Did you have a good Valentine's Day? I hear so many people put the holiday down for its commercialism, etc. They say "I tell (insert name) all the time how I feel. Why should I send a card today?" "It's just another way for Hallmark to make the big bucks!" Maybe so, but do you REALLY tell that person how you feel? Do you REALLY show them by taking your time to do something just to show you care? We can answer yes to that but the good thing about Valentine's Day to me is that celebrating the day is a deliberate act. You choose to observe or not to observe. You choose to show someone that at least on this one day, and at this one time, you want them to feel special and know you care.
I relate this back to an exercise that a marriage counselor told us to do years ago. This was probably the best advice any counselor every gave us. At least it is the only one I really remember and actually try to practice. He had each of us to separately make a list of 20 actions that made us feel loved. Easy, noticeable things that you either do or you don't. Many were small gestures. One of mine was when Hub comes up behind me when I am washing dishes and gives me a hug. Easy to do. Then we exchanged lists. Each of us had items on our lists that made the other go "Really? That's special to you?" Then we had to commit to do two of those things each day. Nothing had to be said, but the other would know concretely that this was just to show love for the other on their terms. Something special for just for me! Kind of like....Valentine's Day.
I got a very special Valentine's present this year. I went into work on Monday, and there was a balloon attached to a box of cheap candy. My #1 son had brought it by Friday afternoon after I left so that it would be there to surprise me Monday morning. It has to warm your heart when your child does something like that for their mom. This gift was much more special though because of what had not happened.
After much "cussing and discussing" between us, Hub bought #1 another car on Friday. Not even just a car. A black, convertible Mustang. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I think Hub wanted it more for himself. A loan was taken out and agreements were made for #1 to pay it off. They came by my job to show me. #1 took me out for a late lunch in it. I have to admit that seeing him that happy totally touched my heart. I told him that I was happy for him and then prayed for his safety. He left there to go by his work and later to see some friends and show it off a little. He didn't have tags on it as it was late and they didn't have proof of insurance. We had him carry the bill of sale and reminded him to lay low since there was not a license plate on the car. He heeded our warning (he thought) and took a back road home about 8:00 p.m. The problem is that we had a lot of snow this past week and there was still some patches of ice, especially on back country roads. He hit a patch; veered off the road to the left; hit a tree squarely with the passenger side fender and the car totally spun around the tree. There was a hole like a donut into the engine and behind the front tire from where he spun. Even though he admitted that he had been drinking and was not wearing his seatbelt (grr-r-r-r-r), he was not hurt. Just a bruise on his leg from going over the stick shift. Angels are working overtime to protect this boy from himself. The car will probably be totalled. I totally expect the insurance company to investigate us for insurance fraud and cancel us since this is the 3rd car in 5 months. Fun times ahead. We are not dishonest; just stupid I guess.
As far as Hub and I about this situation, I never threw it in his face or said an "I told you so". Wasn't necessary and wouldn't have helped the situation. He was totally furious at himself and at #1 and was ready to throw him out of the house immediately. We are working through it. This isn't a situation for me to come out guns blaring and telling everyone that I was right and this is how it is going to be. I could do that, but I would have to be prepared to back it up at the expense of my marriage. I don't want that. We are working our way through.
One last word on Valentine's Day....I did received beautiful cards, roses, Spring flowers and candy. I had e-mails and calls from extended family. We had our family tradition of heart-shaped meatloaf and every one's favorite side dish. But back to the balloon and cheap candy. I came into work Monday morning to see them waiting for me. A gift from my son to his mom. A son that I came way, way too close to losing on Friday night. I am blessed and grateful.
Happy Belated Valentine's Day. Keep it going.
Later.
3 comments:
You are a good egg.
I'm such a fly off the handle kind of a girl that I often find myself apologizing later for the things I say. This post is a reminder that sometimes less is best.
We exchanged cards here. No big fuss. Then yesterday we helped each other plow snow and haul wood in. How do you put THAT on a Hallmark card? =)
Rox - There have been many years at Valentine's and at anniversary time that I have been at Hallmark looking for the "Bite Me" section. :) Not sure that plowing and hauling would be on your list, but at least you were plowing and hauling together.
You did good girl, I'm sure he didn't need you to rub his nose in it. Hubby is learning the hard way. Now you just calmly make your suggestions as to how to handle those rough situations with Tough Love. Hubby will come around, he first has to realize it's not his fault that #1 makes these choices. He just has to quit enabling him by giving him the chance to make the bad choices, and quit financing them.
Rox, Give me some time and I'll come up with a card that involves ploughing and hauling. I agree, at least you were doing it together. Hubby texted me that my flowers were down at the store staying fresh.
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