I hope writing this helps. Not sure if I will hit the publish button or not. This is just so very hard.
My family is broken and hurting. #1 is still in the city that his birth mother lives in. He is not living with her as he got her and her boyfriend kicked out of the apartments they were living in. He is using heavy drugs. He is homeless except for the nights that he "hooks up" with this girl. I still have the very real fear of getting "that" call.
#2's grade are way down right now. He is short tempered and sometimes depressed. He's to the stage where most waking moments need to be spent with a friend, either in person or talking through X-Box. There are 1-4 boys here every weekend and they "hang out" and laugh like there is no tomorrow. Then there was yesterday when he came to me in tears asking "Mom, what's going on with you and Dad?"
What's "going on" is that my marriage is breaking apart all around me and there is not a darn thing I can do about it. Hub has a girlfriend. Not the first time this has happened. We rebuilt after the others. (Never, say never.) This time though, he has totally lost it and is willing to throw 28 years away because "he deserves to be happy". We have gone to a marriage counselor twice since the first of the year. The last time he said that he would not work with us as a couple until Hub decides if he wanted to be married or not. He totally pissed Hub off at the first visit when he said that most of the problem was with him (Ya think?) and first of all, he had to have no contact with this woman. He also wanted to know why I wasn't madder and ready to punch his lights out. He really doesn't get that I have lived in a war zone for the last few years. I have had to push feeling down so far just to make it through the day or hour. The stress of the last year with #1 and "the girl" living here and sucking us dry was just the cherry on top. I didn't realize that my reaction wasn't normal until he brought it up.
You see, the whole problem is me. Just ask Hub. He will be happy to tell you. I don't weigh 118 lbs anymore. I don't look like a 20-something. I don't clean the house well enough. I don't push him down on the bed and rape him forty different ways every night. Actually, there isn't much that I do right. My head has been taken off very regularly over silly things that are really not the cause, i.e. not making a meat loaf one night. He is a very angry man these days. The sad part is....I love him. I have been with him for more than half of my life. I always thought that his would be the last hand I would hold. I don't have a Plan B. I really thought that this would pass, just like the other times. It doesn't look like it. Hearing him tell #2 last night that there was someone else and that we would probably divorce was just way too much. I hated that he put this burden on #2. Hub has always wanted to share the experience with our kids, even when it would be a heavy burden for them. It makes him feel justified.. He's such a giver that way. He is also a scorekeeper. He says that he is always doing for me and it is not reciprocated. I do for him many times daily. I just don't write it in the sky and hound others with it. So, so many of the mini-decisions are based on him and his schedule and preference. Like sitting down with him to watch a ball game. Not my cup of tea, but he likes the recreational companionship, as he calls it. I always leave him the better towels in the towel closet. The best looking entree whether its an egg in the morning, a pork chop., I make sure he has toothpaste on hand. When I am making spaghetti sauce, he always like a small bowl of the meat with just some mustard on in. Silly little habit but he loves it. All very, very small things but they are things that I do for him because I love him and want him to be happy. It's what you do.
Anyway, that's it in a nutshell. It's really sad around here. #2 says that among other thing that he felt really insecure. Me, too. I look at him and don't know who he is anymore. He is so short and volatile. He really doesn't seem to mind throwing it all away. From a note I read from her, I think she is pretty childish and she doesn't even sound like she cares for him. If we were not married, I don't think that this girl would even hand on to him. She is destroying the lives of me, my sons and even him. She has already been married twice (that I know of) and has kids with both men. Hub's background isn't much different, so the odds are definitely against that they would not stay together.
I am just at the ultimate stress level. I'm working again and it is really busy. That does keep me distracted at least for a few hours. I need to close now and go get in my empty bed. Can't believe that this is happening at this stage of my life. I haven't talked to anyone except about 3-4 people but no one is telling me anything other than to divorce him. One of them was even a preacher and you should have heard his sister.
Anyway, enough of this post. Life sucks.
Later.
