WHAT NEXT?

First of all, I have no idea what the penguin pic has to do with anything other than they amuse me. That's all.


Hope you had a really special Christmas. We had a nice family time here. I must have been very good this past year (or more likely Santa just didn't find out) as I am typing on my new laptop. I have been holding on to my PC with white knuckles. Couldn't imagine that anything could be faster or more efficient. So now, here I am with my much-more-powerful-than-I-will-ever-need laptop sitting at the kitchen table right next to my PC. Old habits are just hard to break.


TWO-THOUSAND-ELEVEN. I have a bit of a pit in my stomach just thinking about it. We have put so much stock on starting a new year with hope and much gratitude. Our son is home and we are moved and settled. It's all good. Why am I uneasy? Probably because the last two weeks have reminded me not to be so confident that I know, or have any control over, what is going to happen next.

• Got a call mid-afternoon of Thursday a week before Christmas. That dreaded call....again. #1 son was in jail. He was pulling out of a parking lot and made a right turn without coming to a complete stop. He was pulled over by a policeman and happened to have on a belt that had brass knuckles on it. (I've never seen the belt but supposedly they were part of the buckle.) He was arrested for a prohibited weapon. He had to stay in jail until he could go before a judge on Friday morning. He was charged with a misdemeanor and bond was set at $2500. We called a bondsman who charged us $390. When they called, they were told that he had an "investigative hold" on him. Meaning = they were making sure that they could not find something else to charge him with. Of course, I do understand that they have a boy/man who has just been out of prison for 6 months; has all kind of tattoos; no steady job, etc. He doesn't exactly look like "John Q Public" and I sure that his mouth was running the whole time. The "hold" was not taken off until Saturday mid-morning. Two nights in jail over a belt buckle. Granted, stupid on his part, but SERIOUSLY???


• The plans had already been made for Hub to drive out that Saturday and pick up #1 and his girlfriend to bring them here for Christmas. After a restless night, we both got up at 4 a.m. and Hub got on the road at 5 that morning. We went straight to the jail and waited for him to be released. He also paid $200 to get the car that #1 was driving out of the auto pound. (It belonged to a friend.) $600 the week before Christmas and he still has to go to court.


• Hub showed up Saturday evening with #1, the girlfriend AND......wait for it......their ever growing puppy. That was when the other shoe fell. THEY are moving in with us. No one asked my opinion. Hub and the girlfriend made this decision on the way up. She says that the influences are just too strong and she is afraid that he will get in trouble. She really seems to love him. Not sure why she puts up with him sometimes.


• Today, Hub took them back and will rent a truck to bring back the little bit of furniture that they have and the rest of their things. Of course, this includes the bed that we had just bought them after Thanksgiving. Now, it will have to be stored.

Everything has happened so fast, I'm not sure totally where I stand on all of this. I'm very apprehensive, yet I realize that our son truly needs more help to get started. He simply does not possess the life skills to operate as an independent, responsible adult. He was born with a deficit and has lost about 4 years of life lessons to grow into it. As much as I want it to be different and sometimes demand it to be different, that fact has not changed. This isn't a case of totally enabling him as much as it is dealing with a tough situation honestly.

So that is where we are. Our household grew overnight from 3 to 5 plus 3 dogs and 1 cat. Can you say Zoo? The puppy is really sweet but driving everyone a bit nuts. Especially the 4-legged family members. She has already grown from being the smallest into the #2 position. She will end up being the largest.

The girlfriend is a sweetheart and we are trying to negotiate the "two women in one house" logistics. She has been trying to help and is good about keeping #1 in line. #2 son is crazy about her and she has given him some much needed special attention. Hub says that she's the cheapest babysitter we have had. (Shame he is talking about her babysitting #1.) They both are under strict orders that they both have to have jobs immediately after the 1st. Girlfriend already has some leads. #1 has decided that he wants to be a "mystery shopper". Oy vey!!!!

Later.

My Ms M

Have you ever seen or spoken with someone and known that this would be the last time you would ever see or speak with them? I have had this happen a few times in my life. Not that it was some mysterious psychic connection. Some of these people were literally on their death beds. Like my aunt that passed away last January. Our family had totally lost connection with her and then I discovered her granddaughter on Facebook. I got to visit with her on the day that she died. I was named after her, spoiled by her and loved her dearly, yet lost precious time. I was the last to hold her hand. It was just she and I and I got to tell her how special she was.

When my mother was in a nursing home, her close friend and neighbor, Mrs. H, was there as well. They were in different buildings, but would go visit each other as long as they could and later I would wheel Mother down to see her or just go myself. Mrs H was the friend Mother could depend on whether she needed someone to watch me for a little while or watch the house when we were out of town. We did the same for her family. One day I was coming in to visit Mother and was stopped by another family friend who told me that Mrs. H was not doing well. I went down to her room to check on her and felt like I had stepped into a movie set for a 40's movie. She was alone in her room and with the head of her bed raised. The drapes were open and sunlight was pouring on her face. The sunshine and white sheets made her glow. I know that sounds weird, but seriously the woman was beautiful and glowing. I thought she was asleep and then she opened her eyes, gave me a sweet smile and called me by name. (Remember Scarlett & Melanie's death scene in "Gone With the Wind"? Do you hear the soft music playing?) We spoke for a little while and I told her how much I enjoyed coming to her home as a child and how much I loved her. When I left her room, I felt like something special was going on in there. It was. Mrs H died later that day.

Well, I think I told someone goodbye tonight. I haven't felt like sending out Christmas cards for the past few years. Too much stinkin' thinkin' going on here I am sorry to say. I mailed out 60 Christmas notes this past Thursday. This afternoon, I got two calls from people that I have known for probably 30 years and were thrilled to get a note and to know where we are now. One of them had been my mentor, substitute mother, colleague, confider, advisor and best friend. We met when we both had offices on the same floor of an office building. I was young, single and thought I had it all. She was a retired social worker that wanted something else to do and decided to go to work for an oil company. Everyone loved M. Her office was located close to the elevator and to the coffee shop and her door was always open. I'm sure it was a challenge to do her job as there was always someone sticking their head in to say hello. She worked for an old sourpuss that was her own age and she just laughed him off. He never even knew that behind the drapes that covered a fake window in her office, she had hung a poster of Tom Selleck. That was M and that was one of the reasons I loved her. When I started dating my Hub, he had to get her approval even before he was introduced to my parents. When we were first working on adoption, M was the first to write a reference letter for us and use her connections as a social worker. Anyway, M got my card today and gave me a call. Although she sounds the same with her laughter and deep Southern accent, M is now 90 and says that she is using a walker. She says the first thing that she pulls out every Christmas is a pillow that I made for her 25+ years ago that says "Joy Y'all". She hopes that her children will love it later and keep it out. She brought up the subject that she is now 90 and knows that things will be changing soon. She said that she made a deal with God to take her when he's ready. She just hopes that he takes her in an accident so that her sons will receive double insurance money. That's my M. Well, she told me not to worry about her. I told her that not too long ago, I had realized that I was someone's Miss M. There was a first year teacher at school that was a long way from home and we became friends. She wanted me to meet her new boyfriend and then fiance. Then she wanted to cry on my shoulder when it didn't work out. She is about the age that I was when I met M and I am getting closer to the age that M was. I am someone's M. I told her that was a big responsibility, but I'm trying to live up to her example.

So, anyway, I think I told someone goodbye tonight. We said all the things that you do just in case you never have another chance to say them. I feel so good about her. If you have not sent out Christmas greetings yet, throw some in the mail. You never know what blessings are out there looking for you.

Later, and just in case, Merry Christmas!

Thankful

WOW! I just looked back at my posts at this time of year for the past two years. You know, that's what this blog thing is all about. Not just communicating and sharing, but to see and remember where you have come from. We are FINALLY looking forward to celebrating Christmas again. We will all be together as a family. What a gift!

So...when I last reported on "As My World Turned", we were expecting my #1 son and his new girlfriend to drive up to see us the weekend before Thanksgiving. That never happened as #1 wrecked the car on that Thursday evening. (For those keeping track, that was the second car in 3 months. He hadn't even made the first payment to us on it.) In all honesty, it is one of those accidents that do just kinda happen. He was waiting to make a left-hand turn from a center lane across 2 lanes of traffic. The car in the 1st lane stopped and motioned for him to turn in front of her and then another car went around in the second lane. Semi-understandable, but still his fault. The police were called, but didn't even ticket him. The insurance company has declared it a total loss due to the fact it was an older car so we are still working out those details. Can't wait to see what our insurance is going to cost next year!

