How am I doing? How AM I doing....

Hellooo?  Is anyone still there?  If this blog was a pet, someone would have reported me by now to the SPCA for neglect.  I've been a bit of a hot mess the last few weeks.  Probably would have been good for me to put my feelings here, but that would have been far too painful some days.  My mind seems really full of junk lately.

This is definitely one of those times that I really need some good bullet points here to sort this out.

• When I last posted, my marriage was pretty much in shambles.  Now.....not sure where we totally are.  I feel like a piece of broken china that someone has "tried" to glue back together. There are pieces missing and no one know's how to put it back.   We are definitely getting help.  I have a counselor; he has a counselor, and we have a counselor.  A step in the right direction but definitely baby steps.
• The "girlfriend".....is out of the picture....I think.  Maybe it helped that she received a Facebook message from me making her aware that she was not the first and just part of a pattern for him.  Whatever; he was pulling away from her and then she finished the job.  Not that she is the total problem.  She is just a symptom.  She is off of his phone and computer contacts and unfriended on Facebook.  It's a start.  I wish her well......not really.
• We are still in the same house.  We even go out on dates every once in awhile.  Still strained.  Still not not a healthy marriage.  But we are still in the same house.  It is what it is.  I am still hopeful that we can make it well again.  Hopefully, stronger.
• #1 is still causing his havoc.  He acquired a really bad infection in his foot which was later diagnosed as mersa.  I found out about it when I got a phone call at work one day that he was to have his foot amputated.  Luckily, after about nine days in the hospital and two surgical procedures, he still has two feet.  He has had to go back to the ER twice since being released due to not taking care of it.  He called wanting us to come out and we told him that he was a grown man and he had a choice to make whether to take care of himself or lose part of his foot.  He called at 4:30 a.m. last Saturday begging me to let him come home.  So hard to tell him that I couldn't help him but I did.  The police were at our door later in the morning.  We have expected them for a long time.  When I told him what city he was in, they actually seemed a little relieved.  Guess they were anxious to write him off.  He has burned some of the bridges with his birth mother.   He is still homeless.  All I can do is pray hard for him.  I don't know how he has made it this long.
• #2 is getting better grades.  Naturally, he has been playing a bit of the manipulation game between his parents.  We have been trying to stay consistant.  Last weekend, he broke a bone on the side of his foot and is not wearing a walking boot.  (Never a dull moment.)  Baseball is starting.
• While trying to figure all of this out, I decided that I should work on getting a 50,000 mile checkup on myself.   I first went for a physical and to also have my medications checked out.  The counselor thought that my antidepressent might be too strong by the way I was (or wasn't) acting.  My doctor thought that since I hadn't killed anyone (as of yet), the medication was doing what it should.  Next I went to the gyno.  (Joy!)  He in turn referred me to a dermatologist because of a small rough patch on my boob that I was concerned about and he thought should be biopsied.  We scheduled an appointment for the next Monday.  I realized that if I were to have a mammogram, that it would be much less painful now instead of waiting until after a chunk was taken out.  Lucked into an appointment for Friday.   The dermatologist was not concerned about the rough patch but was concerned about something that looked like a little pimple on the other boob.  I almost didn't even show him but it had been there for several months.  He took that as for a biopsy.  The next day, I got a call from the gyno that the mammagram had shown an irregularity and that I needed to come back.  Two days later, I'm back getting another mammagram and then a sonogram.  So strange to see that black spot on the screen.  The doctor thinks this may be a cyst but it is close to the chest wall and hard to see.  My choices are to wait for 6 months and look again or do a needle biopsy.  The coordinator for the breast center goes to my church.  She assured me that this doctor would have encouraged me to go forward now if he suspected a tumor.  For now, I am waiting. I may change my mind.   After all, isn't that my perogative as a woman?
• I was crying the other night after I heard about the first mammogram.   I just felt like I was drowning in issues.  Hub did come in to comfort me.  He said "I won't leave you if you're sick."  REALLY???   Probably just a typical, stupid guy statement.  I told him that his committment was underwelming.
• Work is really busy now, but in about 6 weeks, it will all be over.  I have a couple of leads on jobs.   Wish I could just get in my bed and pull the covers up.  Guess it is good that I have busy stuff to get up for.
• In the middle of all of this, we had a friend die.   He was an older man from our church.  An AMAZING, God-loving, people changing person.  Hub had a life-changing conversation with him a couple of weeks ago.  It was a gift.  The man wrote a note to his bride of 50+ years and died in his sleep that night.  We should all be so blessed as to go like that.

Well, that is my synoposis.  What have I learned?  Life is full of twists and turns that you can't dream up.  I'm just hanging on for dear life.  Yep, for dear life.

Later.