She chose life.

Fourteen years ago today, I stood outside of a hospital room door praying and waiting.  Waiting to hear the first cries of a baby.  Not any baby.  My baby.  My little boy.  The 2nd little baby that we had longed for, planned for, prayed for, and waited for.  We had already been there for about 12 hours before we heard his wails.  It was still 20-30 minutes before Hub and I got to go in and meet him.  Love at first sight?  No.  I already loved this little one.  I had sat in for several hours by the mother that would give him birth, just listening to the music of his heart beating.  It was strong and beautiful.  I had been getting to know his birth family for about two months, but hearing the sounds of his beating heart.....well, it took my breath away.  Before then, I was in love with the dream of a baby.  At that point, I fell in love with him.  He responded to me, too.  When I would speak, he would turn his face to me.  Did he know that I was the mother who would enjoy his smiles, kiss his tears away and love him forever?  I like to think so. 

At the same time that I was standing there in awe of this little baby, there was another mother who was starting down a path of intense emotional pain.  I really don't think that she comprehended how intense her feelings would be.  In all of my joy, I hurt for her.  Nine months earlier, this was her nightmare outcome after spending an evening with a co-worker.  A life changer and a deal breaker in her plans of college and career.  She could have handled her "little problem" differently, but she chose life.  Thank God she chose life.  Her first motherly decision.  Now she looked for a plan.  She contacted an agency with experience in this to guide her.  There was counselling, meetings, paperwork and health appointments.  Every day, she chose life.  She read through stacks of profiles and poured through albums of pictures that were there to introduce her to prospective parents.   She looked through trying to make a connection.  Trying to see something in there that would lead her to feel drawn to this couple to parent her child.  A huge responsibility for anyone, much less a 20 year old.  But still, she chose life.  Now though, she had to put an action to her plan.  Now there was this beautiful, squirmy, helpless little human being looking up at her.  She was touching baby hands and smelling baby smells.  She would put her cheek next to the soft hair on his head.  She felt the beating heart that we had been hearing.  Now it was real with ten little fingers and ten little toes.  Could she really do it?   She wasn't so sure.  She liked our family.  We had a growing connection.   I think she felt good about her decision to choose us, but now the issue was letting him go home with someone else.  Would she be able to sleep not knowing if he was in bed or sleeping or comfortable?   What if she was wrong about us?  What if some day he held this decision against her?  What if?   What if she hadn't chosen life?"

We had a unity ceremony in the chapel of the hospital before we left.  This was to celebrate this child and our two families coming together for his good.   There was just a few special people there, but not the birth mother.  She was late.  Then, she was really late.  The case worker came down to tell us that she had not signed the needed papers and that she wasn't positive that she even would.  Our hearts were being ripped out of our chests.  For ourselves, for this precious innocent baby and for her.  I knew her pain would be intense, but I hadn't seen this coming.  I'm sure she didn't either.  After an eternity of an hour jplus twenty, we received the news that she had signed.  Then she, her mother and the baby came down to the chapel.  She was pale with swollen, red eyes.  She was stoic, yet fragile at the same time.  We had our little celebration ceremony.  Poems were read; prayers were said; she and I both lit a unity candle as two mothers united over one little boy.  We hugged, we cried; we passed the baby back and forth between us, and we hurt together at her feelings of  loss.  Still, she had chosen life.  The hardest decision that she could make but a selfless decision in the best interest of a very, very loved little boy.

I'm sure that she is remembering that day today as well.  She now has a daughter and is pregnant with another little girl.  Her life is good.  I don't think that she regrets anything that she went through for our baby.  She may even hold her daughters just a little tighter because of him. 

So now we are the parents of a smart, funny, silly, charming, SPOILED fourteen year old.   He can't wait for us to go to his favorite Mexican food restaurant tonight.  Today has been all about him.  (Of course, most days are but that's another story.)  He has brought our family so much love, smiles and joy.  I thank God for him every day.  All because she chose life.  God bless her always.

Later.