Greetings

Merry Christmas to all; and to all a good night! Peace.

I AM thankful after all. I just didn't know it.

The next time I start blogging about not being thankful, I hope someone will stop me. I am really being taught about thankfulness. Last week, a co-worker shared with me that she was divorcing her husband. I had suspected that something was going on, but waited for her to tell me. She has moved out, is in debt up to her neck, working with custody attorneys, and starting over after 17 years. Besides other things, she found out that hubby hadn't pay taxes for awhile so who knows where the end will be. We were just at their Halloween party at their over-the-top amazing home. You never know what people are going through.

Then Monday morning, a sweet, quiet father came in the office first thing and handed me an envelope. Actually I thought that it might be a Christmas card. I opened it to see the nice stationery of a local children's hospital asking to excuse his son from school. His 12 year-old son is in ICU and it stated that "his discharge was uncertain". He said that his son has bleeding in his brain that has been undetected since birth. It would keep bleeding until eventually, the boy would pass out and die. His history teacher passed by and said that he knew that the boy had not felt well for the past few days. That poor man stood there with frightened eyes and in less than perfect English asked for the prayers of the school. They are meeting with doctors to decide a course of action.

Today, one of our students was wheeled in by his father for a visit. This boy fell out of a tree. A thirty-foot fall! He had many broken bones including face, arm and leg. Evidently, this kid is quite a rascal, but how lucky is he to be alive? He was grinning and loving the story. Boys!!

OK So the moral of this story is that I AM thankful that I have an intact, "mostly functioning well" family. I am thankful that I have 2 healthy boys. I am thankful that I have the hope that this will be the last Christmas that we have to spend separated...until we have to share with the family of a daughter-in-law. I'm even thankful that I am in a place to have this hard lesson taught to me.

Don't ever say that you are not thankful! The lesson is not easy.

Thankfulness.

I guess you can tell that I'm working myself up for Christmas. The spirit is getting there, but the body isn't actually following yet. Translation: I've watched Christmas movies all day and ordered a few things online. Other than that I have been a slug all day.

Really I'm not sure that I'm quite through with Thanksgiving. I have thought long and hard about this holiday. I reminded myself many times and truly was thankful for the fact that I still have TWO sons. That fact could of easily changed this year. One is with me and the other is with me in my dreams. I planned what I would wear Thursday so that my outfit would match a necklace that my son made me while he was in rehab. I just wanted something of him close. It broke while I was putting it on with beads rolling all over my sister's bathroom. Guess that "things" don't quite measure up. I kept thinking all day how he was probably imagining all that we were doing. Knowing that family traditions he loved were going on without him. Remembering the circle of family holding hands with heads bowed in thanks. The dinner plates piled too high with good food. Football on the TV. The newest little baby being passed around. Most special to him....the family football game with his dad, brother, uncles and cousins. Family tradition. Somehow I felt a little cheated for him and for me, too.

Then we drove back home and of course I check what is going on with my cyber friends. There was Birdie who has walked her own rocky path with her son giving thanks that it was him and not someone else that fought this fight. Someone else may not have had the support and strength that her son has been blessed with. He has come out stronger and someone else might not have. Her marriage has been tested and proven strong by this reality. I know that we too have been so blessed by a son that is alive to dream of family traditions, by a marriage that sustains us, and the love of an extended family that doesn't truly understand, but tries to. But thankful that this is the walk that is our life? I'm not. The pain is still too raw. I keep a lot of it to myself because Hub is so easily stirred up about the whole situation and that's a whole other painful scenario that I rather not deal with.

So for now, I will just press on to the next holiday. Maybe next year I can reach the level of thankfulness that I wish I could this year. I'm not there yet. Thanks, Birdie for leading the way.

YEA ME!!!

Can I just say that I'm proud of me? You won't hear me say that too often, but right now I am. I just knocked some major names off of my Christmas list and it is not even Thanksgiving. Omaha Steaks....you are my friend. We have a lot of extended family and I use to spend way too much blood, sweat and tears over shopping, wrapping and mailing presents. It's nuts! I drive myself and everyone around me crazy. Anyway, I have decided on steaks and another company that makes the most fabulous brunch baskets....that the way I'm rolling. Pay just a little extra and they will make them beautifully Christmasy and send them on their way. Priceless!!!

I really have enjoyed this week. It was unseemly smooth. Even got some lower priority jobs done. Today is Friday. Yea! Next week will be a two-day work week. Bigger Yea! Yep, it was too good to be true. All of the crazies waited to come in today. Administration was in back-to-back meetings all afternoon. I had one lady who decided to have a sit-in in my office until she could talk to the principal. I kid you not. She had no appointment and refused to fill out any kind of paperwork to start a grievance. She was there for over four hours. Guess what she was upset over? Her daughter had been called out over a dress code violation. Her cute little precious had the shortest skirt on. Her hoo-ha was showing. I had to ask her to put her backpack in front of her while she sat in my office with her legs spread. Did I mention that this girl was 12? People can be so stupid. Why are we so surprised that most of the schools have to do special seminars on bullying? The parents are doing it every day. I've decided that I have quite a bit of job security. I don't think anyone wants my job.

Also, this week I was in on a meeting with administration and the guy that is head of security for the district. Well that was certainly sobering. This department falls under the Federal Homeland Security. I guess I am glad that there is such a well-researched, well-planned security process in place. Actually, it just makes me sad and question how did we get to this place in society. When I was a kid, if a child was walking home from school and accepted a ride, do you know what your mom would have asked first? "Did you say thank you?" Anyway, the responsibility of this job and the safety of over 1,000 children and adults does weigh on me sometimes. You just pray that there is never an opportunity to use your training.

I have to leave you with a funny story though. I had a student sent down by a substitute for a disciplinary referral. This is a 12 year old boy who is on a low level academically and much lower emotionally. He had a little meltdown in class, telling the teacher that he was nuts among other things. Anyway, he was sent down and because there was no one to handle a disciplinary, I just had him sit in my office until the period was over and then go on to his next class. Well, he was happy as a clam working on something in his notebook. I was impressed. Then he said that he needed some tape. Probably tore something in his exuberance. I turn around to work on something and when I turned back around he was not in his chair. I called for him and he sat back down looking like "the cat who swallowed the canary". Finally, I see it. He has made a sign saying what an amazing and sweet principal that we have and other niceties scrawled in a childlike handwriting. Then he taped it to the Principal's door. OMG. Actually it was probably pretty smart. If you are coming down on a disciplinary, might as well go out as a hero. These guys crack me up.

Well, time to get a little sleep. Another day of fun and games tomorrow.

Later.

Football and Chinese

It is such a gorgeous day here. Cool, by our standards, but the sun is beaming. My son has a football game in a couple of hours and this is so the weather that I like to get out an watch a game. This will be his last game of the season (yeah) unless he accepts the invitation to be on the pro bowl team (????). It's a nice honor, but Mom is a little bit ready to have some unstructured Saturdays. We will see what he decides.

Well, it looks like another one of my "personal project" kids is going to be sent to alternative school for a while. It doesn't look like I am doing very well with these projects. I'm not sure why I think I can save them when I couldn't even save my own child. I see so many 12 & 13 year old kids that are left at home alone to get themselves up and off to school. Some make it; some don't. The parents are just doing what they feel they have to. I don't get home until a while after my child, too. I don't like that either. I hate to see the kids pay the price.

Hub and I were officially duds last night. Our son was going to a birthday party so we were going to try again to have a date. (We were suppose to last week while he was at a sleepover, but then he got sick and had to stay home.) This is the way it went. Boy goes to party at 5:30. Man didn't get home until 7:30. Woman wanted to watch last half of "Deal or No Deal....so sad. In the meantime, man falls asleep in chair. Woman finally decides to order in chinese at 8:30. Man eats and goes to bed at 10:00. Son home at 10:15. Woman goes to bed at 10:30. Yep.....that would be official duds. We are too young to be that old! Friday night use to be my favorite night. Now I'm just tired from the week.

I'm really worried about our neighbors across the street. Keep them in your prayers. They are a young couple who are pregant with twins. She is at 27 weeks and she was put into the hospital this week to stay for at least 8 weeks. The babies are impatient. I cannot imagine being in bed for that long. They are scared to death. She is really petitte so I know that this is a lot to carry. Their marriage has been so fragile in the past, that I'm not sure they would get through if they lost those sweet babies.

Well, I need to put in another load of laundry and get ready for football. Hope your weekend is as pretty as ours.

Later.

Weekend Stuff

I feel so much better. I got to lay hands on my boy yesterday. It was so good to see him. He had lost a little weight, but I think that is to be expected. We really couldn't talk about his suicide attempt, but I did see the scar. We have been trying to keep that news from his little brother and of course he was with us. The warden came in while we were there and we met with him after leaving visitation. He really is a nice guy. (A true Texas cowboy that probably looks like you guys imagine we all do.) He explained a few things to us and he is suppose to look into some things for us on A's behalf.

My other son has been sick all weekend. My sis-in-law was in town this weekend for an SMU sorority reunion. He was feeling a little better and his fever was down so we took her out to dinner Saturday night and we all just stayed away from him. He also went yesterday and we made him stay away from his brother's face. (They don't get a lot of medical care in there so he has to stay well.) Anyway, on the way back he was feeling worse and threw up big around 10:30. Hence I am staying home today and will call for a doctor appointment as soon as the office opens. I'm really afraid now that he either has strep or the flu. His throat is still sore, still fever, his head hurts and is filled with "stuff". Yuck!