Did get to meet the girlfriend when we went through to pick them up for Thanksgiving. We took them out to our favorite Mexican restaurant (yum!) on Wednesday night. She was cute; dressed up, good make-up, no tattoos, all good. I liked her very much. Cute personality. My son was his old, loving self and very happy. What more could a mom ask for? They both had to go work later that night at a club. My son as a bouncer and his girlfriend was asked to fill in and serve for extra money. Not a good place for him to be, but with no experience and a record, he is having such a hard time with jobs. We just have to keep praying. The next day, we were leaving early to drive to my sister's. We tried to call them to make sure they were ready, but no answer. We drove over and could not raise them for awhile. They finally came flying out looking still asleep. She was feeling sick but they both slept on the 2-1/2 hour drive. In fact, they slept most of the day....on the sofa, in the middle of everything. I was not happy about that. My sister has a smaller home and had a house full of overnight company. I hated to suggest that they just go lie down for awhile as I didn't want to mess up her beds. I suggested that we just take them on to the hotel, but Hub wanted our boy close at Thanksgiving. Anyway, I was embarrassed, but everyone was very nice about it. We drove back to our old home the next day. The girlfriend and I went to get a mani-pedi from my old friend. It was good bonding time. We did a little shopping for Christmas decorations and had another meal of good Mexican food. (Can't find a good place here.) We took them back to their house late that evening. That was when we discovered that no one had their keys and their room mates were gone and not to be found. We finally went on to check into our hotel and to call from their. I had requested a suite when I made the reservations. Turns out it was a suite with twin bed sofa in the living room and 2 queen beds in the bedrooms. Yes folks....they ended up staying with us that night. How cozy...my husband and I in one bed, #1 and the girlfriend in the next, and #2 in the living room. Weird, weird, weird. I think that I was the only one a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing. Guess we could of sprung for another room. Yuck! We headed out the next day at noon.

#2 had been on Facebook Friday night and when a former classmate found out that he was in town, SHE asked him to have brunch the next day. This little girl had been his crush when we lived here, so he was stoked. He came in and said "What time is brunch?" :) Anyway, he was excited and woke up at 6:30 to take a shower. The girl and her mom picked him up at the hotel at 8:30 and we told him that we would pick him up at her house at noon.

All that being said, it was a good Thanksgiving. That is if you don't count the fact that Hub and I both got sick on the way home. So much fun to pull over on the Interstate to .....well, you know. We blamed it on the girlfriend. #1 got sick, too.

In my last posting, I mentioned a new chapter. What I was referring to was that I just wonder if this girlfriend is the girl that we have been praying for since our son was born. It's strange to put my mind in that place, but they do seem to make a good team. We like her a lot. Don't want to share a hotel room again, but I like her a lot. More than that, I like "them". She seems to really understand #1 and tries to keep him in a good place. She definitely has a strong personality. She has him on a "short leash". Her words, not mine. Maybe that's good for him right now. He has very little experience in the "independent adult world". She has had her issues, too. Hub says that she's just enough of a bad girl for him. Sounds like she is the under-achiever in a family full of over-achievers. Dad's a ob/gyn; mom is a flight attendant with a PhD (?), one sister is a young, upcoming star in the world of attorneys, another a successful photographer. I even verified all that info through google. (Shame on me.) I also found out that her brother in college was on probation from a possession charge. Finally, someone we can relate to. :) Well, if this his soul mate, I'm happy for him. It's interesting to see them negotiate their lives.

I do have sad news though. I accepted a job this past week. It is with Hub's company, but under a different District Manager. Not for him. I have to go to some classes on the 22nd and 23rd of December (Who thought that up?) and then the job officially starts on January 3rd. It is just a seasonal thing and will probably end with April. Although, I don't like thinking about going back to work, I know that it will be good for me. I want a new computer for Christmas, so now I don't feel so guilty about such a large gift.

One last thing that I want to share. It's a bit of a Christmas miracle about our friend's son that tried to commit suicide a month ago. Things are changing every single day. A few days ago, he was frustrated trying to make his parents understand something. He had taken two years of sign language and he was trying to sign "I love you". They thought he was saying "Rock on". Sunday, he played tic-tac-toe with his mother & won. Made the line through and everything. Yesterday, he spoke for the first time when his sister walked into the room. He said "Hello _____". Very BIG stride. Today, they sat him on the edge of the bed and had his feet on the floor for a bit with weight on them. This is the same boy that they were told to tell goodbye a month ago. If the organ harvesting team had been on duty that night, they would have never kept his body going long enough to see this glimmer. I had felt so angry at the doctor for putting this sweet family through all of that pain thinking that they would never have their son. Forgot for awhile that the doctor was not in charge, but that God was. Anyway, they all have a long, long way to go. As a parent though, I am so happy for them.

Later.

A New Chapter

I feel like I'm entering a new chapter this weekend. We called #1 son the other night just to check in. He let us know that he and his girlfriend will be driving over on Saturday. First of all, even for him, this doesn't make a lot of sense. It is a 6 hour drive and we will be heading his way on Wednesday. What's up? My mother/woman's intuition tells me that it's the girl.


I wrote a lot more here, but I've erased it. I will let you know after I meet her.


It has been 10 days now and our friend is still hanging on. His parents now have signed up for a website that allows you to give updates for seriously ill patients. We get 2-3 updates per day. They are so optimistic. Each one makes me wonder how truly realistic they are. I'm not there. I'm not privy to the doctor's reports. The whole thing is just too sad.


Remember when Hub and I went to Mexico to celebrate our 25 wedding anniversary? A news story caught my eye Monday and there has been a big explosion at the resort we stayed at. 7 people were killed and others injured. This is so sad to me. Not just for the people who lost their lives, but that place was special to us. We had an amazing time. I can't bear to think that any of it is destroyed. hhtp://sunshineandfingerprints.blogspot.com/2008/05/paradise.html

Well, I need to go do something constructive. But first, I think I will have another cup of coffee and think about it.

Later.

Update

Things are still the same for our friend. His family is spending their days outside the room, praying for survival. The prognosis is still not good. One person can go in at a time but they can not touch him. He is still in a coma and on life support. The brain pressure has gone down just a little. There has been talk of trying to stimulate him a little and see what happens. Also, they talked of seeing if his lungs would kick in. Right now, that is just talk; they've done nothing. My brother got to go in the other night. Of course, he said that he was unrecognizable.

I keep putting myself in his mom's place. (I guess that's a weird quirk of mine, but that's how I deal with things. Unless it is actually happening to me; then, avoidance is the quirk.) They have already been told that what made him "him" is already gone. The only positive thing I've heard is that he may have a little sight. Earlier, they felt that the optic nerves were so damaged that there would be none. Would he be aware if he can see? Would there ever be any communication? Would he ever be more than a body? Only God knows. I would think that there would be some wrestling with these facts going on in the family.

As parents, there is so much moral, social, heart-led pressure that we would want our child with us "no matter what". We would be considered terrible, unworthy, selfish parents/people if we didn't. Right? But what about the child? IF he had a moment of realization would know that he is trapped in a hellous existence forever. What about the mother and father that will sacrifice their lives to keep a body clean and safe? What about a daughter that has to watch her parents continue to suffer and know that when they are gone that the mantra would pass to her? But we want him to be here no matter what or how. He's our son and brother. Right?

Having a child who has lived a hurtful, painful life seems to open up other mom's to some hard truths. I've had two different moms confess to me really hard mom secrets. One very close friend lost her son at 20. We met when our boys were both very small and often traded off babysitting. They bore the same name and both broke our hearts. One with alcohol and the other with drugs. Her son seemed to finally be on a more positive path, but one night by himself at his apartment, he drank until he passed out, vomited and choked to death. What a legacy. Anyway, one night his mom and I were talking about the boys and she said that I was the only one she could say this out loud to, but that it was a bit of a relief. It was always something with him; always waiting for the other shoe to fall. Wondering where he was or getting a call from the police or from jail. She knew that he too was miserable. Now at least he found peace. Another mother's son was taking a very, very similar path as ours. He was just about a year behind and going into a second rehab. She shared a conversation that they had. She told him that if this was the path that he felt he had to take, that she would rather have him dead. My husband was floored and thought she was heartless. I understood.

So I have lots of questions and viewpoints, yet I do realize that there is only one answer. The one that God has decided. It will be the best even if we don't see it. It sill just makes me wonder.

Later.

Prayer Request

Where do I start? I want to ask for your prayers and thoughts for a dear family that is living a total nightmare right now. We got word this morning that the 24 year old brother of our niece-in-law killed himself last night. He was upset over a girlfriend breakup, put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. His mother was home, heard the shot and held him while the ambulance came. They spent the night at the ER trying to stabilize so that his organs could be harvested and taking care of the "business" of donation. Then, they said goodbye to their son. They left early this morning to run home and shower and return to escort him to the funeral home.

Later this morning, things took a different path. The law says that there has to be a second opinion before organs can be donated. The second neurosurgeon decided that there was some, yet faint, brain activity. He was taken into surgery for several hours and large portions of his damaged brain was removed. He is now on life support. They said he did raise his hand to try to remove a throat tube. No way of knowing at this time how much activity is there.

What do you pray for now except "Thy will be done". I have been known to pray boldly and specifically for cures and recovery and jobs, etc. But now what? For this type of hell to go on for years? What path do you pray for?

This boy/man was so full of love and life. Always a smile. Always something funny to say and he said it with a marvelous English accent. He was singer for a band that seemed to finally be getting a little of a following. I remember dancing with him at his sister's wedding. He was 19 and wanted me to teach him the two-step. Didn't go to well, but he was fun. :) I remember how sweet it was for his band to play a set at this fabulous reception. I remember him singing to his sister. It was a very happy day.

