- Son #2 started middle school. There is no traffic to speak of in this town, but every car, truck and mini-van is at this school in the morning and afternoon. This complex houses an elementary, middle school, 9th grade academy and high school. A round trip to deliver or pick up takes almost an hour because of lines and lines of cars. Checked into buses, but the ride is really long with a change of buses. Picked up son the first day and he burst into tears that he did not want to play football. Said he was just doing it because daddy wanted him to. I told him to talk to dad. Finally the truth came out that the coach had humiliated him in front of the whole squad because he said "yes" instead of "yes, sir". We talked to him; hub went to school the next day and talked to counselor and coach; everything is cool....or so we thought. Football came and my silly son forgot to say "yes, sir" again. This time another coach called him out in front of the squad and yelled at him "What wrong? Do you have a learning disability?" Those are fighting words to this mom. You NEVER say something like that to a student. We both went up there yesterday and asked the counselor to get him out of there. She agreed and we discussed that we had heard there was room opening up at the school that we are actually zoned for. She made some calls that afternoon and got him in over there. God bless her.
- While we were at school talking to the counselor, Hub got a call from Son #1. He is still in Texas (with Hub's car), living with an old friend and told us last week that he now has gotten a job......as a security guard. Not so sure that I believe any of this story, but that is a whole other subject. Hub still is sending him money and telling him how proud he is of him for getting a job. All of that translates into "Hub and I have not been the best of friends lately". Back to the phone call. Son got up, looked outside and the car was gone. Stolen. He says that he locked the doors but left the windows down so that it wouldn't be so hot. (Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.) He called the police and filed a report. I called insurance and started that end. Again, all of this sounds fishy, but I don't know what else to do but go with it.
- Late yesterday afternoon, Son #2 called Hub and told him that he wanted to come home. He told him that he had done some drugs and knew that he was not strong enough to live there with those influences and stay away from them. I'm sure all of these stories are somehow connected. Not sure if we will ever know the complete truth. Anyway, Hub said that we would send him a bus ticket. I kept trying to tell him to get the ground rules down before he came and that he has to go to counselling. It hasn't been working the way it was. Actually, I think Hub knows that he is enabling, (Lord, knows his wife has pointed it out enough) but he is so afraid that we will lose him and he will have regrets. He doesn't want to see him in a casket. If anything happened to him, Hub would lay all the blame on me. Not fair, but fact. There is no room for me to try to help my son this way. Hub left out of town and I bought a ticket and called him with the details. I will drive to pick him up about 45 minutes away tonight. Hub won't be back until Wednesday night. Perfect!
- Took #2 son to new school this morning. Love it, love it, love it. The people at the other school were really nice (except for the coach), but this school just feels good. I would love to work there. Son was so excited. He wants to play football now just to show the other coach what he lost. :) Can't blame him. My son is a big kid and coaches are always surprised that he is also fast. He will go to school with the boy across the street and they can ride the bus together. Big bonus for mom! I'm so glad that he is there.
Okay, let me squeeze some gratefulness out of this:
- So thankful for the counselor at the first school that showed an interest in him. I had even shared with her what was going on in the family with #1 son and how #2 had been affected. Turns out her brother is in prison for drugs so she truly understands. I think she will be a great resource.
- Happy about the new school. Everything positive there.
- I'm grateful that #1 son at least says that he knows he can't do it by himself now. Not sure what all of this means for our family, but it is a start.
- My family will be grateful that I went to the grocery store after I left school this morning. We were out of everything interesting. Now we are not. Shouldn't have gone to the store hungry.
Later.
5 comments:
When I saw your FB I was like "Ruh r'oh!" and I knew something was beyond up.
I say it's time mama grabbed the bull by the horns with all the males in the house! A classic symptom of addiction is the co-dependence associated with those around the addict. Be his bottom line. I'd be laying the ground rules with that one because for one, he's an adult. And two, why should he be allowed to totally disrupt your house/family/lives? Your husband needs to come to terms with the part he plays in all of this too. Is there any way y'all can get some family counselling? I just want to go down there and be the cuter Canadian version of Dr. Phil! LOL!
I wish you the strength you need to deal with all this stuff. It sounds like you're keeping your head above water though...big hugs.
Seek counseling... for Son #1, Son #2 (new schools cause boys lots of stress), you and Hubby too. Don't try to do this by yourself. And #1 shouldn't drive one of your cars ever again. Doesn't matter how much of an inconvenience it is to the family to tote him around. You now have the inconvenience of trying to locate and replace the other car. Tough love has to be tough sometimes. I'm praying for you all.
Been away too long! So much is going on in your life. I'm praying for your strength.
I second all of the above. Smart ladies. Hubby needs a reality check: he can't control anything #1 does (no one can), and that boy is manipulating you. I recognize the techniques my son used. Listen to that intuition of yours. If it were anyone else doing those things, what would you do? That's how to detach and make decisions that aren't muddied by emotion.
I recommend counseling just to get your husband on the same page as you. Find someone who specializes in troubled young men and/or addictive behavior. Or check out Alateen/Alanon for parent support groups. They're out there. Maybe hubby will listen to another dad. (That's what it took for my own husband.)
I know you love #1 and don't want him to fail. But he will have to be the one who makes that decision, not you. Don't prolong the inevitable. Why wait through more years of painful discovery to reach the point that you can accomplish now?
When you bail him out you're telling him he can't do it. Give him advice, not money or things, and let him make the choices and learn. Draw the line and hold it. Tell him you love him every chance you get. And prove it by being willing to do the hard stuff rather than caving to his demands. The best of luck, sweetie.
Yeah Birdie! It's sad but you have to look at it as he's a threat to your home. If someone came into your home and did the things he is doing to you and your property you'd consider them a threat wouldn't you? Like Birdie said, he's got to make the decisions to do what his parents ask. Your home you get to set the rules, that is until he's paying all the bills. That's how we had to put it to our daughter.
This puts a whole other slant on "it takes a village to raise a child". Sometimes it takes the village and maybe 3 states and 2 countries. :)
I appreciate all of your very good advice and support. I need to hear it and sometimes be re-affirmed by it. I am "virtually" surrounded by smart women.
I see the wheels turning on Hub. I have even shared with him a little of the pearls of wisdom from here. We both have been drawing a more defined line with #1 and researching counseling. The fruit remains to be seen.
Thanks for caring.
Post a Comment