there for several months.  He took that as for a biopsy.  The next day, I got a call from the gyno that the mammagram had shown an irregularity and that I needed to come back.  Two days later, I'm back getting another mammagram and then a sonogram.  So strange to see that black spot on the screen.  The doctor thinks this may be a cyst but it is close to the chest wall and hard to see.  My choices are to wait for 6 months and look again or do a needle biopsy.  The coordinator for the breast center goes to my church.  She assured me that this doctor would have encouraged me to go forward now if he suspected a tumor.  For now, I am waiting. I may change my mind.   After all, isn't that my perogative as a woman?
• I was crying the other night after I heard about the first mammogram.   I just felt like I was drowning in issues.  Hub did come in to comfort me.  He said "I won't leave you if you're sick."  REALLY???   Probably just a typical, stupid guy statement.  I told him that his committment was underwelming.
• Work is really busy now, but in about 6 weeks, it will all be over.  I have a couple of leads on jobs.   Wish I could just get in my bed and pull the covers up.  Guess it is good that I have busy stuff to get up for.
• In the middle of all of this, we had a friend die.   He was an older man from our church.  An AMAZING, God-loving, people changing person.  Hub had a life-changing conversation with him a couple of weeks ago.  It was a gift.  The man wrote a note to his bride of 50+ years and died in his sleep that night.  We should all be so blessed as to go like that.

Well, that is my synoposis.  What have I learned?  Life is full of twists and turns that you can't dream up.  I'm just hanging on for dear life.  Yep, for dear life.

Later.

Warning. This is tough.

I hope writing this helps.  Not sure if I will hit the publish button or not.  This is just so very hard.

My family is broken and hurting.  #1 is still in the city that his birth mother lives in.  He is not living with her as he got her and her boyfriend kicked out of the apartments they were living in.  He is using heavy drugs.  He is homeless except for the nights that he "hooks up" with this girl.  I still have the very real fear of getting "that" call.

#2's grade are way down right now.  He is short tempered and sometimes depressed.  He's to the stage where most waking moments need to be spent with a friend, either in person or talking through X-Box.  There are 1-4 boys here every weekend and they "hang out" and laugh like there is no tomorrow.  Then there was yesterday when he came to me in tears asking "Mom, what's going on with you and Dad?"

What's "going on" is that my marriage is breaking apart all around me and there is not a darn thing I can do about it.  Hub has a girlfriend.  Not the first time this has happened.  We rebuilt after the others.  (Never, say never.)  This time though, he has totally lost it and is willing to throw 28 years away because "he deserves to be happy".  We have gone to a marriage counselor twice since the first of the year.  The last time he said that he would not work with us as a couple until Hub decides if he wanted to be married or not.  He totally pissed Hub off at the first visit when he said that most of the problem was with him (Ya think?) and first of all, he had to have no contact with this woman.   He also wanted to know why I wasn't madder and ready to punch his lights out.   He really doesn't get that I have lived in a war zone for the last few years.   I have had to push feeling down so far just to make it through the day or hour.  The stress of the last year with #1 and "the girl" living here and sucking us dry was just the cherry on top.   I didn't realize that my reaction wasn't normal until he brought it up.

You see, the whole problem is me.  Just ask Hub. He will be happy to tell you.   I don't weigh 118 lbs anymore.  I don't look like a 20-something.  I don't clean the house well enough.  I don't push him down on the bed and rape him forty different ways every night.  Actually, there isn't much that I do right.  My head has been taken off very regularly over silly things that are really not the cause, i.e. not making a meat loaf one night.  He is a very angry man these days.  The sad part is....I love him.   I have been with him for more than half of my life.  I always thought that his would be the last hand I would hold.  I don't have a Plan B.  I really thought that this would pass, just like the other times.  It doesn't look like it.   Hearing him tell #2 last night that there was someone else and that we would probably divorce was just way too much.  I hated that he put this burden on #2.  Hub has always wanted to share the experience with our kids, even when it would be a heavy burden for them.  It makes him feel justified..  He's such a giver that way.  He is also a scorekeeper.  He says that he is always doing for me and it is not reciprocated.  I do for him many times daily.  I just don't write it in the sky and hound others with it.   So, so many of the mini-decisions are based on him and his schedule and preference.  Like sitting down with him to watch a ball game.  Not my cup of tea, but he likes the recreational companionship, as he calls it.  I always leave him the better towels in the towel closet. The best looking entree whether its an egg in the morning, a pork chop.,  I make sure he has toothpaste on hand.  When I am making spaghetti sauce, he always like a small bowl of the meat with just some mustard on in.  Silly little habit but he loves it.   All very, very small  things but they are things that I do for him because I love him and want him to be happy.  It's what you do.

Anyway, that's it in a nutshell.  It's really sad around here.  #2 says that among other thing that he felt really insecure.  Me, too.  I look at him and don't know who he is anymore.   He is so short and volatile.  He really doesn't seem to mind throwing it all away.  From a note I read from her, I think she is pretty childish and she doesn't even sound like she cares for him.  If we were not married, I don't think that this girl would even hand on to him.  She is destroying the lives of me, my sons and even him.  She has already been married twice (that I know of) and has kids with both men.  Hub's background isn't much different, so the odds are definitely against that they would not stay together.

I am just at the ultimate stress level.  I'm working again and it is really busy.  That does keep me distracted at least for a few hours.  I need to close now and go get in my empty bed.  Can't believe that this is happening at this stage of my life.  I haven't talked to anyone except about 3-4 people but no one is telling me anything other than to divorce him.  One of them was even a preacher and you should have heard his sister.

Anyway, enough of this post.  Life sucks.

Later.

2012 Non-Resolutions

No resolutions this year.  Just prayers and hopes.

I pray for my children.  For #1 to find an inner peace.   For him to find his moral compass and follow it.  For him to listen to the people that love him and have truly been there for him.  For him to quit gravitating to the "quick fix/thrill".  For him to find himself; his true self and embrace it.   I pray for his safety.  I pray for him to beat his addictions and his demons.  I pray for him to find his way "home"; where ever that may be. 

I pray for #2 to get past the hurt of a lost sibling.  For him to somehow know and understand that the struggles of being a teenager are temporary.  For him to keep the goodness that is inside of him.  I pray for continued good decisions and for protection against all of the arrows that the world will throw at him.  .

I pray for my marriage.  I pray for it to stand firm through all of the struggles that we have been dealing with.  I pray for us to get back to the closeness, fun and infatuation that we once had. 

I pray for all of us to keep God as they head of our home and lives.  I pray for us to follow his teachings and show his love to those we have contact with.  I pray for all of us to love and be loved.

I hope for quiet.  Just simple, smooth, no drama quiet.  I hope for peace.   I hope for.....Hope.

Happy New Year.

Later.