My mind has been on his mom all day. How will she deal with the sound of that shot echoing in her head forever. We had become good friends with his parents as the nephew's wedding truly united two families. Wonderful people and so very much fun to be around. She and I clicked right off and we see them every time we go to visit my brother & family. They lived a life of privilege with love for others at the center. About a year ago, we went to see the new home that they had built. He is soon to retire and they decided to stay in Texas instead of moving back to England. They built a dream home to entertain family and friends. Not much of a dream home right now.

Anyway, thanks for letting me get some thoughts out. My heart is so heavy. Please pray for all of them. They will all need lots of prayer and compassion right now; whatever the turn out.

I think I will go hug my son now....go hug yours.

Later.

Drama.

I have a confession to make. It's morning and I just had an egg.....followed by a snack size Hershey bar. I need an intervention with LHCA (Leftover Halloween Candy Anonymous). I feel so much better admitting that. Not really. I will probably have another one in a bit.

A lot of "busy" has been going on here. We got through the birthday party/family reunion/family zoo. It was fun and so good to see everyone (almost). My week consisted of (1)go to grocery store; (2) cook; (3) clean; (4) repeat. I don't know what I was thinking, but most people came in earlier than I had expected. Of course, that means more meals and entertaining. I stayed busy throwing frozen lasagnas in the oven, making homemade chili and cornbread, salads and sandwich trays, appetizers, and anything else easy to keep large groups fed. I was so glad that I had dinner catered the night of the party.

#1 son brought two 20-ish friends (a guy and a girl) with him to the party. Actually, they were here for 4 days. Everyone brought their laundry to wash here. Everyone was first on the spot when food was being served. Everyone left their towels and sometimes clothes in the bathroom. To be fair, his friends were good houseguests...to the best of their ability. They all stayed upstairs in the loft except for the constant trips back and forth to the back patio to smoke. :( I knew the girl from years past. She was a friend of a girl/slut that #1 was crazy about for years. She would came over to the house with her and was definitely the better of the two. Since then, she had married, had a baby, been deserted by husband and at one time was dancing to pay the bills. She wore Daisy Duke shorts with low cut tops showing her tattoos (and other things) the whole time she was here. I asked #1 if she had anything else to wear for the party, but he said that most of her clothes were stolen by a roommate recently. Everything she had was going to feed her baby. She really was a sad case. Very sweet but definitely not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Couldn't help but like her and also feel sorry for her. I decided to take her to Goodwill and buy her some clothes, but I'm sad to say that when I could finally get away, they were leaving.

These guys caused plenty of drama the night of the birthday party. One of our nephews came who is 32 with the maturity and mentality of maybe a 15 year old. He decided to just "crash" here instead of going to the hotel room that his mom had reserved for him. (Not sure why I didn't go to the hotel and use his room.) He did fit in well with our three 20-ish people; but he did add fuel to the flame....literally. During the party, I looked out the window to see a very large fire on my back patio. I ran out to see my chimnea crammed with wood sticking out of the top and burning.....on my COVERED back patio. The four stooges were just sitting there admiring their work not seeing anything wrong with this plan. They never got up. Hub came out and helped to move it just past the roof and then went back in. I think everyone thought that I was mad and upset enough that they should stay out of my way. They were probably right. It had been a stressful day. Anyway, big sparks are still flying out the top and going toward the roof and everywhere else. I was fit to be tied. I got the garden hose and started trying to put it out. It was a really hot fire and I couldn't understand why it was so hard to get out. There was a thick column of black smoke that just kept coming. I found out later that Einstein had added some diesel fuel to the chimnea to get it started. They were using treated 2X4's and not the kindling that we had for it. The scary thing is that Einstein is not only is 32 but he owns a large farm/horse ranch. (Brother-in-law left the kids really well off.) Out of everyone, he should known better. (If he only had a brain.)

Late that night after everyone had gone to bed, I was cleaning up the kitchen and started hearing yelling upstairs. I could hear a girl crying and my son yelling to everyone to get the ____ out of his (?) house. I was afraid that it was close to getting physical and woke up Hub who ran upstairs in his undies. (Never a dull moment.) I told the girl to come downstairs and talk to me. She's crying about how she and the guy were breaking up and she didn't know what to do. #1 came down and put in his two-cents. The other boy decided to get in his truck and leave. He was drunk and it had been raining and he slid into a ditch not too far from the house. He got his truck out just as a policeman came by. He just told the boy to be careful going home. I'm sure it was a funny picture as he was wearing my sons pajamas. (Sock monkey pajamas that I had bought him one Christmas.) He came back and was crying, too. He loved her. (Oh, Brother. Where's Hub you ask? Back in bed.) Finally at around 3 A.M., I called a Come-To-Jesus meeting on the front patio with the three 20-ishs. Our nephew never came down. (Maybe he does have a little bit of a brain.) I got on to all of them because they had been drinking all day long and were just acting stupid. I reminded the girl that this behavior could easily cost her custody of her son. #1 and the other boy are also crazy about the baby so I told them that they owed it to him also to set an example and to not make it an unsafe, unhealthy place for him. They had formed a bit of a "family unit" and they can't forget it. Finally, I sent them all to bed and told them not to talk about any of it until the next day.

At 7:15 the next morning, we were awaken by the two cousins from Indianapolis who stopped by to tell us goodbye. (Good thing I am crazy about them. I was really sleepy.) I opened the back door to let the dogs out and found our nephew outside asleep in two chairs pulled together. He came in for coffee and was talking at Hub around the breakfast table. (I say "at" because that's how he rolls. He never shuts up and knows everything.) I curled up in a chair in the den, but could hear. He said that he went out there after the drama. He was complaining that it had started raining a bit so he had to pull in closer to the house. Then, he started feeling water in his face. The sprinklers were going off. See! There is justice in this world. I loved it!!!!

Later.

Countdown

This time next week, it will all be over. Hub's big birthday party is next weekend. I'm really looking forward to it but also feeling the self-imposed pressure that we women seem to thrive on. Lots to do between now and then.

My #2 son flew back this morning from his weekend in Texas. He had a great time. It was just right. A little taste of independence to celebrate being 13. Now he is planning all kinds of back and forth trips. We may have created a flying monster.

Hub had a flight out this morning as well. Turned out that our son got off of the same plane that he was going to get on. Can't believe that it turned out so well. I'm scheduled to work the book fair at school tomorrow and then finish up the house, laundry and grocery shopping. The first guest flies in Wednesday morning and Hub flies back Wednesday night. Then we go back to the airport late Friday night, Saturday to a private airport and trips back to both airports on Sunday. We have a couple of families arriving by car on Saturday along with #1 son and his entourage. (That's a whole other story.) Brother-in-law leaves Tuesday night; Hub on Wednesday, and me......I see a glass of wine and a long jacuzzi Wednesday afternoon. Also, we want to do family portraits this weekend since Hub's daughter-who-never-sees-us will be here. I'm working on that, too, but the scheduling is getting really tricky.

I still can't get the Chilean miners off of my mind. When this drama started back in August, I just kept trying to imagine how you could possibly get through that. I'm HIGHLY claustrophobic and it freaks me out. Even the restraint of the cast made me get my weird on. The whole thing just seemed impossible. The fact that they found out they were alive 17 days later. Then when they estimated that it would be Christmas before they could get them out! Un-imagianable! Of course, I watched the rescue late into the night and the next day. What a beautiful thing. It was also so beautiful that for just a little while the world was one together, holding their collective breaths, and celebrating each man's freedom. I read today about the men returning to their homes of poverty. One family lined the street with white bags filled with air because they could not afford balloons. Can't you just see the Wal-Mart bags waving? These men have to be so very changed on the inside, but now what do they do. Many will probably return to the mines due to necessity. Can you imagine? They kept talking about what celebrities they will be, etc. I hope that there is help for them financially, spiritually, mentally, etc. Of course, there are going to be the blood suckers coming to take advantage. I heard that they realized that someone was working to get them out, that they made a pact to never tell what happened during that first 17 days. I would be very surprised if that holds up. Someone will get to one of them and offer "their price" and they will tell. I'm as curious as anyone else. I just hate it when others prey on the weak.

We moved to Midland, Texas soon after the "Baby Jessica" incident. For those who might not remember, she was an 18 month old baby that fell down an open 8" well pipe in a relative's back yard. She was down 22 feet for 58 hours and they had to drill a parallel hole and then a horizontal crossover through rock to get her. It seemed like people across the country held their breath for her as well. Of course, Oprah came with everyone else. I recently saw an interview with her. She is now 24 and a mother herself. They showed her taking her baby, that is about how old she was then, back to the scene to see the capped off well. She's had 15 surgeries to repair her injuries. Living in Midland, there was always someone who knew the family or something about the situation. (Of course, we had to drive by the house.) The parents broke up soon after that. There was talk of the mother going through a lot of the donations frivolously. (There is still suppose to be a rather healthy trust fund that she should get soon.) Several of the rescuers had serious post tramatic issues after that. The man who actually pulled her up committed suicide. She says that she doesn't remember any of it. (Thank you, God.) It just makes me wonder what path those associated with the Chilean miner story will take. Life can take strange turns.