OK I did say that I would put something more uplifting and fun in this post. We had a staff meeting this past week. The principal had us sit in tables according to how much educational experience we had. The table went from 2 years and under all the way to a table for 16 years and more. At one point the principal was making the point/observation that years of experience and age don't always coincide. I was listening, but looking down at a handout, and thinking she's right. We have a lot of really young, extremely qualified experienced teachers. I looked up to see about 10 people looking at me at the 2 years and under table. Oh, hell. I guess that goes both ways. The old lady is sitting at the children's table. It was a little embarrassing, but I had to laugh anyway.

We did several group activities while in our little groups. One was to draw a picture that represented the attributes of our school parents. Our group and others drew two overlapping circles with the positive traits written on one side and the negative traits the other and then the common traits in the overlapping area. Several groups drew literal pictures. They had the captions on each side like "What can I do to help?" "I appreciate the work you put into teaching my child." to "My little precious would never do something like that." "Why can you teach him something? You clearly don't like him." Anyway, what was funny was the picture that one group drew (of course a male teacher was holding the pen) of a woman literally split in half. One side had a smile, a turtleneck sweater and pearls and the other was snarling in a spaghetti-strapped tank top with a boob hanging out. Funniest picture. It was hard to keep the meeting going on with any professionalism after that.

Well, I need to get on to the pediatricians. Thanks for keeping in touch. I enjoy all of your blogs.

The holidays are coming!

The weeks seem to really be flying. I'm always being reminded by kids that Christmas is just around the corner. Does that stress anyone else out? I feel myself tighten up starting after Halloween knowing that after Thanksgiving, I will be in full blown panic mode. I hate that I feel that way. I promise myself every January that next year I will just let it go and enjoy.

It certainly doesn't hurt that this will be another holiday without our son. I was looking at cards the other day at Wal-mart and saw the Thanksgiving cards. I thought that I should find a good one to send my son. Soon I was crying in the store. "Wish you were here" just didn't seem appropriate. "Have a happy thanksgiving". Are you kidding! I think I was looking for one that said "This just sucks big!" It is hard to celebrate anything when someone you love is missing.

We did get word (that would translate into we saw on the website) that he was moved again this week. He is back to where he was before. Thankfully, he will not be 3-1/2 hours away versus 5-1/2 plus. We plan to get up early tomorrow morning and head over there. We have to hurry back as Hubby needs to work tomorrow night to prepare reports for some visit next week. I'm really anxious to see my boy. I haven't seen him in about 6 weeks. I need to see that he is physically healed, too.

Looks like our Saturday afternoon football game is out of the question. My younger son has a really sore throat and is running fever. His class was on a field trip yesterday and he started feeling bad. He called me at school in tears that his throat hurt. I'm not sure if he was crying from pain or the fact that last night was his best buddy's birthday sleepover. When he is crying to me that he won't be able to go, I know he is really sick. Hub and I had planned to have a "hot date" since he would be gone, but instead we all got in our pj's and rented "Get Smart" to watch. It actually was a pretty good night except for the fact that now all of the "good" Halloween candy is gone.

Well, I need to get busy. Sorry this is such boring post today. I will be thinking about something to tell you that is much less self-indulgent. That's kind of hard though. After all, it is all about me. :)

Later.

Buses, dogs and seizures. Oh my!

Can't seem to shake yesterday out of my head. You just never know what a day is going to bring. I'm getting use to the fact that my job is at a pretty fast pace and can be described in one word: multi-tasking. (That is one word. See the dash!) But yesterday.....

School starts at 8:30 with the doors opening for the kids at 8:00. I usually get there about 7:50. At 8:15, I got a call from a mom saying that her son had called her and his school bus had been involved in an accident. She said that the police were there, evidently there were more cars involved, and she expected a full report. I called the bus company, who didn't know much more at the time. In a few minutes, they called back and we had three students on board, but everyone was fine and they would do parental notifications. Oh, and I forgot to say....this was a special needs bus. That brings on a whole other set of worries. Then I had the cocky police officer from the school at my elbow informing me - in his best NYC officer tone - that there had been an accident (I knew), to call the bus company (I had), and to notify the parents (they were).

After that calmed down a little, I had a woman call to say that there had been a dog hit by a car on the busy street behind the school. She went into great detail about how she always tries to help hurt animals but this one limped away on to the school property only to lie down next to the tennis courts and die. Great! Tennis classes were to start soon. As much as my heart is touched by animals, we had a large class of students going out there that I didn't want traumatized by a hurt and probably dead animal. I call animal control and ask them to come check on it.

Then the boys from the bus accident come in. Of course, being 12 and 13 year old boys, they thought it was awesome. Everyone is fine; they have great stories to tell and we take care of their tardies and send them off to classes.

Finally find the tennis coach who takes a golf cart and surveys the school property. Can't find the dog. We are not sure whether animal control was on the job or if the poor dog decided to drag off somewhere else to die.

By this time, it's about 9 a.m. I've also seen about 30 students that were late to school; taken at least the same amount of parental calls; won another satellite dish (that's what the recorded voices always tell me); accepted forgotten lunches, football pads and assorted things brought up school by their parents.

Then I hear from another employee that the school "I-can't-be-happy-so-no-one-else-can-be-happy" nurse at our school has started something about me. She told this employee that everyone (meaning she and one other) were upset over an office staff meeting last week where the principal presented a project that I and (2) assistant principals had worked on. The principal gave me full credit (thanks a lot) and the procedures stepped on some toes. Namely hers. I had been warned about this lady before (by both assistant principals who want her gone)but had never been the object of her spew. Anyway, this person also hinted that someone had been in my e-mail. I don't think there is anything to find, but that fact is such an invasion of privacy and disturbing. Someone has to cover my desk at lunch and I have to have quite a few programs open during the day. I have come back and found their e-mail open and have been careful to stay out and close it. I expected the same consideration. Well that is a lesson!

My day was the usual busy and the next big hit came about 4:45. (Of course, I get off at 4:00.) A student came banging on the office door saying that someone was having a seizure. One of the band directors happened to be leaving and she and I got out at the same time. Here is a 12 year old down on the ground next to a fallen bike at the end of a seizure. I told her to call 911 and ran down to him. He was breathing, I got his backpack off of him and put it under his head and tried to talk to him. He had been riding his bike home, had a seizure on the bike and fell hard hitting his head. I found a rather large abrasion on the side of his head. Anyway, in what seemed like forever but was probably about 10 minutes, I tried to keep him calm and awake. The ambulance got there and started getting his vitals. He seemed confused and slow, but he could tell them where he was and who I was. They were waiting for his parents to get there before transporting him and then he went into another seizure. They scoop him up onto the gurney and run for the ambulance. Just as they are loading him into the back, mom and dad get there. I found out later that he has epilepsy and that is the reason that they moved here. They are from London and weren't getting the treatment he needed so they came here. By this time it was 5:15 and I thought I had better get out of there quickly. Went home and found myself on my neighbor's doorstep going "Got wine?". I tried to call a couple of hospitals to see how he was, but couldn't find him. We have so many close hospitals.

Anyway, I woke up at 3:30 this morning not being able to shake all of this out of my mind. I went to a first aid class just last week but I kept thinking what else was I suppose to do. So I did what anyone would do. Got out of bed and started to google. Actually, I did pretty well. I had him on his side, but he wanted to roll over on his stomach. He wasn't having trouble breathing so I just left him that way and stayed with him. I know that Nurse Cratchett will be interrogating me this morning and will find something that I did that could of killed the kid. Ay-yi-yi.

Last night my husband came home and wanted to know why I hadn't gone to the grocery store. We'll miss that man!

Later.

Something Fun

I do have something fun to tell. Since it premiered, I have been an avid viewer of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I probably need to join a support group for this, but then that is another story. Anyway, when they were casting for the last Bachelorette (DeAnna) I called one of my amazing nephews and told him that he needed to apply. I thought DeAnna was perfect for him. He's smart, really adventurous, a real hottie and so much fun. He flies helicopters for the Army. Anyway, he humored me and checked out their website. He called me back and said that they wanted him to send in a video and he wasn't sure that he wanted to go to that much trouble. Being the loving aunt that I am, I told him to quit thinking of himself and think of me and just send the silly thing in. :) Actually, I thought that was the end of that, but he wrote me the other day and said he was forwarding something that I might be interested in. He had a reply from a producer with The Bachelorette. They wanted him to come to Los Angeles to be interviewed and make a tape. Then be there in late January for casting and filming in March. I was so excited!!! Sadly though, he had to turn it down because the Army is moving him to Germany in December and then on to Afghanistan. Also, he also is currently dating someone and thinks he may have found is own "Bachelorette". So close yet so far away. Oh well, it would have been so fun to have seen him on there, but I'm still really proud of him.

Later.

For the love of sons.

I told you before that my son had been moved again. Getting information out of "the system" takes James Bond sometimes. We finally got a letter from him this past Tuesday. He seemed to have as hard time of writing about it as I am having a hard time typing it right now. Where he is at has a medical/psychiatric facility. He said that on September 29th he slit his wrist. He went on to tell us in a long letter how depressing things were and hopeless. He has no future. Only the present and that is all memories of what he has done and how he has hurt those around him. He talks about the vicious circle of racism in prison, dirty guards, and paranoia. It seems like the demons he carries with him will never let him be. My heart is broken for him. As parents, we are suppose to be able to comfort our children. I know that I cannot "fix" him, but I can't comfort him either. He can't have visitors now and when he is moved, probably won't be able to for awhile either. I pray that he is getting some counseling, but if it is like the medical care we have seen, he will just be told "don't do it again". Please pray for him that he will have the strength to just get through all of this with his sweet heart still intact and not hardened. This will probably even set back his release date to add salt to the wound.

