I guess you can tell that I'm working myself up for Christmas. The spirit is getting there, but the body isn't actually following yet. Translation: I've watched Christmas movies all day and ordered a few things online. Other than that I have been a slug all day.
Really I'm not sure that I'm quite through with Thanksgiving. I have thought long and hard about this holiday. I reminded myself many times and truly was thankful for the fact that I still have TWO sons. That fact could of easily changed this year. One is with me and the other is with me in my dreams. I planned what I would wear Thursday so that my outfit would match a necklace that my son made me while he was in rehab. I just wanted something of him close. It broke while I was putting it on with beads rolling all over my sister's bathroom. Guess that "things" don't quite measure up. I kept thinking all day how he was probably imagining all that we were doing. Knowing that family traditions he loved were going on without him. Remembering the circle of family holding hands with heads bowed in thanks. The dinner plates piled too high with good food. Football on the TV. The newest little baby being passed around. Most special to him....the family football game with his dad, brother, uncles and cousins. Family tradition. Somehow I felt a little cheated for him and for me, too.
Then we drove back home and of course I check what is going on with my cyber friends. There was Birdie who has walked her own rocky path with her son giving thanks that it was him and not someone else that fought this fight. Someone else may not have had the support and strength that her son has been blessed with. He has come out stronger and someone else might not have. Her marriage has been tested and proven strong by this reality. I know that we too have been so blessed by a son that is alive to dream of family traditions, by a marriage that sustains us, and the love of an extended family that doesn't truly understand, but tries to. But thankful that this is the walk that is our life? I'm not. The pain is still too raw. I keep a lot of it to myself because Hub is so easily stirred up about the whole situation and that's a whole other painful scenario that I rather not deal with.
So for now, I will just press on to the next holiday. Maybe next year I can reach the level of thankfulness that I wish I could this year. I'm not there yet. Thanks, Birdie for leading the way.
3 comments:
Big Hugs to you. I know the holidays are hard on you...keep fighting the good fight and stay positive. But also, let it out here where it's safe to do so.
You are an inspiration! Every time I see you you are smiling and I have never heard you complain about the hardships your family has been through. Hopefully God will take this situation and turn it into a positive thing for your family. I can't tell you how much your son has been on my mind this week. Please tell him that there are people he doesn't even know who pray for him and wish the best for him and for y'all! (My guess is that he already knows it.) Anyway, know that you inspire us all!! :)
I know your heart aches for your son. Mine does too, as I see my boy pay the price for his earlier mistakes. We are not out of the woods yet. But I do not know the pain of seeing my son only on visiting hours. I don't know the guilt of being free to experience the family traditions while he can only dream of it. Sweetheart, just give him your love. Everything else can wait.
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