Later.

I talked to my friend.

I'm finally alone in my house for a few hours. Is that time really important to you, too? There has been someone, or many someones, here 24 hours a day for several days now. I just want a little time to do things in my order or way and not be interrupted. Not that the telephone doesn't ring and change plans. Not that I am not easily distracted with things like being at the computer right now. This is my "me time" and I'm finding it more and more important. I love my family, but I need to be alone with myself to have a conversation with myself. Sometimes even out loud, but that's another story.

Son #2 is O-fficially 13 years old now. It just sounds wrong to say "teen" at the end of his age. He is really proud of it and he has been busy reminding us that he is a teenager now and with that comes all sorts of new freedoms. Not always but he thinks it should. He invited 3 boys to spend the night last Friday. Only 1 could due to a non-custodial parent visit and the fact we're new and other parents don't know anything about us. I'm really good with that. I am more likely to agree to him going somewhere that I know the parents think that through. The one boy that could stay is living with his grandparents due to his mom's drug usage. He was very open about all of this and touched my heart. He kept saying that he wanted to stay here and that he had lived in the ghetto. He is a very charming, witty, funny kid. I'm sure he is covering up a lot. I hope he comes back often. We took them to a movie. We ended up having to see a more immature cartoon movie as one of the boys was not allowed to see PG-13 unless his parents were there. (Not surprisingly, it was the same boy that was not allowed to spend the night.) The boys were so funny at the movie. Hub and I laughed so hard at them. #2 was mortified when I told him that not only were we going to the same movie, but that we were going to sit in the back and make out. We did end up having to go to the same movie due to the time frame, but they sat in the back and we were told to sit up front where they could see us. They all seemed to have a great time. The next morning, we let #2 and his friend blow up the last of the 4th of July fireworks to celebrate his birthday. (Wouldn't you like to be our neighbor?) I think that the boy that couldn't spend the night will be allowed to next time. His mom chatted for about 30 minutes when she picked him up; asked if we would like to come to dinner sometime; called Sunday wanting to meet us for lunch but I didn't get the message in time, and her son has asked to spend the night this weekend and has also invited #2 to go with his family to the State Fair. I think we've been approved now. :)

I did had a totally high point this week. Rox and I had a marathon phone conversation on Tuesday. Don't worry about the world. We got all of the world's problems solved. You're very welcome. :) Rox, I TOTALLY enjoyed our visit. Thanks for calling and I want to do that again soon.

It is so easy to chat with a "intimate stranger" like a serious blog buddy. We've have only talked live one other time, but have so much more of an insight into each other due to blogs and e-mails. When I think about the fact that she, and some of you, know me so much more intimately than most of the people in my daily life, it just sounds a little strange. Not to sound like I'm not really, really grateful for these cherished friendships, it's just that I'm thinking about that fact. At this particular time, I don't have any close, close personal friends in my daily, reach-out-and-touch life. (Except for Hub, of course.) I move; they move, friendships tend to change. Would I have different relationships in my life if there was no "social network"? Anywho, this is just a strange little place that my mind wandered to today. Thanks for being my intimate, internet friends.

Big hugs to all.

Later.

Change, Change, Change

Change is the only thing that is constant. Isn't that just profound. The rules keep changing. Not even the characters stay the same. How am I suppose to keep up?

Okay, so now I'm distracted a bit. Justine Bateman just came on TV. Where did that teenage face of hers go? She's looking really old! She would probably say the same thing about me.....if she saw me.....and if she knew me. Oh, well! Now where was I?

Change - Son #1 decided that he wants to go back to Texas to live. Sound familiar? He has been out less than 3 months and this is the 2nd time he's made this decision. This does give us a bit of a breather for which I should be grateful. You are always on guard as to what will happen the next minute when he is around. Hubby has a big birthday toward the end of the month and a lot of family is coming in for it. Hub keeps saying that all he wants is for all of his kids to be here. Anyone want to take a bet as to whether son #1 will decide he wants to hang out here for awhile after the birthday? Actually, Hub seems to have his eyes a little more open this time. Now if we can just keep him from blinking... He finally seems to be seeing how the boy/man has been using him. We've got to back off. We are not helping him.

I really think that there is a girl in Texas that still has quite a hold on our son. He went to high school with her and he was obsessed with her. This girl's insecurities are so obvious and she will do anything for male attention. Anything! She collected boys like a charm bracelet. Our son was so very drawn to her and she wouldn't let him go; not even when she did not want him. I always had the fear that they will end up together. So many times I prayed "God, please don't make me have to love this girl". I thought that I had dodged the bullet as she had a baby a couple of years ago never wrote our son or anything. I thought that I heard that she had married but turns out I was wrong. Son #1 thinks her baby girl is just the best. Oh, brother! Oh, and if that isn't enough, this girl has dropped out of college and is a go-go dancer (according to our son) in a club. Do they even have go-go dancers anymore? I'm thinking that any dancing that she is doing has a pole and tassels in the act. Did I tell you that she was a really nice girl and how much I like her? I didn't? Guess not.

Next week, we will have a teenager in our family again. My baby is turning 13. Really can't believe it although he is developing a bit of the attitude. Why didn't I just freeze him at five years old? I miss that little guy. He thought I was fabulous! Now, we are starting the "don't let anyone know that I have parents" stage. Yuck! He's having 2-3 boys over tomorrow night. For his birthday, I have made arrangements for him to go back to Texas and spend a weekend with his best friend. I can't wait to tell him. He will be so excited. He will be flying by himself for the first time. (Scary for me.) His friend's mom seems to really be looking forward to it. It is such a blessing to have another family love your child. His friend already has a ticket to fly up here Thanksgiving and then we will take him back. Our son has just been missing his old friends so much lately that I thought that this was the best gift I could give him.

The weather is finally getting cooler. It has been absolutely beautiful. The trees are just beginning to change color just a little. I can't wait for Autumn! At least my hubby had the good sense to be born in the Fall. We have family coming from all four directions: Charlotte, NC, Houston, San Francisco and maybe Indianapolis. It should be beautiful when they are here!

Well, I have one more load of wash to get started and then I'm going to bed. What a glamorous life I live! (Not.)

Later.

Best Laid Plans

Like most moms who work in the home, I suffer for the syndrome that my plans are not always/usually my own or my priority. When you work outside the home, we tend to be more like the hubs. (Sorry guys!) It will have to wait until after work...unless it just can't.

Now before you get on to me for making such sexist statements, remember that the opinions expressed here are strictly the opinions and observations of the writer from her own crazy life. Right, wrong or otherwise, this is my reality.

I do take ownership of letting myself get distracted. This blog is a great example this morning. Hub is driving son to workshop and I have laundry that really must be done in lieu of nakedness. But at this moment, this is what I want to do.

I was complaining/whining to Hub last night about how I get really frustrated at the way I tend to handle stress and lots of issues to deal with at one time. I tend to freeze and shut down. It is VERY ineffective. I took a test yesterday that they were talking about on one of the doctor TV shows (Oz, Phil, etc.) According to this very scientific test, I probably am ADD. Not really surprised, as I self-diagnosed myself years ago. Just wish that I had the hyperactivity that sometimes goes with it. For years, I worked daily with affirming coping skills with #1 son to help him learn to adapt to his world. I need to take my own advice.

Last Friday, I was on the phone getting directions from the insurance investigator about what he needed me to do now regarding the stolen car. (Did I ever mention that they had found the car and it had been wrecked?) I was taking down a long list of names and fax numbers and what crazy things that all of these people need. The school called and said that #2 son was in the office from football practice complaining about an arm injury and that I needed to come get him. After 7 hours in the hospital emergency room, it was deemed that his wrist was broken. He was splinted up and told to get to an ortho doc in a few days. (Same E.R. room, same E.R. doc, and same ortho doc that I saw a few weeks ago for myself.) We went on Monday and a cast was put on his arm. He has been in a lot of pain stayed home another day. On Friday, another cast was put on as swelling was still going down and his first cast was getting too loose. It has been something like that every, single day. All things that need to be done. Just little pains in my bum.

I finally set up a local bank account this week. I didn't want to change until my direct deposits from the school district were done. No more checks from them now. :( While I was in the bank, I noticed a sign for a Financial Services Representative. (In other words, teller.) The girl that was setting up my accounts asked me if I worked and then started talking it up with me. She told me how to apply and all about the job. I did look into it and filled out an online application. I had to go back later and she told me that she had mentioned me to her branch manager. Anyway, things look a "bit" promising. Not sure what this will mean without a second car and getting Andrew to workshop and hopefully, to a job. Working is good for me, but I feel like I am still recovering from this summer.

Also, I finally got a new driver's license. I have been renewing my license for the last 10 years and have not had a new picture taken. OMG. My mother's picture is now on my driver's license. The last 10 years have really taken their toll. REALLY depressing. I'm going to lose weight; let my hair grow; get a face lift (maybe not) and then go have my picture retaken. Vanity!

