After a really tough weekend, things seem to be settling just a little. We were really blessed to find out about a 5-week workshop at a local church that was exactly what son #1 needed. He was a little hesitant in the beginning, but we offered him $50 spending money for each week he goes. It is dealing with setting personal goals, accountability, resume writing, interview techniques, BUDGETING, personal presentation, obtaining job training, etc. They have had speakers come in and also took a field trip to a food distributor and met with their HR department in their conference room. It's really a wonderful program. He seems to be feeling so much better about himself. It is helping me, too. The break between 9 and 3 every day while he is gone has been good. A well spent $50.
I have to share a smile with you though. He came in here the other day when I was on my computer.
Son: "Mom, would you look up something for me when you get a chance?"
Me: "Sure. What do you need?"
Son: "I need you to look up where a sperm bank is. You know, a place to donate sperm. I can get $400 a pop there. I may not have to get a job!"
So I sit there trying not to laugh or look totally amazed that this is his game plan. After all, who wouldn't want his sperm. He's a good looking man. He just happens to have ADHD; learning challenges; a prison record; addiction to drugs and alcohol and a birthmother who the state has committed more than once. What's there not to love?
I did google a local agency and showed him all of the criteria. They look at health, lifestyle, education, and family background going back 2-3 generations. So then we had a touchy conversation.
Son: "So you are saying that a kid of mine would be defective?"
Me: "I'm not saying that at all. Don't talk about my grandchildren that way. I'm just saying that they have a strict criteria and this is what it is. It's their bank and they get to make the rules."
Son: "Well, they don't have to know."
Me: "You have to be honest and they will find out anyway. You can't play with a couple's lives and feelings that way. They have a right to have all of the information available and then make their decision." (Been there, done that.)
And just when I think he's not getting or accepting any of this, he says:
"So.....do you get paid when you donate blood or is that like just a donation?"
Always thinking, that one! :)
Later.
9 comments:
I wonder if this is some of the 'on the job training' he received while in prison? Sounds like he's living the Poverty Lifestyle, a lot of working the system involved and trying to get rich quick without working for it. Check into classes in Love and Logic. I know you have probably heard of that program, from having worked in a Texas School district.
I wonder where he got the idea about sperm donors? That's crazy... And besides, I don't think he would get the $$ until someone actually picked his 'stuff' and bought it. Like you said he'd have to meet the criteria.
Just stay strong, set your rules and stick to them. If he doesn't like the rules then he can leave, he's an adult. Don't let him be a threat to your home, marriage and family. He has to make the choice to be a vital part of the community or a drain on society. You can't do it for him.
I've been thinking about you lots lately and several times this past week thought I should call. How about we pick a day after this wedding is all over with, for a good old chitchat?!
I'm glad you've found him some life management opportunities. Jomamma is right though, he is going to eventually be responsible for his own opportunities in this life. Maybe the next stop should be to a cancer ward or a NICU so he can see what a gift life is. Nothing like seeing someone less fortunate to give you a jolt back to reality.
Jomamma - 4:55 a.m.? Go back to bed. :) I really missed your Sunday post. Hope school is going well.
Thanks friends! I appreciate your support. Hub is gone for a week and sometimes that is even better. Son has been given his orders to put up or get out. I did see an improvement last night when he impulsively shot me the bird when his brother and I were teasing him about staying on the phone so much. He came back in a few minutes later and apologized. For him, that is huge.
His thought processes never cease to amaze me. We are still dealing with a 16 year old mentality. Who knows where he got that idea! He wastes way too many brain cells trying to get around the system.
Rox - I always have time for you. Just name the day.
LOL, I had been up since about 4:15... School is good, I didn't post because I need to get some pictures downloaded from my phone. I will this weekend, promise.
Rox has excellent ideas. Maybe hook him up with the Habitat for Humanity people. He could learn a trade that way. But $50 a week? Do you get to spend $50 a week anyway you want? NO... He should be thankful he's not sleeping in an alley somewhere. You guys don't owe him anything, you did your part, you raised him up and gave him a great foundation. He made bad choices and now he has to deal with that. It's not like you didn't tell him about drugs nor did you force him to take them.