This has been such a busy, busy,tough week at work. I'm glad it was only a 4-day week. I'm not sure that I could of squeezed another day out. It did keep me from thingking about our lives. We've had a series of extended family deaths and illness in the office. The 3 people around me were all out one day and I had to do their jobs plus mine. I also had some meetings and had to beg some help for my desk. It was probably good that others got a taste of it. It was full steam ahead. It was good though that I was too busy to think. I try really hard to put on a smile there and happened to have gotten several compliments last week. If they only knew what I was hiding. There are only a couple of people there that know about my son. They are administrators and I had just told one last week, because I want to be a help with some of the troubled teens. It's not any one's business and I know that I didn't really understand until I had been put into this spot. I don't want to deal with that right now.

Our nurse had to leave suddenly for a personal emergency this week as well. I was so afraid that a serious injury would come in on my watch. I can do the "mama things" like take temps, put on band aids, and tell them they will be fine and go back to class. I have a district first aid class this week to take. It's good just to have although I'm not looking forward to the responsibility that comes with it in the school setting.

Love on you children.

Later.

Ups and Downs

I'm sure by now that everyone with a computer has gotten the forward called "The Dash". This is the one that talks about the dash in between "Date of Birth - Date of Death" and how you use what is in between. Lately, I have been kinda "grooving" on this. I'm sure most people want their dash to be meaningful and with huge portions of love, fun, and happiness. So do I. Right now I feel like my "dash" is looking more like a "~". I just read a blog that a friend linked me to. http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/ I have always considered myself as being a woman of faith, but where do you get that kind of strength? I'm sure she is pulling it up from her toenails right now, but still you have to admire someone like that. It is a story that will change lives.

Hubby is out-of-state at his high school reunion. He sounds like he is having a great time roaming around his old stomping grounds. It was homecoming for his high school and also for his college. Two football games and golf in one weekend....he's a happy camper. He also got to visit his parents' old home. It was a big, wonderful turn-of-the-century home. The next door neighbors had always loved it so they bought it and are now updating. Would love to be there. They had sent us a DVD before of the work in progress and it was beautiful. That home hold great memories. He flies back home early tomorrow in time to go to work. (Sigh.)

This week has been filled with so many ups and downs that my tummy is having a field day. One huge "up" came last night when we got home from my son's football game. (Which he made some amazing plays in, I might add.) We finally picked up our mail last night and in it was an envelope that contained a diploma for my older son. He FINALLY has his GED. This is a huge, life-changing achomplishment for him and he didn't even get a ceremony out of it. Just a piece of paper, that he probably has not even seen, mailed off to his parents. I'm sending him a copy and will celebrate him in all the ways that we can. I'm so very proud of him. For a kid with learning disabilities and everything else he has going on in his life, this was quite a long, hard struggle.

After being excited over that, I felt this overpowering sense that I needed to check the website that shows really basic information about him. From that I learned that he had been moved again. Still farther away. Now he is 5-1/2 hours away by car. I have no idea as to why he was moved or if this is just a stopover to somewhere else. I will not be able to talk to anyone probably until Tuesday as Monday is a holiday and then they are sometimes very vague. We haven't had any letters from him lately so it is really unsettling. I just wonder what is happening. This is such a nightmare. I wish we could all wake up.

Really didn't mean for this to be such a downer of a post. The weather is beautiful here. I have a happy hubby coming home tomorrow. No school tomorrow so I have a date with my son. And I have two beautiful, healthy sons - one here and one away that now has a GED. But he's beautiful and healthy.

Later.

My Little Boy

What a week! What a weekend! My little boy turned 11 yesterday. Where did my baby go? He was just here! He had a (non)sleepover Friday night. (That was really appropriate since I had spent all Friday night 11 years ago awake waiting for him to be born at 4:30 a.m. Saturday.) He had the typical sleepover with lots of fun, giggling, silly story telling, and a nerf dart war in the dark with flashlights. That is his latest passion and I have even been attacked by darts while I have been sitting here writing. I would say he had some fun.

Last night, the birthday boy had a football game and he got to play it in the high school stadium. That was pretty special! A stadium that seats 10,000 with about 200 parents "filling" it. Anyway, it was fun for them with the cool announcer and he got to run out in the middle of the field as captain and call the coin in the air. His best friend and his family came to watch so he had his own cheering section. His team lost by one touchdown, but they had a great time. It's all good.

He came in last week and said "Hey Mom, I have a date to the Halloween dance." WHAT????? He did this once before in the 2nd grade when some smart girl told him that he was her date to the 50's dance/carnival at school. I turned around to see her and her poodle skirt taking him by the hand into the crowd on the dance floor. The next thing I saw was him on stage with her dancing the jitter bug. And me without a camera. Who knew that the music teacher had been teaching them how to do that. But this day I was really a little thrown off. Every year he gets closer to the time of big heartbreaks, embaressing moments and hopefully, in the end, finding his partner in life. And just maybe I will be ready for it.......when he 35. Right now though it is just a reminder of things to come. The hugs and kisses will slow down for a while and the "I hate you" may even come out. I won't be his "best girl" anymore. He has been such a blessing and I just hate to see each stage of it move into the next one. I know this is what is suppose to happen but I really enjoy this kid.

I have been reading the blog of the sis-in-law of a friend of mine. They have been waiting for a baby through adoption. Their sweet son was born last week and they have just brought him home. This has so brought back all of the emotions of that time. You are so happy, grateful, vulnerable, scared, and excited at one time. It is pure adreniline. You cannot believe that you are holding this little one who has already been born in your heart. It is such a dream come true. There is also the little nag in the back of your head that this can't be real and someone will be coming to pick him up. Then there is also the self-doubt that you have to prove yourself fit to parent since this child did not come out of your own body. As if a working uterus somehow gives parenting knowledge. Then there is also the sadness you feel for the birthfamily. Some girl's hormonal heart is breaking. We were lucky enough to have had the opportunity to get to know and love our birthmom. The night we brought our son home, I rocked and cried for her. He was so perfect. I knew she must miss him. I also felt the full responsiblity to do well with this most wonderful gift.

Anyway, I am thankful for my son and I pray for the girl who will someday win his heart. Sometimes you just are blessed. Blessed with a little boy who shoots nerf darts at you because he loves you.

Office Politics and Lost Boys

My bubble is burst. It took a whole month, but I have seen the light. Our office/school is not void of office politics as I once thought it was. I can see where I am being courted by both sides as they are testing the waters to see where I stand. I'm not stupid. This isn't my first rodeo. But I am very happy sitting this one out, thank you very much.

You know men have joked for years about women not being able to get along. They do it as well only we don't seem to enjoy pointing it out nearly as much as they do us. It is such a cliche'. I hate being a cliche'. It's like when they portray Texans we always have cowboy hats and oil wells. I have neither for the record. Or if there is an eye witness to a tornado it's always a toothless person in an undershirt. Sorry, I got off track for a minute.

Anyway, the woman who is "trying to open my eyes" has so much true drama going on in her personal life that I have no idea why she is wasting her time with this junk. Birdie, I don't think this is the "woman who know what is really going on". She's just a busybody. It is just irritating. These are grown professional women. Who needs it!

Back to the real world....I was afraid Friday afternoon that I was witnessing a true nightmare. We were all trying to finish up and call it a day. The doors were locked but I had not turned off my outside cameras yet. A woman was banging on the door saying that her son hadn't come home from school. I let her in and then she went hysterical. He hadn't gotten off of the bus and school had been out for almost an hour. I asked if she had checked with his friends. She said he had no friends. I asked if he was in football, theatre, etc. She said no, nothing except for band. I called the band hall to see if he was there. The director said no and he thought that he had been absent that day. I check attendance and sure enough he had never come to school. The mom and the band director both said that this was a really good kid and this was not like him. Having had a rebellious kid myself, I asked her if they had had a disagreement or anything. First she said no and then she said that his grades were down and they had taken away TV privileges. Anyway, the police were called. His brother had stayed at their house in case he showed up and she kept on the phone with him. They found his backpack and instrument case there. I was really freaking out when the police told her to tell him to check the attic and their shed. You know 13 year old with absolutely no friends and lost privileges.... I was so scared that they would find him there. I asked her if he had a bike and it turned out that the bike was gone. Then they discovered that his horn was missing from the case. To make a long story short, he finally contacted his older brother who was on the way out of town to a high school football game. The woman and the police finally left and I'm left with the thought of a 13 year old friendless boy with a horn under his arm and riding a bicycle away from home. What a lonely picture. I'm sure he will have consequences to pay, but I also hope that someone wakes up to see that he needs help and guidance, too.

I'm going tomorrow to visit my lonely, lost boy......in prison.

Later.

Men and Football

I am really having a hard time feeding this blog. This "work" thing is eating up my time. I can't believe that I have to do it for five days EVERY week. :) The weather is fabulous. I would much rather be outside tooling around and pretending that I had a tractor like Rox....and had the land to warrant it....and knew how to drive it.....maybe I don't want one either. That's beginning to sound like work, too.

Our son's football is taking up a lot of our family time. He has practices twice a week and then games on Saturday. Watching the practice last night gave me lots of things to groove on. I'm watching twelve 10-year olds in full gear being coached by about 6 dads. The kids - they are just excited to put on all of this cool equipment. The dad - this is serious, serious business.