Well I am going to force myself to be productive and focused; at least this morning. I am having lunch with a new friend. A fun distraction.

Have a great weekend!

Later.

Progress (?)

After a really tough weekend, things seem to be settling just a little. We were really blessed to find out about a 5-week workshop at a local church that was exactly what son #1 needed. He was a little hesitant in the beginning, but we offered him $50 spending money for each week he goes. It is dealing with setting personal goals, accountability, resume writing, interview techniques, BUDGETING, personal presentation, obtaining job training, etc. They have had speakers come in and also took a field trip to a food distributor and met with their HR department in their conference room. It's really a wonderful program. He seems to be feeling so much better about himself. It is helping me, too. The break between 9 and 3 every day while he is gone has been good. A well spent $50.

I have to share a smile with you though. He came in here the other day when I was on my computer.

Son: "Mom, would you look up something for me when you get a chance?"

Me: "Sure. What do you need?"

Son: "I need you to look up where a sperm bank is. You know, a place to donate sperm. I can get $400 a pop there. I may not have to get a job!"

So I sit there trying not to laugh or look totally amazed that this is his game plan. After all, who wouldn't want his sperm. He's a good looking man. He just happens to have ADHD; learning challenges; a prison record; addiction to drugs and alcohol and a birthmother who the state has committed more than once. What's there not to love?

I did google a local agency and showed him all of the criteria. They look at health, lifestyle, education, and family background going back 2-3 generations. So then we had a touchy conversation.

Son: "So you are saying that a kid of mine would be defective?"

Me: "I'm not saying that at all. Don't talk about my grandchildren that way. I'm just saying that they have a strict criteria and this is what it is. It's their bank and they get to make the rules."

Son: "Well, they don't have to know."

Me: "You have to be honest and they will find out anyway. You can't play with a couple's lives and feelings that way. They have a right to have all of the information available and then make their decision." (Been there, done that.)


And just when I think he's not getting or accepting any of this, he says:


"So.....do you get paid when you donate blood or is that like just a donation?"


Always thinking, that one! :)



Later.

I'll take "Dull Moments" for $500, Alex.

Not sure where to begin. Never a dull moment around here. In fact, I think I'm going to start praying for dull moments. Not days, just moments. Is that too much to ask for?

• Son #2 started middle school. There is no traffic to speak of in this town, but every car, truck and mini-van is at this school in the morning and afternoon. This complex houses an elementary, middle school, 9th grade academy and high school. A round trip to deliver or pick up takes almost an hour because of lines and lines of cars. Checked into buses, but the ride is really long with a change of buses. Picked up son the first day and he burst into tears that he did not want to play football. Said he was just doing it because daddy wanted him to. I told him to talk to dad. Finally the truth came out that the coach had humiliated him in front of the whole squad because he said "yes" instead of "yes, sir". We talked to him; hub went to school the next day and talked to counselor and coach; everything is cool....or so we thought. Football came and my silly son forgot to say "yes, sir" again. This time another coach called him out in front of the squad and yelled at him "What wrong? Do you have a learning disability?" Those are fighting words to this mom. You NEVER say something like that to a student. We both went up there yesterday and asked the counselor to get him out of there. She agreed and we discussed that we had heard there was room opening up at the school that we are actually zoned for. She made some calls that afternoon and got him in over there. God bless her.
• While we were at school talking to the counselor, Hub got a call from Son #1. He is still in Texas (with Hub's car), living with an old friend and told us last week that he now has gotten a job......as a security guard. Not so sure that I believe any of this story, but that is a whole other subject. Hub still is sending him money and telling him how proud he is of him for getting a job. All of that translates into "Hub and I have not been the best of friends lately". Back to the phone call. Son got up, looked outside and the car was gone. Stolen. He says that he locked the doors but left the windows down so that it wouldn't be so hot. (Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.) He called the police and filed a report. I called insurance and started that end. Again, all of this sounds fishy, but I don't know what else to do but go with it.
• Late yesterday afternoon, Son #2 called Hub and told him that he wanted to come home. He told him that he had done some drugs and knew that he was not strong enough to live there with those influences and stay away from them. I'm sure all of these stories are somehow connected. Not sure if we will ever know the complete truth. Anyway, Hub said that we would send him a bus ticket. I kept trying to tell him to get the ground rules down before he came and that he has to go to counselling. It hasn't been working the way it was. Actually, I think Hub knows that he is enabling, (Lord, knows his wife has pointed it out enough) but he is so afraid that we will lose him and he will have regrets. He doesn't want to see him in a casket. If anything happened to him, Hub would lay all the blame on me. Not fair, but fact. There is no room for me to try to help my son this way. Hub left out of town and I bought a ticket and called him with the details. I will drive to pick him up about 45 minutes away tonight. Hub won't be back until Wednesday night. Perfect!
• Took #2 son to new school this morning. Love it, love it, love it. The people at the other school were really nice (except for the coach), but this school just feels good. I would love to work there. Son was so excited. He wants to play football now just to show the other coach what he lost. :) Can't blame him. My son is a big kid and coaches are always surprised that he is also fast. He will go to school with the boy across the street and they can ride the bus together. Big bonus for mom! I'm so glad that he is there.
  

Okay, let me squeeze some gratefulness out of this:

1. So thankful for the counselor at the first school that showed an interest in him. I had even shared with her what was going on in the family with #1 son and how #2 had been affected. Turns out her brother is in prison for drugs so she truly understands. I think she will be a great resource.
2. Happy about the new school. Everything positive there.
3. I'm grateful that #1 son at least says that he knows he can't do it by himself now. Not sure what all of this means for our family, but it is a start.
4. My family will be grateful that I went to the grocery store after I left school this morning. We were out of everything interesting. Now we are not. Shouldn't have gone to the store hungry.

Later.

Tomorrow

• Tomorrow, my son starts school for the first time in a new state. My normally shy son is excited. Ready for a new adventure. I asked him if he had laid out some clothes to wear. He said "Why?" Definitely not raising a girl here.
• Tomorrow, my son starts the 7th grade. Wasn't it just last year that he was looking at me with desperate eyes as I was leaving him in his kindergarten class? I thought he was going to bolt.
• Tomorrow, he will meet his football coach. He has played league ball before, but playing for a school is different. Soon it will be high school ball and hopefully college. What about his T-ball? I loved it when he played T-ball. Can't he still just play T-ball?
• In about six weeks, my son turns into a teenager. A TEENAGER! Are you kidding me? He has already started getting some of the teenager attitude. The eyes are rolling and he is mortified if I say anything to one of his friends. (OK. The last part is a little fun.) Hub heard that in this state you can get a driver's license at 14. Nuts!

I guess I am just missing my baby. His beautiful blue eyes are still there, but the white blonde locks have turned dark and he won't let me comb it anymore. Those little toes that I use to kiss....not kissing those big feet. Instead of looking down and reaching for him, I'm looking him straight in the eye. Soon I will be looking up. The little boy that depended on me for life is starting to find his own way. He will do well. He's a good boy. I look forward to see all the places he will go.

• Tomorrow, I become a different kind of mother. A middle school mother to my last child. It's suppose to be this way. Why does it make me a little sad? Oh, Lord, what will I do when he goes off to college?

Later.

Red-Letter Day

I told you that I would post a house pic sometime. I guess this is the time. Y'all come see me!

Today is a red-letter kind of day. I got three rejection letters from three different jobs. Shoot! They were even the impersonal, automated, generic letters that e-mail out. Doesn't really surprise me. With school jobs, you have to know someone. Fact of life. I know that. Every mom wants to work in the school for the school schedule. Me, too! But then, if you're lucky, you realize there is something greater than that. Making a difference in a child's life. Many times it comes in really unexpected ways. For some kids, school is the only place they feel safe. Letting them know that someone who doesn't have to love them (i.e. parent) sees them for themselves and likes them ........priceless. Maybe by next year I will "know someone". I really find it rewarding and will miss it.

Now I need to find something else to do that doesn't cramp my style. Whatever that may be. :) Last school year check will be at the end of this month. Hub likes me working. Part of me does, too. The other part...not so much.

We got all of our Friday the 13th repairs made. Plumbing - $300. Lawnmower - hub knew how to fix. Yea, Hub! Car :( Luckily the engine wasn't blown as Hub thought it might be. The A/C was blowing a fuse that was stopping the engine. New A/C - $1200. Hub wants to just get it back here and make a decision whether to pour more money in. They replaced the fuse and got it running again without an air conditioner for $100. Now if we can just get it home. I know I won't be driving it.

Our older son is still in Texas. :( He was suppose to be back Monday. I was afraid that this would happen if he got that close to where we use to live. Hub and I even made a bet on it on whether he would come back on time. (Hub still lives in denial.) After the car problem, that couldn't happen but they did get the car ready yesterday afternoon. His cousin drove him over last night and they spent the night at his sister's. He left there early this morning. I have been so concerned all day because he wouldn't answer our calls or texts and had not shown up. As a mom, I had visions of him in a ditch. But it turns out that he decided to check in on old friends. Very dangerous for him. He finally called late this afternoon when we tricked him with another phone and he didn't recognize the number. He's decided to stay over until Thursday. He says that he really wants to go to church Wednesday night. I would love for that to be the case. My radar tells me that it is a convenient excuse. Oh, and guess what. Hub believes it. Of course, he does. Actually I think he chooses the path of less resistance. So until our son gets back, if he comes back, we have one car. I told him that he better hope that Hub doesn't report the car stolen.

