I have just started another new chapter in my life. Or maybe I just ended one. I don't know. Time will tell as "they" say.
Hub just left to drive to North Carolina. That is where our company says his job is now. Wish they would tell me where our family is because it's lost. Maybe it's just me. I feel really lost. The timing of this whole thing sucks so big. We weren't ready to take a step like this. Again, maybe it's just me. Our counselling was helping. We definitely weren't where we need to be, but we were navigating and negotiating. There were some highs; a lot of lows, and much more mediocre. We always had our faith to get us through the lows and mediocre. I'm not sure where that even is in this moment.
So here I am in a house with a for sale sign. It is no longer a home. It's just a pretty shell. Where is home? Home is where the heart is? Not any more. Home is where I grew up? Nope. Another family lives there now. Most of the neighbors have passed away. It's just not there. No going back. Home is family? Most of mine and his are either disappointed that I'm still married or I have told them that things are okay and I am doing what I need/want to do. There's that elephant in the room again. Home is my sons? One is in jail again and feeling as alone as I am and the other is 14 and has no business being burdened with more of his parents' bullshit. How could I let this happen to him? He has already been through so much. He still deserves the security of a childhood. Why do I feel solely responsible for seeing that he gets that chance?
So what am I going to do. Not really a question; just a statement. I'm going to put on my big girl panties and go through the motions. I going to keep tweaking this house until it sells. Tomorrow, the realtor is hosting a luncheon here to get local realtors in to take a look. The house needs to sell quickly so that we can get out from under the moving expenses that the company is having us to pay up front or absorb. (Relocation packages aren't what they used to be.) I'm going to put on my "I'm fine" mask with a smile so that no one will see the hurt. Actually, I'm pretty good at wearing that mask most of the time.
Thanks for letting me throw up in my mouth a little here. Did I mention how much this sucks? Where is a crystal ball when you need one? I'm fine. Just fine.
Later.
3 comments:
Change is uncomfortable. I tell you what I believe to be true though, love shouldn't be as hard as you've had it, for as long as you've had it. You deserve better. Maybe the angst you feel is partially rooted in the truth you're not ready to face?
I'm glad #1 is in jail because at least you know where he is, right? #2 will be fine once the adults in his life make the decisions it will take to make them happy. It's really all he wants. Trust me, I've never had "the security of childhood" and although it's every parents' dream, sometimes it's just not reality and that's okay.
Start living. Going through the motions is a sin against the gift that life truly is. Get some happy.
Love to you and text if you need a friend to talk to, any time.
I know you have responsibilities to family and especially #2, but please carve out some happiness for yourself. You alone can make you happy, but that means putting yourself first sometimes and letting everything/one else be second for a while.
Seek out what pleases you and maybe find a friend who enjoys the same thing. Do something big for yourself alone at least once a year, and do something small at least once a week. For me, it used to mean a movie every Sunday (when the kids were young). Now that they're okay without me (at least for a few days), I take short trips alone to favorite places or people.
Hub had to adjust to the idea that I was putting myself first, which was not the case for many years. He got over it and celebrates time with me when he has it. He no longer has the burden of making me happy, and he likes it. Use your obvious strength for YOU as much as you do for others, sweetie. Sending up a prayer for you all in your new home. Yes, home.
Good advice from two very smart women. You are the only person that can truly make you happy. Find some happiness for yourself. Praying that everything you want in life comes your way, so start figuring out what it is you TRULY want so my prayers will come true.
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