I really think it is so interesting to watch the posturing of men around other men when a sport is the issue. Watch them. They stand there with their manly poses: feet spread apart and their arms crossed like they are Mr. Clean or something. Then there are the serious looks and pulling up the pants. (Some adjusting, but that's a whole other subject.) Put a football in the hand of one of them. All of a sudden they have to pretend that they are throwing passes. You know , they cradle the ball in both hands,the arm goes back with the ball, they have the follow through, they turn and the hand comes down...still with the ball in it. They use this move like a punctuation mark. Either that are they want to look like the young men in the underwear ads of the Sear's catalog. Then there is the part where they all want to coach a little. Somehow every man has some innate theory that they know the RIGHT way to throw, catch, run, etc. If they are so good, why are they not on NFL teams and making extraordinarily big bucks?

The best part is when they play a game with the boys. These men are so excited to prove that they "still have it". Wonder how many of them are soaking a body part the next day.

I have spent almost 11 years with this child teaching him not to hit, push, knock down, steal, or be mean. Now dads are coming behind telling them to do all of these things. They are telling my baby to be an animal and always attack the ball. Knock down everyone out of their way to get to what they want.

Anyway, I just think that men can be really strange characters when it comes to sports. Can't live with.....can't kill them.

Later.

Caring

Well, my husband thinks that I have found the perfect job for me. Actually, I suspect that any job that keeps me out of the house and has a paycheck would be a "perfect job for me" to him. That's another story though.

I was telling him about some of the kids there and how they are getting under my skin and I want to do something to relate to them and try to be an adult friend to them. You do get a bird's eye view of home life on some of these kids. They are getting to be the age that some start trying to go back home after the parents leave because they are upset. They don't realize that school may be their salvation during some of these hard family times. There are so many broken families and the kids are caught in the middle of adults who can't get along. We have one family where the only son has stayed in the family home and the parents take turns living there with him one week at a time. Sounds like a good plan, but the parents fight like cats and dogs. Last year it was so bad that a judge said that he was taking the son away from both of them. One of our counselors stepped in and let him live with her for a time to try to give him a chance at normal. This year they are back to the old plan, but trying to get along or at least being quiet about it. They are both nuts. The boy....he just wants to get away and he is begging for a boarding school.

You have to laugh at some of these kids though. Another girl that tugs at my heart really needs some special services but has not been identified yet by the school district. She has an outside diagnosis as oppositional defiant disorder. Isn't that just another work for teenager? Anyway, she has a habit of being tardy to class. I probably issue her a tardy at least 3-4 times every single day. She has all kinds of detentions, but they haven't seem to get her attention until this week. I finally saw a little reaction in her about it this week. I'm trying to understand her. She was going out the door after getting one more tardy and earning a Saturday detention. She says "This is stupid." I jumped on the chance to communicate with her and told her to come back and asked her why she thought that. She said that Saturday just wasn't good for her. That SHE had a life besides school! I just had to put my head down. There's no arguing with that. She is much too busy to deal with this. Maybe she could pencil us in on another day!

Anyway, hub came up with an interesting concept. When they first said that I would be working with 7th and 8th graders, I thought what have I got myself into. Give me the sweet little elementary types. Not raging hormones. But he said that I am at the perfect school. He reminded me that our son was in middle school when he started going off track. I can relate to some of the parents that come in telling me about their struggles. I see kids that have to be called out of class for a visit with their probation officer. I see kids that are embarrassed about having to go to the nurse every day for the medications. These are the same kids who soon will make the decision that they don't need that med and refuse to come get it. They don't want to be singled out. So the bottom line is, I hope that I am in a spot that maybe I can stop another child for going down that path.

The weather has been gorgeous around here. For all of you Canadian geese type people.....sorry. It is just gorgeous. The sun is shining. It's not too hot. I would love for it to stay this way although we probably wouldn't appreciate it to much. With football games on Saturdays and two practices during the week, I'm getting to be out and enjoy it.

We had dinner last night with three other couples that we have been close friends with for several years. It is really hard to find a night with all eight of us can get together, so this was special. The four women always get together for birthday lunches, etc. It was so fun to be with everyone. We all have a friend that is going through a terrible time and we are afraid that we are going to lose her so it tends to make us all a little more thankful for each other. This gal is very sick with not a lot of hope of getting better. Two years ago, she was a vibrant active mom. I saw her a couple of weeks ago and she looks like a skeleton. My heart breaks for her, her husband and daughter. You never know what tomorrow can bring.

Tell someone you care today.

Later.

MONDAY WITH MR. JERK

After 25 years, I have finally figured out that Monday Night Football may be something to be embraced. Right now my guys are having a great time watching football with friends. I have the house to my self for a little while. This has become an infrequent happening since I started to work and today was a really good time to have a little solitude.

I had heard the rumor that the woman who had my job before me just didn't like doing it. I was surprised at this. She was really good at it, thought well of, seemed really happy, etc. She is still at the school, only in a different position. Today I may have understood.

Don't get me wrong, I do still enjoy my job - except for the getting up early and doing it every day parts - but seriously there are a lot of jerks out there. We have some of the most amazing parents who are there for their children, offer to do whatever to help, and will thank you for the time you put into their children. Then there are the people that think that as a taxpayer, you work directly for them and that gives them the right to treat you badly. Hey, I'm a taxpayer, too. I'm trying to do the best by my own kids and yours, too. Can you tell I had to deal with a huge jerk today? Too much of a jerk to totally go into and it would probably just get me all work up again. At least I work with a really good administration who is very supportive and encouraging.

Anyway, it has been an eventful Monday. I left later to work and arrived right at starting time, instead of the usual 20 minutes early. The first call was from a mom who had just left school and saw a suspicious man in a car in the parking lot. Figured it was just a male teacher :) but gave her the number to an officer since ours was on vacation. Then a football player comes in saying that he had been thrown to the ground by his face mask and now he couldn't move his neck. Did I mention that the nurse was out today? Told him to lie down and I would get him ice and call his parents. He really seemed pretty good except for a stiff neck and he said that he wanted to call home himself. While I am getting ice, a young girl comes in from the tennis courts in tears where she had done a swan dive mainly on her face. She had a big, bloody skinned up chin, and scraped knees and hands. She was really hurting and by the way, it was her birthday. Poor girl! Then we overhear the football player sensationalizing his injuries to his parents. Yikes! What are they going to think? Do I hear lawsuit? We got the principal involved and went through all of the procedures. The dad came in and he was actually pretty good about it. This was all before 9 a.m.

Then I had a call from a mom asking me to get her daughter out of class and have her ready for release. Family emergency. She had just gotten a call from the hospital that her husband was in critical condition and in the ICU. Mom shared with me that he had been sick for awhile and that they now thought it was pancreatic cancer. How do you tell your 13 year old that? This little girl is diabetic so I see her quite a bit checking her blood sugar.

So Mr. Jerk can just go off and yell at someone else. I will always be professional to him, but he will not be getting what he wants when he wants it just because he's loud and obnoxious. Hey, I have a job to do and I'm seeing where I can make a little impact on a kid's life. School is the emotional safe place for many when they don't feel it at home. I'm glad I can be here for them. Especially Mr. Jerk's daughter. She may need someone most of all.

Sure am glad the nurse will be back tomorrow though. Being the gatekeeper is tough enough for me.

Later.

My Mother

Four years ago today, I lost my mother. I got a call about 8:30 in the morning from her nurse that she was passing. There was no way to get to her as she was a little over two hours away and her time was now. All I could do was to sit there with my thoughts. I looked up at the formal gown hanging on my bedroom door. We were all flying out the next morning halfway across the country to attend my step-daughter's big wedding. "Why now?" I selfishly thought. Then the next call came. It was over. She was gone. It had probably only been about 20 minutes. Seems like a pretty short piece of time for such an important event.

Really I had been in the process of losing my mother for about 3-4 years. Parkinson's disease and old age had been slowly taking her away from us. My mother's hands became very, very important to me. When she wasn't making a lot of sense and was losing her ability to communicate, her hands were the only things that seemed familiar. Mother always had beautiful hands. I could look at them and, although they were aging and getting more "life lines", they were still the hands that stroked me as a child and the hands that I had clung to and played with. I knew every finger and they always looked gentle and comforting to me. Even as an adult.

I miss my mother. Sometimes I think I miss her more now than the day she died. We had spent so long on the "business" of losing her (nursing care, many visits, cheerful cards and then memorials to be planned, houses to be emptied and sold, treasures to be divided, people to be remembered, etc.) that the emptiness is pushed back somewhere deep down. At the time, I was really blessed to somehow sense the happiness that my parents were now together in another life. They had a wonderful love story and had been apart for 20 years. I know it sounds crazy, but somewhere inside I could feel their joy. But right now, I feel like a child that misses the comfort and support that she provided. Someone to cry on about my son, her beloved grandson, and all that he is going through and all that he has put us through. Someone else that you can share it all with, holding back nothing and know that they will still love him in the end just like you do. Someone that you don't have to be strong for.