Okay, so back to being grateful, hmmm...

• We entertained Sunday night for the first time in this home. Good company, good food, good time.
• Since we had people coming over, a lot of little details got taken care of. YEA!
• Younger son and I got all of his school supplies today. Check that off of the list.
• School starts here on Thursday, but I don't have to start a new job. Maybe I'm just a little grateful for that.

Later.

Friday the 13th

OMG! This is the third posting this week. I'm rather chatty. Or rather "typey".

It's Friday the 13th. I usually giggle at people that pay attention to that old superstition. The only time I remember changing anything that I was going to do on Friday the 13th was when I was a home decorator. I found out that my afternoon appointment was a real life witch. This came from a strong, credible source. (ie mayor/neighbor) I really didn't want to do business with people that worship the devil, but I had made the appointment a couple of weeks out and professionally felt the obligation to keep it. When I realized the date, I decided that was enough and I didn't want to push the subject. I cancelled.

Thursday the 12th may be a different story though. Older son (#1) was mowing out lawn to be overpaid with gas money. He got halfway through, and the handle of the mower came apart. Hub says that he thinks the mower can be fixed but until then, half-mowed lawn. Then #1 left in Hubs's car to go visit his cousin at college in Texas for a long weekend. Hub and I had words about this because he has been on an extended, very expensive vacation for the last 5 weeks and not really looking for a job. After he left, younger son (#2) went to get the mail and notice water spraying from a pipe in the front yard. Hub went out to check. Hub thinks that #1 had to have ran into the pipe and cracked it while mowing. Never said a word. When he tried to tighten a valve, it broke off in his hand. Now we have a tall geyser. I called the water department. They came out and said it was a pipe to the sprinkler system and past the point of their responsibility. I called our Home Warranty people and was told that they don't cover anything outside of the house. Hub turned off the water and I called the plumber we had used a month ago. He was over booked, but promised to be out first thing today. We turned the geyser back on just long enough to fill up sinks and pitchers, and flush potties. Ewww!

Then #1 called. He was about 4 hours away and the low fuel pressure light was on. He pulled over and the car started dying. He got it started and Hub told him to turn around but he refused. Instead of following the driving directions that we printed out, he went to the town we moved here from and to a favorite hangout. He said he could only go about 30 mph for the last hour and the car happened to stop there. Amazing! He calls us after about half an hour. A repair place that we had used and trusted was not too far away. Hub told him to try and get it started and take it there. In the mean time, the cousin is driving over from college about 1-1/2 hours away and his sister is picking up #1 and will meet him halfway. Everyone is trying to help and I'm still a little ticked at the situation.

Well the plumber came this morning to the house-of-dirty-people. He said that the way it was installed was stupid and should be changed. About $300. He would take the piece back to his shop and see if he can re-tool it to make it work. Today it is just $100. He cut off only the water to the sprinklers so now at least we have water in the house.

Hub called the car repair place and his mechanic thinks that it may not be as bad as we thought. Hasn't given us the what and how much yet, but we can be hopeful.

Gratitude list:

• Happy to have water. Showers are going, dishwasher and clothes washer. Makes me a little more compassionate about people in third world countries. I am so spoiled.
• Thankful for cousins who will go out of their way at 10 p.m.to help my son.
• I'm grateful that half that is mowed is the front lawn instead of the back.
• I'm excited that I knew some of the answers on Jeopardy today. Usually, that show makes me feel really stupid.

Later

Crazy Trash

Note to self: Read your posts a little closer before you publish. You sound like a moron.

"I have got to learn to be more gratitude." Maybe I should try learning a little grammar while I'm learning to be more grateful. Oh, well. I'm sure you got the drift.

Things to be grateful for today:

• Got my nails and toes done today. I'm REALLY grateful for that. Toes were looking rough. Hubby should be grateful, too.
• Went to a fish fry at church. Yum! We would be there EVERY Wednesday if they always did that. I'm bad.
• We will be entertaining for the first time Sunday night. We are hosting a church group at our house. Found some really cute plates at Wal-Mart today. I'm excited. After all, it is the little things.
• While at Wal-Mart, I also found my new favorite drink Minute Maid Cherry Limeade on sale. It was $1.00 a half gallon. I came home with four cartons. I'm not the only one that loves it. Again...little things. You really ought to try it. Big yum!

I'm sure our neighbors truly think that the Beverly Hillbillies have so moved in. Every trash day, we still seem to have a huge pile of crazy, obnoxious stuff. Luckily, in a small town, the trash people will take whatever you put out. I make my son wait until after dark to drag it out. (Sad, but true. I try to hold on to a little dignity.) We have replaced two different beds since we have been here. So on two different times, we have had mattresses stuck out there on top of tons of boxes. Found out that Hub had put his dad's old bed up in the attic after he passed. FIL had been ill and of course the mattress was stained badly. Yuck! That went out, too. What was Hub thinking? Today I think we topped it all though for crazy trash. In our old house, we had an ironing board that folded out from a wall in the master closet. (Pure genius on my part.) Master closet here doesn't have a wall to put one on so I had to go out and buy an ironing board. Since I'm not that vested in ironing boards, I didn't invest a lot in one. Translation = the cheapest one Target had. It's been a little temperamental but today we had it up and neither one of us could get it to fold up. We both inspected, struggled, banged, etc. with no success. I finally told Hub, "It's trash day. Put it out." So on top of all our other treasures, there was an ironing board. A new ironing board with a new cover. Standing up defiantly and ready to go. I probably should have taken a picture. Poor neighbors. Someday we will be normal.

As the Clampetts would say, "Y'all come back now, ya hear!"

Later.

Gratitude

I have got to learn to be more gratitude. Sometimes it is hard to get out of my own little drama to see really fun, good things going on around me. I've been having a pretty blah day, and out of the blue I get a phone call from the Vietnamese lady who used to do my nails. We became friends by "holding hands" through the years and she just found my number and decided to call and see how we were doing. Isn't that the best? Wish she was here. She gave the best mani-pedis.

Anyway, as an exercise for me, I'm going to list a few good things.

• My son has had the neighbor boys over today. For awhile, they were playing hide-n-seek. I love to see them playing really basic, non-electronic games.
• I met some more neighbors while outside last night. Really fun. I'm going to enjoy them.
• I saw several flocks of geese flying over. I love geese.
• We had both of our sons at church with us yesterday.
• I have barbecue ribs cooking for tonight. Yum!
• I only have one more room and one more closet that really need attention to be truly settled. (The garage is another story, but it's hub's story.)
• We received a beautiful plant from our realtor Saturday. Always good to see a florist at your door.
• I found out today that interviews have not started for the job I want. I still have a chance. (It's part-time. Sh-h-h-h. Don't tell Hub.)

Well, that's a start for today. While I was typing this, I had to stop to baste the ribs. The handle fell off of the oven. Oh, well! ;)

Later.

Best of times; worst of times

What a roller coaster we are riding! It is so good to have four of us around our table again. I fixed all of his favorites while Hub set the table in the formal dining room. While we all held hands, Hub said the sweetest prayer thanking God for blessing our family so richly. Then as soon as he gulped down his dinner, our Man/Child ran out the door to go meet some woman/slut that he met in a pool hall. Not exactly a Norman Rockwell moment. Actually, I think that being locked up has made my son into a bit of a slut, but that's another story.

Last night he made a big deal about wanting to take his little brother to a movie. Basically, I think it was a good excuse to not go to a church function that we wanted to go to. We have been trying to talk to him about his money and how his spending is out of control but he insisted how he wanted to spend time with his bro. We told him it was his money. We left and in the middle of our dinner both of our cell phones start ringing. Turns out he decided to go to a restaurant first for dinner. His ATM card was declined, so he had to use the rest of his cash. He wanted us to bring him money to go to the movies. I just told him that I was sorry and suggested that they go home and watch a movie that we had rented. We came home 1-1/2 hours later to find little bro in tears. They came home and in a few minutes my Man/Child told his little bro that he was going to leave and go see another woman/slut. (My words, not his.) At least he didn't take little bro with him.

This morning, he decided that he wanted to make us all breakfast. He always "thought" that he was a good cook, but he has lost a lot of his knack. He started in pretty excited with himself. I bit my tongue as he banged around in the kitchen pulling out everything and turning the burners up to high. Then some girl calls and he bragging how he is cooking for everyone. I kept seeing the mess going all over the place and finally I had to walk out of the kitchen. I realized that the house was getting smokey and told him to turn on the fan in the hood. I turned around to see flames and then a pillar (literally, a pillar all the way to the ceiling) of fire as he tried to put the flaming pan in the sink. I screamed; Hub was close and ran to help. I was sure that we had a hole in the ceiling, but luckily there wasn't. There were dark marks where the flames had "licked" the ceiling. Man/Child went out mad because I was telling him what to do. Hub got a ladder and soap and water to try to clean the ceiling. (Can you say "enabler"?)