When our kids come home from time to time they know they are expected to pull their weight, be of good cheer and be kind and loving and appreciative that we are allowing them to stay. They don't expect anything from us. The son will leave money on the counter to help off set the A/C and water expenses and he'll buy dinner a couple of times a week. The daughter usually drags in pennyless after a hurricane so she cleans the house top to bottom to 'pay her way.' They both clean up after themselves and do their own laundry. We don't ask them to, it's just that we've made it clear to them that it's a blessing to them and they need to be thankful and show it.
Wait a minute... I didn't finish reading your comment... he flipped you off?!!!! So clearly you can't tease him the way his friends do, so don't. He doesn't really want you to be a friend anyway. The daughter said something to me once that was equal to flipping me off. She quickly learned what it felt like to be back handed across the hall and into her bedroom door. She was given the option to either treat me with respect, follow the rules or get out.
Don't take this flipping off lightly, if you do he'll take it to the next step. Don't keep it from the hubby either. Tell him and tell him that you won't tolerate it. We have to look at it like this, just because they are our kids doesn't mean we should let them treat us worse than our enemies would. We wouldn't allow a common stranger to flip us off or cuss us out, why should we allow our kids to?
Lots of good points and ideas. I really like the Habitat for Humanity. We have been bringing him in on things at church. He went with Hub a couple of weeks ago to help load up a family that had quickly sold their house. We knew the family, but they had never met son #1. On Sunday, she praised and praised him (in front of others)and told everyone how special it made her feel that someone she didn't know came to their aid. That was so very good for him.
We're not the cupcakes that we may sound like. (Just ask #2.) But you have to remember too that we are dealing with someone who just doesn't posess full reasoning capabilities. Some of that is genetic and some is because drugs and incarcaration have stunted him. Not that I'm making an excuse for him, but it make take him longer and on a different path. On some things, we have to take baby steps and on others stand firm. He has been living in a nasty, lewd, vile sub-culture that he had to adapt to or not survive. Even one of the wardens there talked to us about it and confirmed some of the things #1 was telling us. It is just a fact as unimaginable as some of it sounds. Him flipping me off when I was teasing him was as natural a reflex from that world as swatting away a fly from our nose would be for us. Doesn't make it appropriate or accepted. I can see where he is catching himself more often when he is being inappropriate. He has a long, long way to go but if it takes 3 weeks to make a habit, what does 3 years make? That is what I meant when I said his coming back in an apologizing was big. He thought about it, felt remorse and came back and took action. Sometimes I just have to pick my battles. This is really a gray area that we are muddling through. Thanks for the help.
I am sorry, I was just thinking of the attitude we dealt with when they are at that age, I'm sure what you say about him adapting to that prison personality is so true. A very close family member was incarcerated for close to 3 years, she told us the stories of the life in there and what a person has to do to survive, even in a women's prison, but probably worse in a men's unit. I know you guys are doing all you can to help him. I do hope he can find something to do with his life that will satisfy him, and make him feel better about himself.
I know how easy it is for them to fall back into the drugs. Those 'people' seem to just seek them out and drag them back in.
Please don't stop sharing how you guys handled a tough kid. You have really good points that we need to be reminded of sometimes and I respect your thoughts. Also, it gives me hope to hear of the cases where the child has come through the storms and reaches the other side. I welcome and certainly need all ideas to fall back on. Often our creativity gets lax.
Sometimes all it takes is sitting down later, when all is calm, and talking about perceptions. "When you do this, I feel ______." But yeah, pick your battles. This isn't so much about how you feel but what he does.
We felt like we were making it all up as we went along. (And we still are. It's just easier now.) We try everything until we find something that works. Decide together with hubby how you will respond to X behavior. Put it in writing if you can't remember. (We did, since we were trying so many things.) That takes emotion out of the equation when you need to be thinking clearly.
BTW, my son asked about donating blood or plasma and we learned that the big money is only for those who are currently suffering from disease. Otherwise I think the going rate is $30 for plasma; blood is only donated. He's making pizzas for Little Caesar's instead and got his first paycheck today!
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