Those days four years ago were hard. Hub and I were torn between many emotions and family obligations. This all happened on a Thursday. He and I drove to my hometown to meet my brother & sister to make arrangements. My sister is the oldest by 13 years, then my brother and then me. I love my sister dearly, but somehow at these times she always has some kind of tantrum, chip on her shoulder or weird meltdown and makes it more of a nightmare. All of us are hurting and trying to be supportive of each other and then deal with her. Hub and I drive home and then he and my older son fly out Friday morning for the wedding. My younger son and I return to my hometown the next day and are there for the visitation on Saturday. The wedding was also on Saturday, September 11 (that's another story) and hub and son took a red-eye flight back to Texas. They arrived Sunday about an hour before the service. Then it was over. We all went back to our respective homes and lived our lives.

How weird are the rituals of lives? We seem to mark events as a way to celebrate them and sometimes as a way to just get through them. Some good, some bad. Births, birthdays, weddings, deaths, funerals and then we start over again.

Life can be strange, but I still miss my Mom.

Later.

Political Trash.....just my opinion.

Why does political news have to get so nasty? Does dragging out personal, private issues and struggles about someone else really make us look any better? It really ticked me off this morning when all the morning shows kept showing pictures of Sarah Palin and her family and highlighting their 17 year old daughter who's pregnant. I know Obama took the high road and said that "family was off limits" but he doesn't even have to say it because the news people have already run away with it. When her Mom was announced and her family introduced, did you notice that girl standing there holding her baby brother? I felt so sorry for her. She so looked like a deer in headlights. I have even heard it rumored that she is actually the mother of her baby brother. Give me a break. (Do they watch Desperate Housewives??) She has enough to worry about without worrying if she is hurting her mother's career. And just what does this say about Sarah Palin? That she's a mother of kids who sometimes make mistakes and have problems to deal with......just like us. That she is supporting her daughter when she needs it the most. It does confirm her abortion views....or I guess maybe her daughter's. I'm just really a little ticked at the media for making her such an issue. I really think that the scrutiny deters really good leaders from getting out there and trying to make a difference. They are protecting their families. Colin Powell once alluded that he would not run for president because he didn't want to put his family through that. Who could blame him.

OK. I'm really not a political junkie, but I will always be an advocate of children and families and this just got under my skin.

On a lighter note, I told you about the football coach that wanted my son to hold back in drills because he wanted him on his team. We got a call from another coach last night. This guy got a better number in the draft and drafted my son before the other coach got to him. They said he wasn't happy. It kind of tickles me. That's what you get when you try to cheat. My son had his first practice tonight and I think he's going to be a really good coach. I liked his attitude. Also, I met some of the other parents that were there and they seemed really nice, too. Bonus points for me. You spend a lot of time at practices and sitting in the stands with these people. Might as well be entertained.

That's all for me tonight, but I do feel better. (Thanks for asking.) :)

Later.

ONE WEEK DOWN AND COUNTING

I made it and I'm pooped. My first week of a working full-time is behind me. The last time I got up at 6:00 every morning, I had a baby to feed. That was 10 years ago. This schedule is going to take some time to get use to. So glad we have a 3-day weekend. I have met so many people this week that my head is swimming with names. I brought home an annual from last year to try to put faces and names together.

The week was good, but not without a little drama. The gal that trained me was great. She was with me on Monday and Tuesday and things were busy yet relatively smooth for the first days of school. On Wednesday, the 4-year-old son of a teacher hit his head on cement at preschool. The dad was totally shaking. He brought him back to school with him where he proceeded to start throwing up. Of course, he had a concussion. He's fine now. We arranged for clean up and a last minute substitute and all was well. On Thursday, we had the drug dogs come through. I don't care how honest and clean you are, they are still intimidating. When they went past my desk, I kept thinking "What if they smell my dog on me and react?" Also, the air conditioning went out in the school. Most of my day was spent writing maintenance orders, fielding the "My room is hot" calls from the teachers, and sweating. Then the icing on the cake was on Friday when the assistant principal brings me a file called "severe weather" and goes over it with me. It was very organized with all the procedures, signs for parents as to where there children were, etc. This was to be my responsibility. Who knew that a little after 3 p.m. that afternoon a storm would blow in and we would have to go into that mode. We got crowded with parents trying to get their kids out before it was declared. When "severe weather" is declared, we move to the library and set up 4 stations with computers to streamline the process of getting almost 800 kids release to their parents. We have to pull up each child's name, see what room they are in and compare the parents ID with what is on their emergency form. We got set up in there and I'm thinking this is a pretty good plan.....wait, all the computers go down. The network for the whole school district crashed. Plan B...the Principal's secretary brings in her accordion files with the hard copy of every child's enrollment sheet and we check it off manually. And they are not alphabetized with the the letter. (They will be next week if I have to do it myself.) It was going to take forever. I was so happy when the weather subsided about 10 minutes later and we could just say GO HOME before it starts again. Everyone kept asking me if I was going to come back next week. We will see........

My 10-year-old had grass drill tryouts for football this week. He is quite the athlete and one of the coaches really wants him on his team. Since this was the look-see for the coaches before drafting, he wrote me and told me to tell Connor to just put in about 75%. I can't do that. I am not going to tell my child not to do his best on anything. He said that he saw the coach at tryouts and he kept telling him to slow down. This guy is a good guy and coach. His team won the Little League Super Bowl last year. Hub really wants our son to be on his team, but I refuse to tell him to cheat. The boys are 10, people. "Teach your children well."

Cell Phones

Well, I did it again. I hate it when I do it. I went back on one of my parenting "I'll never do that" statements. My 10 year old has a cell phone. His friends started showing up with them 2-3 years ago. I thought their parents had to be nuts!!! Then I got a job. My world is slowly turning upside down. Now my little cherub will be walking home (with a friend of course) and letting himself into his home with his own little key. (Insert tears!) I couldn't stand the thought of all that I could imagine so.....down to the phone store I trot and come back with an orange cell phone. I've joined the other side. Aaaaghhh!

At least I am a hero to a little boy. Never saw him this excited over anything. He has photographed everything and everyone. Although Hub and I got the same phone a couple of months ago, he has found features on it I could only dream of. I have no clue how to get to them. He also has become a textaholic. It takes me way to long to text a message. Must simpler to just call. Also, the calls are free between us, the house and anyone on this service. But he likes to text. I will let him have a little fun with it and if it keeps up too much, we will have to burst his bubble. I heard a teen say the other day that the last month he had 2000 text messages and their plan called for like $0.40 each over 300. Can't believe that boy is still breathing!!!

After spending most of the past 15 years just enjoying (?) adventures in parenting, I will start my new job on Monday. I went by the school after a meeting on Friday just to hang out a bit and get my bearings. I was so welcomed. Seems like a really nice staff. I have always dreaded the first week of a job when there is much to learn, new faces and you come home totally mentally and physically exhausted each day. I went to the grocery store and stocked up on frozen entrees this week. I know it will either be that or eating out way too much.

Say a little prayer for the school kids and "school people" this week. Remember the school zones!

Later.

FAMILY???

What's the deal with family? Does anyone else have family members that are so self-absorbed that they can't/won't be there for family needs? They sure seem to have time for friends and acquaintances that don't mean anything in the big picture, but not for the ones that use to share the family dinner table or the ones they creeped down the stairs with to see if Santa had been there. I know that I have dealt with this before, but Hub has got me all wound up again.

I wrote earlier about bro-in-law disclosing that he was struggling with alcoholism. Hub called his sister last night to check on her and see if she had talked to him. NO. He said you really ought to call him. We-e-e-e-l-l-l she said that wouldn't know what to say. Boo-hoo! How hard is "I love you, Brother"? Why should I be surprised? Both of his sisters have been a non-show when it has come to the struggles we have dealt with during the last couple of years. We have been in tears and destroyed because our son is locked up and they can't even ask how about him. The subject is always the little class they are teaching, or re-decorating the new house or how well their kids have done in sports. In looking for an excuse for them (yeah, I don't know why I do that), I had decided that maybe we were too sensitive or too wrapped up in our own stories. Guess not if they can't respond to the other brother either.

So just a reminder. Take care of others, but take care of family first. No matter how busy we get or how far we are physically from each other, there is something about the comfort that only they can bring to the table. Just an "I care". You can't fix the problems, but just a little interest. The "talking it out part" can still be with the friends that we chosen as our confidant, soul mate, BFF, etc. Personally, I just want to know that the family cares, too.

Later.

Life goes on.....

Relationships can be so tricky. I feel pulled so many ways this weekend. I received an e-mail from by brother-in-law yesterday telling us that he has been dealing with alcoholism for the past 30 years and has decided to take control back of his life. I feel so badly that we had no clue he was struggling with this. He is a wonderful, loving man and although he lives halfway across the US from us, I have always felt very close to him and his partner. I am so proud of him for taking up this fight. It will be amazingly hard and now he is looking for acceptance from his family. I hope he gets it from everyone. After going through what we have with our son, we realize firsthand that family relationships - that we tend to take for granted for support - can quickly let you down. Many times we have found friendships to be more supportive. You never know until you need it.

And then sometimes not. Tonight I'm feeling a little (or a lot) let down from some close friends. At some point we have all gone some of those "extra friendship miles" to do a big favor for a friend. You don't do it for the gratitude. You do it because they really need it, want it, deserve it, etc. and because you want to because they are your friend. At the same time, it doesn't feel very good to bust your butt for someone and then feel totally screwed over for it. It is time to put on my "big girl panties" and go on, but right now I'm just a little pissed.

Now that's out (kind of), on with good stuff. I was offered a job with the school district the past week. It is going to be hard going back to work, but after hub's job shifts, it will be a blessing. I'm just nervous.