He REALLY needs a job. He needs something constructive to fill his time and work off some energy and frustration. Incidents like today worry me to death about him though. If we had not been here, he could have been killed and our home destroyed. He is a 22 year old without the basic life experiences to get to 22. I so wish he could go into the military. He told my husband that being free was hard. He has not been able to make any decisions for himself so he's not to adept at it. The military would probably be such a good segue. They will not take him with a record though.

I do feel so sorry for him. On top of everything else, his birthmother wrote him shortly before he was released. She had been placed in a psych hospital. This has not been the first time. We knew that this had happened in the past but had downplayed it to our son. Our understanding was that her family requested it before. They live in the North and she in the Southwest so I don't know what happened. This time the state likely placed her there. She's 42 now and a bit of a loose cannon but we had hoped that she was on a better path. She sent him her "consequences" list that they had given her. Like how she could earn TV time or group walks, etc. She was always saying how he was going to come live with her and he talked about going out there, too. Now he just talks about how he came from a psycho. She also told him that she found out that his birthfather died a year ago. Who knows if that is true. How much more can he deal with?

I knew that this would be tough on all of us, but I prayed and prayed that it would be tolerable. I AM so glad he is home. I can't think on the hell that he has lived through. He just scares me on several levels. For him; for our family; for our marriage, etc. I feel that familiar old black cloud coming over us. We are all getting stressed out. We are still working on counselling.

Sorry to be such a downer.

Let's talk about The Bachelorette........

Later.

My boy is home!

He's home! I haven't posted anything about this as there are so many emotions going through my being. Relief that he made it through alive....disbelief when I think of all he has dealt with...fear of the unknown future.....frustration when I see old familiar actions or family dynamics.....sadness when I see my hurt little boy.....delight when I see him taking a positive step.

He came out with a beard, longer dirty hair, thin, tired and in old worn clothes that they give them to walk out in. He looked rough and rather Anthony Hopkins-ish only with dark hair. His hair is thinning now and he looked much older. I didn't recognize him at first. We were warned by volunteers there from a prison ministry that he would be a bit disoriented as he had traveled to get there; breakfast was served at 2 AM and it was now 10:30; he had gone through several departments to process, and of course, he hadn't slept well in days from excitement. They told everyone to take him somewhere to eat first thing.

We had waited in a family area for about two hours. There were probably 100 people waiting for loved ones inside and outside on the street across from the prison. Some had several family members there. We were told that many men come out with no one to meet them or even care if they were out or not. I couldn't help but wonder about their stories. Some looked very familiar with the process. Others were like us: scared and uncertain. There was a very old woman. I wondered if she were meeting her son or husband. I wondered how long she had waited.

We had planned to take him to a restaurant with a big buffet. After what he had been eating, we thought that would be heavenly. Instead he wanted to go to a Chili's. Turned out he just wanted to have a beer with his meal. That was probably more of a "I'm my own man now" statement from him. Wasn't sure if that was the best thing for him, but whatever. He was free and I could touch him.

We had brought him clothes to change into which he started changing into in the middle of the street by the car. No modesty now after what he had been accustomed to. I bought him a shirt with an eagle on it and the words "freedom" written across the chest. Hub's sister's lake house was about an hour away and available so we went out there and spent a few days. It is one of his favorite places to be. First thing he did was go take a long, hot shower to get that place off of him. He did get a haircut a couple of days later. Color me happy!

The next few days were pretty up and down. His cousin came out and spent the night with us. The two of them are very, very close and it was so sweet to see them excited to see each other. Two very different young men. One is "Joe College" with the world on a string and then there's our son. Cuz has always been very sensitive and supportive to him. A great cousin. The next day we had a massive water gun and water balloon war before Cuz had to leave. It was great fun. So normal. Other times, he just doesn't know what to do with himself. His anger can get the best of him and he will quickly go into a "prison mode" of speech. He did learn a few more colorful words while there. He is very reactive, which we expected, but still not easy to deal with.

We went into town the evening before we left and had dinner with my brother and sis-in-law. We went to a very nice Italian restaurant and everyone made my son feel special and welcomed. You should have seen the waiter's face when he carded my son before serving him a glass of wine. The only ID he had was one that showed him with a shaved head and the words OFFENDER stamped across it. Poor waiter didn't know what to do. He was embarrassed but we both giggled.

On the way back to Arkansas, we took a detour by our old home. I guess for a little closure. We were only there for about 24 hours and he got to see a few close family friends. It seemed really odd bringing him in to our new home and showing him around. We simply could not get the loft ready for him in time and he is still in the guest room. (Movers lost the rails to his bed.) He is part of us; not a guest. He was so happy to see the pets. They are getting lots of loving.

Not sure what the future will bring, but like they say, I know who holds the future. We are reminded all the time at how much life experience he lost due to drugs and then being locked up. One night, he signed up for a seemingly fly-by-night Internet college from a pop-up on the computer. I found out when I got an e-mail about a receipt from the $50 he had wired from his bank account. We suggested to him we check it out a little bit first.

He is gone this weekend to see some another close cousin who lives about 6 hours away. This guy is a good influence on him and we encouraged him. He has been driving around town, but he has never taken a longer trip by himself. I printed out maps and directions, but I realized he was in a bit of a panic. I tried to show my confidence in him, told him to call and let us know how he was doing, and prayed hard as he left. He called frustrated and wanting to confirm directions 20 minutes after he left. Then he called probably 15 times through the trip. He was so afraid he would miss a turn or not sure how to navigate. I kept Mapquest up and tried to assure him that I knew exactly where he was and he was good. He would say "I'm passing a school. Do you see it?" Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. :) He got there and I think has a sense of accomplishment. Just what he needed. I had better stay by the phone on Tuesday when he heads back. He will NEVER be able to figure out how to reverse the directions. :)

That's probably enough on the subject for tonight. Thanks for all the support and prayers you have offered.

Later.

A Day of Freedom

This is the week we have been waiting for. On Friday, we will pick up our son and our family will start another new chapter.....all together again. I am excited and apprehensive at the same time. Hub is leaving Wednesday for a big business meeting. He got permission to leave early on Thursday and will fly down to Houston where we will meet him at the airport that night. Then on Friday morning, we will be sitting outside waiting for my baby to walk through the gates. You don't have a specific time. Just some time that day; hopefully morning. I'm sure that it will seem like forever. A bit like waiting for Santa to come. It will surely be a scene. Lots and lots of tears. Hub says that he wants to pick him up and carry him out. That could prove interesting with a 22 year old man. :)

This is the one time I will not get on to him for shooting the finger. As long as it is discreet enough not to get him in trouble. I may be doing it myself. What a trial this has been. Not that it was not deserved, but the society that lives within those walls is hellish. The evil community that breeds off of the weaker and destroys lives and families. Everyone in there is seeking a prey. The uniforms are just as bad. It is a nasty circle that leaves scars everywhere. They call the outside the "real world". How do you truly leave behind this "unreal world" behind? Although we hope that the lessons learned here are retained forever, how do you unlearn that everyone is not out to get you and that you yourself do not have to fight and use others to rise above? I cannot imagine what is in his soul right now. He says that he couldn't see or feel God in there. As much as that saddens me, I can understand that. How do we rekindle that faith? His faith in God. His faith in others? His faith in himself?

He has had 3-1/2 years of doing nothing. We call that rehabilitation? I'm sure at first that he will be so very hyper that we can't stand him. But after that, 3-1/2 years of sitting and sleeping definitely makes a habit. He is already so far behind on the learning curve. He has been reading. Go figure, the kid with a learning disability has been reading like crazy. Hopefully, he will pick that back up and not associate it with where he was. When I think of the small area that he has been living in....well, I can't think of it or really imagine how that would feel. Will he feel insecure in a big room; be able to sleep in a soft bed; be able to be in a crowd without jumping out of his skin?

How long will it take for the rest of us to truly feel "normal"? To have that "family" closeness? To not hide medications or valuables? To not feel the need to double check everything he says? Maybe that was our normal, but I pray for something else.

Lots of questions. The one thing that I do know is that I can't wait to put my arms around him and feel his cheek against mine. To tell him over and over again how much I love him. To see his beautiful blue eyes, dimples and Tom Cruise smile. To hear him sing. He loved to sing. He has a whole new and different world to explore. Younger brother is so anxious to show him the new video systems and to finally be able to beat him in a game. I love to see my sons doing something together. Even if it is a video game.

We celebrated Independence Day yesterday and gave honor to the day and the ones who have given and are giving so much to preserve freedom on our behalf. But on Friday, July 9th, my family will celebrate our own day of Freedom and Independence. Please say a little prayer.

Later.

Success

Success:

To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty;
to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.


Copied this from a dear friend of mine. Just wanted to remind myself.

Make it a happy day!

Later.