5 comments:
Don't stop going to the counselor. You are going to need it no matter if the marriage survives or not. He needs to read this post, maybe not all of it but parts of it. You guys may even need to separate if you haven't already. Stop doing all the things that you do for him, those little things. Basically show him what his life is going to be like without you. Make him decide. Sometimes guys go through a time when they hit their 50's and they think that they have missed out. They start flirting and then it goes too far. Those women who make a sport of enticing men are always going to be out there and men don't realize how disposable they are to them, Suckers. Make it up to him how this ends. And then HE can claim all the glory for the destruction. At this point you and the kids are the damaged collateral of the war. I went through something like this a couple of years ago, but I nipped it in the bud much earlier than you are, I let him know that flirting was hurtful to me, even if it was just innocent flirting. We've had a tough couple of years since, but we're making it, because he had to decide. You have a high stressed life, #1 will do what he needs to do and only God can make him come around now, not you, not the hubby. Give it to God. Tell #2 what is going on, but both of you need to tell #2 what is going on. And tell him no matter if his parents are in separate houses, you still love him and none of this was his fault. There are lots of books that cover this but a couple that helped me were The Power of a Praying Woman and What Men Want (this one is the BEST, so many AH-Ha things.) I pray that everything works out for you for the best. Give to God girl. Three little words over and over all day long --- What now Lord? He'll let you know and when he does you'll feel it.
I'm glad you finally wrote about this. You know why? Because it means you're ready to deal with it, even if it's just in the tiniest of increments.
I firmly believe that when people show you what they are like, you have to believe them. His actions are that of an immature fool. I mean really, who tells a kid (or even wants to) about their grown up marriage problems? Someone who needs constant validation and ego stroking, that's who. Obviously he has a sense of entitlement, and why shouldn't he? You've been giving him the very best of you and everything around you for his whole life with you!
He doesn't deserve you and he knows it somewhere in his psyche. That's why he tries to make you feel bad about not being a Barbie doll, to deflect the onus off of himself and to dump it on to you. He's a jerk.
Don't be mad at the girlfriend. She is not the one you hold vows with. It's all him. Make sure that's where your anger goes, because that's where it deserves to be.
I say take #2 and get the hell out of there, flick a lit match on the way out and start over. But I'm a vidictive hot head, so maybe that won't work for you.
I do know that you deserve the happiness in life that he's seeking as well and damnit girl, if he's acting like it's over, then take that as your cue to go get yourself some happy.
I should have just called you with all of this instead of commenting. I still may later today, if you're up to it. Text me when you need a chat...I'm here for you. And uh, hey, I know a girl who may know a guy who may be willing to, you know, clean up the situation...I'm so ganster.
I love you. And I'm here if you need someone to punch someone in the face. Just give me a chance to grab my step stool.
I like you Rox! We think alike. You don't need a step stool, if you hit them in the sweet-spot the first time. They'll drop down to a comfortable level for you then.
I second your thoughts, he's trying to justify his actions and put the blame on your for ruining the marriage. He's pointing fingers and should be looking at his hand for how many fingers are pointing back at him.
Get your boy, swing by the bank and start over.
My heart aches for you and your boys! Regardless of what he is doing or what a jerk he is being, what you are going through must be devastating. You are a wonderful, beautiful, caring and strong woman!! God has a plan, however difficult it may be to see and/or live through. I agree with Jo...definitely keep on seeing the counselor and maybe #2 should see a counselor, too. Couldn't hurt anyway. I will be praying for y'all. I'm so sorry y'all are having to go through this!!
The minute you own your true value and quit giving it to him, Hub might pause and pay attention for a change. (If he's the fool he appears to be, his vision may be blurred by his swelled head.) It's time for you to take control of what happens in your life. Make yourself happy—you're the only one who can anyway—and invite Hub to join you on your terms.
Your past history of "riding it out" is a mechanism that is very effective, if exhausting. Don't make drastic decisions in the heat of the moment. (See what good it's doing Hub?) Keep going to counseling, get some for #2, send Hub the bills. You will have to make some decisions that lead to change. They might not always be the right ones, but that's okay, it's how we learn. That didn't work? Let's try this. Do not fear failure, fear stagnation.
Keep #2 in the loop as you move forward because you're in this together, but you know NOT to tell him anything about how you feel toward Hub. Not his problem.
You are strong, you are loving, and you are worth every bit of energy it takes to attain happiness. Hang in there, sweetheart. You all are in my prayers.
Post a Comment