We also had some neighbors come by this weekend. They are a very young couple who look to us like parents. YIKES! They married shortly after they bought the house across the street about 3 years ago. We went to their wedding and have been with them and counseled them through some hard adjustments to a new marriage. On more than one occasion, it looked pretty doubtful. Anyway, they came by to tell us they were pregnant. And it gets better.......twins! Pretty exciting news!!

Anyway, life goes on. It can get pretty complicated but never totally dull. Sometimes the range of emotions flow through quickly. Hard to take it all in. What is it they say? Better than the alternative........

Later.

SENILITY IS SETTING IN!

I'm really losing ground in "bloggerville". I seem to have a hard time settling down to write. Then when I do, I start reading other blogs and you guys are so smart, interesting and witty (Rox) and then I feel I have nothing to say. How narcissistic!

Do you ever find yourself talking to a blog in your head instead of writing it down? I sometimes have whole conversations with you. Shame no one hears it. Or maybe not. (I feel that I have just admitted that senility is kicking in!)

We went to prison today to see our son. He was quite funny telling his little brother about things he once did to his teachers. Some we knew of....some we didn't. Yikes! I may need to sit down and write letters of apology. My oldest nephew is only 5 years younger than me. I love to listen when he and his brothers are reminiscing with my sister and admitting to things that they did that she never knew of. She would love to see me squirm now.

My sister's husband died one year ago this past Friday. They would have been married 48 years next week. Life's not fair.

I called the parole board this week to see if there was anything new. I haven't called since he was turned down in late May. The website show maybe January so I left it as that. The lady said that his file is in review and was pulled June 13th! Although last time it took about 6 months for them to act on it, she said that it would probably be looked at in a couple of weeks. Don't know if she knows what she's talking about. We had all kinds of time lines before. Anyway, we didn't tell him. We were all so very disappointed before and we are finding out that "the system" doesn't always work rationally. What's that saying......"hope for everything but expect nothing"? It's hard enough for him there without repeating this kind of disappointment.

Our son told us that they have been on "lockdown" since Wednesday. They have to stay in their cells and are brought bag lunches instead of going to lunchroom. Peanut butter sandwiches three times a day!!! He was so hungry for the vending machine snacks that we are allowed to buy him during visitation. I'm sure he had a tummy ache afterwards. He says that they do these lockdown for about a week every 6 months so that every corner and every cell is checked over.

On the way home, Hub brought up the fact that he will likely have some post traumatic stress symptoms when he comes back. He said that it is so hot that he takes off his mat and puts a sheet on the steel bed to sleep. He will have to get use to a mattress again and said not to be surprised if he sleeps on the floor some. Both of my sons love milk. He hasn't had anything but powdered milk in a very long time. It is so unsettling when we mention something that he has no clue what it is now. His brother was trying to tell him about playing Guitar Hero video game. Never heard of it. His dad had on an "under armour shirt" today. He asked about it but didn't know what he was talking about. These are just little things but can you imagine how strange it will be getting use to the world. Even air conditioning and decent, healthy food. So-o-o-o many changes.

I have a job interview tomorrow. May be just a courtesy interview but who knows. It's for a school aide and my principal friend mentioned to her principal friend that I was looking so her assistant called. Anyway, I haven't been on an interview in so long. I have bugged Hub to death with THE question.....WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR????? I also informed him that should I get this job, there would be clothes to be bought. Not a good time to do this as we haven't had a check in a while. Anyway, send up a little prayer.

Looks like I did find something to fill a few lines. Nothing smart of witty but sometimes that just the way life rolls.

Later.

Mama Mia

I'm off my soapbox now. It is safe to come out.

I just got back from seeing "Mama Mia". How fun was that? I may have to buy the CD when it comes out. I think that movie could cheer up anyone. Love Meryl Streep. I want to be her friend. She always seems so real and fun.

Hub will actually start his new job on Monday now. He is actually on the payroll as of tomorrow. I wish he could just go in to fill out his insurance papers. This is the last day of old insurance and new one is suppose to start tomorrow, but we haven't filled out any forms yet. What is something big happened this weekend? They would probably say that they don't even know us. I guess we had better be really careful.

Hub and son are at a Texas Rangers ballgame with friend of son and his dad. He loves going and it is better than him being here and yelling at the TV. I actually like baseball; especially when I have a son on the team. But Hub is obsessed. When a ballgame is on, we can't go out to dinner to any restaurant that doesn't have a TV in sight. (Yes, we are classy people!) Anyway, I have the house to myself for 2-3 hours more and that's a rare thing these days. I need to go enjoy it.

Later.

I've got to rant!!!!

Well, I guess I am a big girl now because I'm going to have my first online rant. Hope this passes a little awareness on to someone out there.....as well as getting it out of my system.

Today I got a forward from a cousin of mine in another state. I love to get mail from her as she seems to get all of the best stuff and she really is so funny herself. She was a teenager when I was born so this is a way to stay connected. But boy did she send the wrong thing to the wrong person. Understand that I'm not mad at her in the least. She would never want to hurt any one's feelings; certainly not mine.

My cousin sent me a forward that was a series of pictures of a new correctional facility in Chicago. The pictures were of a beautiful shiny, glass building, gorgeous landscaping, clean tasteful booths with leather seating, fully decked out weight rooms, etc. There were small white bedrooms with one bed (LINENS!!!) several shelves in it and of course a TV on the wall. The door looked out to sunshine and green grass. It is followed by a series of comparisons of prisoners to working people and why should we work if we could have it so good. People...this may be a place where Martha Stewart, Paris Hilton and other celebrities may spend their time, but this is not the way it is and it irritates me to no end that most people will accept this as fact because who knows any differently.

I'm so sorry that I have seen the other side and I feel I have to share it. My 20 year old son is in prison right now for a case of stupidity. This has changed me, my husband and our 10 year old forever. FOREVER!!! This will always haunt us and even so much more so, my son.

If only all the facilities looked like this one. They can really be a hole. And although you do have 3 meals fixed for you a day, they wake you at 3:45 for breakfast and supper is at 4:30. It may be a peanut butter sandwich and a piece of fruit if you are lucky. The meals are based on the minimum amount of calories acceptable to society and they don't care how you get it. The food you get is cold and you will probably be hungry between meals. Even the guards say the food is not good.

The bedding consists of rubber mattress filled with sand. No pillow. The cell may not be a single, but one big bunk room with 50-60 people sleeping in it. Think of the snoring. Of course, you may not sleep well anyway as you always have to be on your guard. The guards may not help you. Your private toilet may just be a long line of potties close together. No partitions and several men going at the same time. No privacy or pride allowed. If you are in a cell with 1, 3 or 7 other men, then you may get one toilet for the cell, but it will be located less than a foot from your bed. Also the only sink that you have access to is about the size of one on an airplane lav. This is where you brush your teeth, wash you face and use the water to fix a package of Romain noodles if you were allowed to go to the commissary and have the money to buy them. The sink it is located right above the toilet and probably even attached. Pretty appetizing. The grounds coming in are usually very nice with neat flower beds, maybe even a water feature, etc. Always wonder who they are trying to impress.

The family visits at best will be one visit once a week for 2 hours. But they can be once a week for 30 minutes and then through a telephone in a nasty little booth or a glass with a hole in it similar to a movie ticket office. You can't hear anything unless you stand up and put your mouth and then your ear to it. Of course, once you have a line of people on one side of the glass yelling conversation and one on the other side yelling back, no one can hear. The only thing you get is to actually see your loved one and pray that there are no bruises, cuts, etc. It will break your heart seeing little children go see their dads and that is all they get. We have seen daddies cry while holding newborn babies for the first time. We've seen elderly women go to see their almost elderly sons and wonder how long they have visited their child this way. Yet we still go. We all still go.....

These men have all made choices that have got them here. For some, this is the only way they will ever learn and like my son, it probably saved his life. Any longer on his on and he surely would have overdosed. At the same time, we have seen first hand that justice can be handed out in unequal amounts. The men are stripped down until they don't feel like human beings, but more like a dog just picked up from the dogcatcher. At least the humane society protects the dogs. How can they live like that and then set them free and wonder why they don't have any pride, confidence and sometimes morals. A lot end up back there because they feel that is all they deserve.

I have no answers. Our system is supposedly the best in the world and I don't doubt it. But somewhere we are getting off track and not helping our problem or remembering that we are all God's children.

It is just one of those things that I have to get on my soapbox about. I know that it is prison and not the Waldorf. It shouldn't be so pleasant that people are beating the doors down to get in. But haven't we come far enough not to go to the other extreme? Where is the "rehabilitation"? Did you know that there are long lists of inmates waiting for a chance to learn something to better themselves. Only a few make it. There was even a long list to be part of a Bible Study. My son couldn't get into it even though it was being led and supported by his own church. It irritates me that most people do not realize that the pictures are not norm and who knows may even be staged. I'm sure I would accept this as truth if we weren't living this nightmare. You never know until you've been there.

If someone happens to forward these pictures to you, please remember what I have written. And if you are reading this, would you let me know that, too. I would like to think that maybe this mother can make a small difference in compassion.

Later.

What the hoopla?

Who knew that there was such a little Peyton Place going on in the blogs? It really can take the wind out of your sails. I would say that I haven't been personally affected by all the back and forth, but really I have. I'm curious enough to link back to see what all of the hoopla is about. I have never read most of the parties involved, but I hate to see what I feel is a great outlet, past-time, therapy session, etc. also cause so much pain. It is like a cancer that feeds on the bad feelings and just gets out of hand.