Southern Comfort

We're here! Actually, we are all over the place here in "box city". I feel like we should be further along with unpacking after a week, but it is what it is. Each room is partially done. Nothing completely. A lot of things are in closets and shelves that will need to be re-done. Some things are still waiting to be found in a box somewhere. Guess this is all part of the process.

We are finding our home to fit us even better than we thought. Things are coming together. I don't think that I had totally bought into this house before. It was a symbol or a very hard transition in our lives. I knew it was a great house....for someone. I just didn't think it would really be for me. Surprise. We're here. Our ever growing stuff is here, too. It will be okay.

We were happy to find a boy across the street who is in the same grade as our son. He loves baseball, too. YEA! Also, his mom said that she is on the board of the PTO for the school that we wanted and expected him to be in. She said that she can get him in. No problem. She will be my new hero if she pulls that off. We have only met one other family in the neighborhood, but found out that there is a huge block party here for the 4th of July. Wonder woman across the street is one of the instigators. That will be a great way to meet people. The church that we have been going to is also having an old fashion church picnic that day. Sounds like a busy social day. Also, sounds like a multiple shower day. I'm just saying... It has really been hot and humid here.

The people here continue to entertain me. Really good, honest country people. People that you don't know tell you so much. We had to call for an A/C repair and the little lady that schedules appointments told me all kinds of things about her kids and grandkids. Including the fact that her grandson was the principal at the middle school we want to go to. Turns out that he is actually assistant principal. You know how proud grandmas are. We went to a country style restaurant for lunch today. The gift shop is full of redneck sayings. "You may be a redneck goddess if you have ever worn a tube top to a wedding." There was actually a NEW city ordinance that was just passed. It states that it is against code to park a car in your front yard on the grass within the city limits. Unbelievable that this had to be addressed in 2010. I really don't want to sound like I'm making fun of the people. They have been super friendly and welcoming to us. I am enjoying them. I just have never felt so much like a "city girl" before. But, the "sweet tea" here is super good. Ye-haw. I will adjust.

Y'all come see us now. Ya hear? Just don't park in the "fronchard".

Later.

The Next Chapter

It's very late, or actually early in the morning ,and I'm sitting here in a torn up house of boxes. Tomorrow they will be packing up my dear computer so I will be having withdrawals. I have got to progress to a laptop. I'm not even sure where I am going to set up this thing. I'm accustomed to having a kitchen desk, but the new house doesn't have one. :(

People will be crawling this house at 8 a.m. and "maybe" get all of our things out by the end of the day. This has all been so surreal. I'm actually dreading the house being empty. It's turning from a home into a house right before my eyes. There is so much of our history connected here. So many laughs and so very many tears. In the past ten years since we have lived here, we have celebrated 10 Christmas', watched our little boy go from 2 to 12, watched first love, many babies born to friends and family, lots of barbecues, many flowers bloom and wonderful sunsets. Even some double rainbows. We've also lost. Had a son taken away due to drugs, lost 2 mothers, a dad, a brother, a brother-in-law, a cousin, several aunts & uncles. We went almost a year without a job. We've seen divorces. We also got to be here when a young couple in the neighborhood came to us because they were ready to split up. We talked to them quite a bit and went to a marriage recovery seminar with them. They didn't split. Are now happily married and the parents of precious twins. It wasn't by accident that we were here. During the happy times there were people we wanted to share it with. During the sad times, we had "friends who are family" here to share that with also and comfort us.

This is one of those changing times of life. Finally, just tonight, I think I'm okay with this. It has been a long time coming. I feel a little bit of closure. My son will be home in less than a month. Our family will be together again, and I think we all may appreciate it a little more. So on to our next chapter.

Later.

Honey, I love you but give me Park Avenue.

OK. So I just have to laugh. This has been a day of discovery. Now that I'm not working, I am trying to get the business of the move under control. Things like when and where and who. Things like electricity, phone, water. This is some of what I found out today.

• Our buyers are still calling wanting to close on the 13th. Today's the 8th. Now they have figured out that they will lose their locked in rate if they don't. Should of thought of that before. Anyway, house is closing early. We're not moving early. All is well.
• I have been trying to get the moving company to hold off delivery until after the weekend. We have some painting we wanted to do and have done before the furniture was in. Found out that the painter our realtor recommended said that it would be at least $2000-$3000. That is just for 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and the loft. No way, Jose. The movers can't hold off and are delivering on Friday. Oh, well. At least the main areas of the house were just done. We will get it done room by room.
• I called the Chamber of Commerce to get who all the utility numbers for the city. Lady was really nice and gave me a full page worth of numbers.
• Found out today that our new home is not in the city limits. You would think we would have known that, but no. Our address is one town, our school district is another, and we are somewhere out there. Big surprise! I found that out when I called the city to start services. After much talk and looking, she came up that we had no services with them. She said that they use to handle the sewer but they turned it over to the water co-op. She said that people in the trailer park would come in and not sign up to pay and they couldn't track them. Think about it. (Insert giggle here.)
• Found out that there is no trash/garbage services except for independent contractors. She gave me several names and numbers. Found another one on our disclosure papers. Can you imagine all of the trucks coming up and down the streets? I'm going to wait on this one until we are there and can get the "dirt" (pun intended) from the neighbors about who to use.
• Called the gas company to start service. Got the good news that you have to come to the office in person to get it started. The ONLY way to do it. She finally looked it up and said that she didn't show service to that address anyway. We have an all electric home. Didn't know that they still built those. Another thing we should of checked. Should have asked for the electric bill averages. I can only pray now.
• Called the electric company and got the same thing that I had to be there in person to get service. I asked about doing anything online or by fax. The lady said "Look, we are not in the 20th century here. You have to come in and we don't take cards. Bring cash or a check." I told her we were driving in from Texas one day and the furniture would be here the next morning. I really needed electricity and asked if there was any other way. She checked and the current owners have not put in a disconnect so she is going to write herself a note not to turn it off and just transfer it to us. She will even let me wait until Monday morning to come in to her office. Gotta love this lady. I just get a picture of Carol Burnett as Eunice.
  

Didn't get to the rest of the utilities today. I wanted to leave some entertainment for tomorrow. Can't wait to call the water and sewer people!

All I want to know now is .........WHERE IN THE HELL AM I MOVING TO? Green Acres? :)

Later.

Changes

Life is moving fast now. This will be our last week here. Movers come the next week. I still feel in denial. I guess it will become real when they start taking things out of my hands and putting them in boxes. We have been dealing with this way too long. I'm ready for it to be done.



I'm glad to be done with school. Not really school, but I am ready for a break from the school schedule. The last day went so fast. I did really well with crying kids, etc. I had decided that I am all cried out these days. I was wrong because in walked a first year teacher that will be leaving to go to graduate school. She came in with tears in her eyes, grabbed me, and fell into the ugly, sobbing cry. Who can take that? From then on, it was down hill. About 30 of us went to happy hour together. That was fun. We went to a restaurant a little bit away so that hopefully we would not run into any of our students or their parents.



Our air conditioning upstairs went off last night. Not a good thing when it was 100 degrees yesterday. I went down a flipped some breaker switches (the only thing I know how to do) but it didn't start. Somehow in the wee hours it came on. Maybe it froze up. Anyway, I have to get it serviced this week and pray it lasts until the other people move in. We are buying them a home warranty, so they can handle whatever. Hub left today on a 4-day business trip. You know that something else will have to happen. It's the law. Murphy's law.



Our son will be home in a little over a month. Doesn't seem real after so long. There will be a lot of changes for all of us. Little brother has been an only child for a while now. I don't think he will like giving that up. Things are so different now and it will be a hard realization for our son. He left here a boy with us taking care of him that way. He is coming back a man. I'm afraid that he will be disappointed when he tries to come back into a life he remembered. Tough part of growing up and he will have it all at one time. He used to get between Hub and I. I'm not looking forward to that game. Don't get me wrong. Our family has been broken without him here. I want him here. At our table, and with us. It is just that it was really, really bad. We dealt so much with the drugs instead of with our son. I don't know that I really remember how to act like a "normal" family of four any more. Our dynamics will certainly have changed.

When you think about it, send up a little prayer for our family. We can really use it.

Later.

Exhaling

Thanks for bearing with me during my own little meltdown. Life, as we know it, just became too much for both of us. Much talking, apologies, more talking and praying and things now seem a little better. I've been with this man too long to throw it away. Don't know if he ever read all of that or not, but it was pretty raw and really truthful. Wouldn't take back a thing.

Hopefully, we are on a straighter course now. We still have a job and are still moving. We went to Arkansas this weekend and after much looking found another home. I think I like it even better than the first. The inspection came through today and it is great. Our picky inspector just found a few minor things. We should be there on the 21st. Just a couple of weeks before our son comes home. What a summer!

We just have two more days of school. I'm so ready. I also found out today that I still had two days of leave that I will lose and not be paid for. Sure is tempting to call it a day. Actually, I just want to have time to say goodbye. I am so going to miss these kids. The ones that know that I am leaving have been saying that they were sad that they couldn't come back and see me. Me, too! They have made a difference to me as I hope I have made to them.

So the synopsis is....still married, still employed, still moving, still leaving.....still breathing.

Later.