When you blog you are connecting with a stranger on a (somewhat) intellectual level. You're sharing thoughts, wishes, regrets, hurts, smiles, knowledge etc. You're not getting the person; you are just getting a peek inside their head of what they choose to let you see. I am so all about truth and honesty. That is not my point. I guess my point is that this is what happens sometimes and it is a chance that we are all choosing to take when we sign on. Sometimes you just bet on the wrong horse.

I know that I must sound like a cold-hearted soul. For the record, I'm anything but. I do consider you my friends and look forward to checking out and reading what you're grooving on, about your children and their struggles and successes, about all the different takes on life. About everyone's "foolishness and nonsense". Let's me know that maybe I am sane. (sort of) Anyway....those are my thoughts.

Now if anyone still cares.....Hub starts the new job on Friday. YEA!!!! He still is getting calls and will keep his options opens, but for now he has something going on beside painting everything in our home that will be sit still long enough. I must say it has been good getting some extra projects completed. He will probably be working some long and crazy hours for a while. Please remind me that at least now he has a job when I am complaining about him being gone.

Been a busy weekend. We had friends over for dinner tonight. We really hadn't felt like doing much entertaining in a while, so it felt good. I fixed a barbecued brisket which I must say came out pretty well. Don't you love it when that happens!

It is hot, hot, HOT here. Tomorrow we are going to take advantage of a half price offer at a water park. We told our 10 year old he could take a friend. That way Mom & Dad can float down the lazy river, etc and watch them come down the big slides and not have to go down every one of them ourselves. Sounds like a plan to me anyway.

We made the long trip to visit our son in prison on Saturday. (I will NEVER get use to saying those words.) He looked better than before. The food at this place is better and seemingly a little more generous so that makes a big difference. Sometimes I think he worries as much about us as we do about him. This is such a nightmare. I just wish we would wake up, yet I know that he has made decisions that he will pay for his whole life. He said Saturday that there are countries that he will never be able to visit now because they will not let him in. I had never thought about that before. It is going to be hard for him to get jobs. Most major companies will not hire him now that he has "a record". He will always have to work a little harder to prove himself worthy. As his mother, it makes me so sad. Not exactly the dreams I had for him as I rocked my sweet little boy. But I still think he will be a good man.

Later.

Bad Examples

Well, last night's blog just goes to show you what a good margarita can do for you. Obviously, it makes me totally stupid and painfully boring.

Last night we took a little much needed family time and took our 10 year old out to teach him a bad lesson. We didn't intentionally go out to teach him this but none the less, that is what we did. We wanted to go to a movie and considering the finances these days, chose to go to the "between 4-6 pm cheap time" showing. Friday was a really busy day (the game room FINALLY was painted red) and Hub and I were churning out chores to the last minute. We were late to the movie, missed the previews and probably 5-10 minutes of the movie. We went to see "Hancock" with Wil Smith which by the way gets a thumbs up from our family. We were leaving and Hub says "It seems like we weren't even in there very long." We weren't, Goober, we were late. Anyway, I blame it totally on him, but he says "Let's go see another movie." Not that he meant going out and buying another ticket. You know what he meant and hence the bad lesson for Jr. I was really rather taken back by his proposition and the mother sensor was weighing hard on me. We are walking down the hall and Batman of course is sold out. We would surely get caught in there. At the end there was a movie just starting. "Space Chimps"! I guess we had it coming that the movie that we could slip into and not get caught was the lame one. Anyway, I guess everyone sneaks into movies at one time or another and I guess he might as well do it with his parents. If we get caught, who are they going to call? Our parents? Good luck with that one!

Now for the good news and the bad news. Hub was told on Friday that one of the companies will be making him an offer on Monday. Yea!!! It is not one of the ones that he was really hoping for, yet is is a good major company and he really likes the guy that would be his boss. It could lead up to bigger and better, but for right now he will be working his butt off and he was already told that they cannot come up to the financials that we are used to. We don't know what the offer will be, but it sounds like Mommy needs a job. He still has some other things that are still working and he is going to see if they go anywhere, but right now at least he will be working. Just when I get use to having him around..... :)

Later.

P.S. No one even commented about how cute my furbabies are!!! :(

PETS - GOTTA LOVE 'EM

Well Here I go sharing a little more of my life now. These are two of the many bosses that I have around my house. Sometimes they are the easiest to please and live with; sometimes not. Our cat, Sassy, always makes me think she knows something I don't. She has had a really good life at our house for the last 13 years. Still doesn't come to anyone when you call her and then only if she wants to. She can and will make a dog several times her size stop dead in their tracks. She does like to sit in the lap of whoever is in a particular chair in my house and then she makes herself quite comfortable. Her wishes are made known very clearly with a whine, hiss or a flick of a tail. She wasn't named Sassy for nothing. Sleeping probably 20 hours a day is her job and she takes it seriously. Yep, I think I could be a cat.

Then there is Brighton. Brighton was suppose to be my dog. I'm the one who decided I wanted a shih tzu, looked for breeders, picked him out, wrote the check, and then my husband has taken him over. He even calls him something else. (I think that is just plain rude!!!!) I have always said that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, that I want to come back as my husband's dog. He does make sure that Brighton has a sweet life. This dog gets more love and attention than anyone. He talks baby-talk to him. Can you imagine? Anyway, all this dog does for the good of the nation is bring in the newspaper. Other than that and looking cute, his only other claim to fame is licking. Which he can be a pest with.

Which brings me on to my point -- I did have one -- why do we put so much time, love and attention into pets that could be directed at two-legged members of our family? I'm there with the best of them. I've always had pets and always will. But somehow this came to my mind today. Much of my day was spent doing something as a direct result of animals that we choose to love. I spent much of my morning coaxing a bird down to my shoulder from a high ledge where he had flown to escape my son and his friend. Then of course I feel the need to settle it by talking and whistling, giving it a little shower etc. Then Brighton had an accident on the stairs because we were too busy to notice that he needed to go outside until his eyes turned yellow. So when spray and paper towels didn't do the job, out came the steam cleaner and once you get it ready to do a step you might as well do the whole staircase, and then you might as well do the den, etc, etc. At least my carpets downstairs are clean. These were just a couple of unplanned time-consumers not counting the daily brushings, eye drops,feedings, pooper scooping the yard, letting the dogs out, letting the dogs out, letting the dogs out. It just seems with all that goes on in life that pets sometimes get more than their fair share. Why do we feel such a strong need to take care of these furbabies and a longing for their love?

Anyway, that is just one more pointless thing to ponder from my feeble brain. For a smile though, watch this clip we found on "you-tube" today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-hT018rpBs&feature=related<

Nuff said.

Later

Grownup stuff.....

I'm still here!!!! Just sweating with the oldies! Oops, that oldie would be me. I really enjoy Texas. I was born here. I couldn't wait to get back every time we moved out of state. It's my home. But dang it is hot in the summer! It saps just about everything I have right out. We really need a pool!

Today I played the part of a grown-up. I had jury duty. I actually went Friday to the "cattle call" and then was asked to come back to serve in a court this morning. Luckily, one out of the 45 jurors was late and that gave our case time to reach an agreement in the courtroom without us. The judge told us that the first trial we were suppose to hear settled late Friday. According to the judge, it was a really complicated case with way to many attorneys. He said that we would have been hearing evidence for a week. So glad they worked that one out. I probably would have been released anyway because of my son's situation. I'm sure I'm a little prejudice these days. I haven't had to go appear forever since I always had a young child at home. Now that my youngest is 10, there goes my excuse. I really think it is a pretty interesting process and like my husband said, "the best people-watching you are going to find". I always find that interesting.

Hub has painted just about everything around here that will stand still long enough. I've even taught him some faux techniques. Still no red gameroom though. I think he is really a little panicked that he will run out of projects and have absolutely nothing to do. (Like that will happen!) I really, really want to change the color in the formal dining room, but I can't convince him into do-overs. We painted it green a few years ago. At the last minute, he talked me into going one color lighter on the color chart. I have never been happy with it. Like I said, no do-overs. So when we had professional painters over here painting the house, I had them paint the ceiling red. The red looks really good with the heavy white crown molding. I still don't like the green. I want to paint the walls a camel color. One of these days I will want it badly enough to take down the window treatments and empty our the china hutch, etc. and paint it myself.

Nothing yet on the job front. Didn't hear Friday or today from the job that he wanted the most. He does have an interview tomorrow (OK job) and some others that will be getting back with him later this week for second interviews. Please send up some really simple and straight to the point prayers. We need a job!

Later.

Boys and stuff.....

I haven't been very inspired about writing lately. I don't know how you guys keep making the daily "stuff" you do really interesting to read about. You know how it is more interesting to help a friend bring in their groceries than it is to bring in your own?

Anyway, I just have the foreboding feeling that change is soon. Just enough to keep me uneasy. Hub seems to be close to a job. YEA!!! In fact, he ended up with 4 phone interviews today and each of the companies want to go forward with him. Where were they 3 months ago? One told him that he had 120 people apply for the position and he had narrowed it down to 7 including Hub. One company has already had him go to a lab and do drug testing. That job sounds almost too good to be true, but it would require quite a bit of travel. Actually after being together so much for the last few months, that may not be a bad thing. :0 I just feel the need to know what happens next.

I made a trip to the home improvement store today and bought red paint. (Hub rightfully gets nervous when I go there.) We need to re-do the gameroom before Hub does get a job and leaves me with all of these bookshelves to move by myself. (Yes Roxanne, I'm a wimp, but a smart one!) We are also going to use the same color, different texture, to redo an old bed from my in-laws for my son. It's a neat 4 poster twin that Hub was going to refinish for him. He got it stripped and found out that it was dark, dark wood and the rest of the furniture in there is medium. So we decided to paint it red and then do some antiquing on top of that with black. I bet my in-laws are sitting up in their graves at the thought of us painting and not staining. Just seems like the thing to do.

We made the trip to see our son in prison this weekend. It is an all day affair now that he has been moved. He was surprised, but it really left us sad. He was mouthing off like he had not learned a thing while he has been there. There is such a fine line between doing what you need to do to survive and not being changed and merging into your environment. This place had several different rules for visits and it seemed like the whole time we were there that we were told that we were doing something against the rules. They say that the rules are all the same, but they are not interpreted and enforced the same. Really confusing. We even had to leave and go buy me a t-shirt to put on. I had on capri pants with a nice sleeveless, high necked top. According to them, my top constituted a tank top because there were no sleeves. A tank top??? This was actually the top to a fairly dressy set. Anyway, now we know.

It seems like my 10 year old has discovered girls. Out of the blue (to us), he was sneaking around yesterday calling a girl from his class. One time they talked for 45 minutes which is forever for him. He didn't want to admit it at first. He said he was calling one of his friends and got her number by mistake. Right! He has been so cute. She invited him over today and he went swimming at her house. It was strange to me though because in the first grade, he crazy about her twin sister. (Yes, Chrissa.) Anyway, I have Hub under a death threat if he teases him. Boys are so funny and can be so awkward. I'm sure this is the first - or maybe second - of many crushes. Lord help us!

Later.

BOZO IS GONE....

For two people with no jobs, we sure do seem to stay busy. We started the day with a 7AM orthodontist appointment. My son had a tooth that refused to come down so that they could attach it to his braces. This morning, the doc lasered a slit in his gum and pulled the tooth down some. Ouch! The bracket has tension and should bring it down the rest of the way. He was so brave. (Better than Mom and Dad.) Could not have been more cooperative. We had to do the Tylenol/Motrin thing, but he only had it this morning and asked for it again tonight.

Our calendar is really full this month with doctor, dental and eye appointments. There is something about our insurance running out soon that makes all of those dreaded little appointments a real priority. We have lucked into some appointment cancellations so that is good.

Hub has had some job activity today. YEA!!! He had a phone interview this morning and face interview this afternoon. He has another phone interview and face interview scheduled for next week. Another company left a message for him that they want to talk with him, too. None of these are second interview, but we can hope that they turn into that. The interview for Monday sounds like a fabulous company. After researching them on the internet, I told Hub that if he didn't go to work for them, that I want to. Pray really hard for next week.

I looked at the news on my homepage tonight and it said that Bozo the Clown died. He was 83. It just seems so sad. Does anyone out there know who I am talking about? None of you may even know who he was, but I kind of think he represented laughter and innocence. I wish that they had let that sweet man go in peace, under his own name, and never told anyone that he was a real, live man in a clown suit and red wig. Anyway....thanks for all the smiles Bozo.

Later.

Endings, beginning and neighbors....

The love story that I tried to tell you about in my last blog has come not to an end, but to a new place. Jane passed away on Friday. Britt posted about an hour later that she was dancing with the angels. He has still posted a couple of times. I guess it is his own blog where he finds a little solace. Guess we can understand. Anyway, there is a lot to learn from their beautiful story. Her funeral is tomorrow. Keep him and the twins in your prayers. I'm sure the boys are scared to death that they are going to lose their dad to cancer as well.

As expected, my son was moved this week to another prison. He is now 3-1/2 hours away versus 1-1/4. Visits will be less and have to be more planned out. We have already had a letter from him. Along with asking us to send more books and some cash for his account (big surprise), he did write a beautiful letter. I'm really proud how he takes accountability for all of this and never ceases to tell us he is sorry. His letters have a lot of maturity in them for the most part. I'm sure if things had been different, I would never had so many letters from him in my life nor would I have written him so many. I guess that is the tarnished silver lining.

Saturday morning, I went to a baby shower for my nephew and his wife. This will be their second little boy. It was a really nice shower. The hostess did an amazing job. My sister came in town for it, so I got to visit with her. It was all good. She got the funniest gift though. This lady had brought her three gift bags from a boutique and each gift had something cute, useful and handmade. The third one was a set of ......Are you sitting down?...... Wee-Wee Tee-Pees!!!! There were four little cones in a bag, each about 1-1/2 inches tall. The fabric was a rock 'n roll theme with guitars and sculls and they were lined with terry cloth. For those who have only raised girls, they are to cover the little boy "wee-wees" while you change a diaper. Definitely is a good thought although a little impractical. (Who hasn't been christened by their little boy?) It was quite a fun gift though. Someone is making some big bucks sewing about 3 inches of fabric.

Saturday night we went to a going away party for our next door neighbors. It was all a bit awkward since (1) they were throwing the party for themselves;(2) there's the part about no one really thinks they are really moving anyway; and and my personal favorite (3)the house isn't sold, nor does it even have a for sale sign up. He moved to Utah 8 months ago and the family still hasn't gone up there. He seems to have a job interview here every time he comes in for a visit. We all went to the party although we collectively decided it was a waste to bring a gift. My sister suggested that we buy them moving boxes. (She has a mean streak, that one.) Hee-hee.

Well, tomorrow starts another week of job searching. Hope this is the week that something amazing opens up. I need to get us all in for doc appointments and scripts filled as insurance will be gone in a month.

Have a great week everyone!

Later.

A TWO-HANKY LOVE STORY

I have to tell you about the most amazing love story. No...it's not mine. It's about a couple who lived in Kansas City and went to the same church that we did. I can't say that I really knew them well. We did some things together as part of a big group but that was it. Britt was a big hunk of a sweet man that seem to be a guy that every one wanted to be around. He was married to tall, beautiful Jane and they happily had twins. (I'm trying to guess but I think the twinS would now be 12-14.) Well, they seemed to have it all as perfect families went. And they always were busy in the church work with the kids, teaching classes, all that good stuff. They were doing "life" right.

A few years ago, Britt was diagnosed with colon cancer. He put up a serious fight and after many, many months (and all the good stuff that comes with chemo and radiation), prayers were answered and he started feeling better.

In less that a year, Jane started not to feel well. After many tests back and forth she to got that dreaded diagnosis. She had a tumor in her lung. She started her treatment,really had trouble tolerating it, and had to be hospitalized several times.

Then this past April, Britt went for his 3 month check-up and they found that the cancer had metastasised to his lungs. So now they both are on chemo. Remember they still have young twin boys to raise.

Jane has declined really fast and was sent to a hospice unit about 10 days ago. Britt is lovingly by her side as she still seems like she has things to do. She thanks everyone who come in to help and shows them her love. She always asks who is behind her in the bed. Must be the angels. I've heard that said other times toward the end.

But Jane was very healthy and her body is hanging on. Britt has been keeping a internet journal to let everyone know what is happening that day. It is the most beautiful loving story about sharing her to the end and the amazing things that are coming from this. Their faith is so very strong. Britt writes this so very beautifully. My heart breaks for him. What a treasure this will be for the boys later.

Anyway, this journal has really touched me in such quite a profound way. I zoom to it each day and wonder if this will be the day that Jane goes to be with the Lord. We have been so very depressed over here with everything and his words do make me look back at more important things and helps me get past myself and our troubles.

Here's the link. More beautiful words were never written about a wife.
http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/viewJournal.do?method=executeInit


Later.

ME TIME

You guys are going to be so jealous!! Hub and son left today for a little camping trip. They were so excited. If you are asking why I didn't go....then you don't know me very well. The place they are going (Turner Falls) is beautiful and I enjoy going....for the day. But I have absolutely no desire to sleep on the ground in a tent. I get no thrill out of cooking over an open fire. And then there is the peeing at night thing....... Doesn't work so well for those of us with a uterus.

Anyway, my guys can use a little bonding time and I get the house to myself for a couple of nights. Do you know how good that is to me???? I love my precious husband but I have been with him almost continuously since the 1st of April. I was so happy earlier just picking up some things around the house and knowing that I wouldn't be picking the same thing up again in an hour. I may move all my kitchen cabinets around. Re-do my closet. I can eat when and what I want to. (We have been so out of sync around here lately.) Woo-hoo!!!

Hub sent me a phone pic a while ago. It was the tent set up right by the lake. I sent him one back.....looking down at my feet propped up on an ottoman.

No job for Hub yet. I really don't want to go to work more than my little "mental health" job. It suits me just fine. But it looks like I may have to become a money producer, too. It just sounds complicated with a child these days. I did it before (just like everyone I know has) but I guess I am older and more spoiled now. Way too many things going on at one time.

Hub does have an interview at 8 AM on Monday. Say a prayer. We really had high hopes on the one last week. It sounded like such a good match and we were excited about it, but he called to check back and was told that he was a good candidate, but they had so many apply and there was someone else that was a good match and cheaper. That's what he gets for having a lot of experience and working his way up.

I know something is going to work soon. I need to have faith. He is getting a few calls and about 1 actual interview a week. Oh, and I found a posting for a District Manager for an upscale jewelry firm. My dream job for him. I couldn't send in his resume in any quicker. :)

Well, I need to get back to enjoying my "me" time. Hub said that they won't be back until Sunday. Wouldn't be surprised if they don't last that long though. In the mean time........I may have ice cream for dinner. Just because I can.

Later.