Four years ago today, I lost my mother. I got a call about 8:30 in the morning from her nurse that she was passing. There was no way to get to her as she was a little over two hours away and her time was now. All I could do was to sit there with my thoughts. I looked up at the formal gown hanging on my bedroom door. We were all flying out the next morning halfway across the country to attend my step-daughter's big wedding. "Why now?" I selfishly thought. Then the next call came. It was over. She was gone. It had probably only been about 20 minutes. Seems like a pretty short piece of time for such an important event.
Really I had been in the process of losing my mother for about 3-4 years. Parkinson's disease and old age had been slowly taking her away from us. My mother's hands became very, very important to me. When she wasn't making a lot of sense and was losing her ability to communicate, her hands were the only things that seemed familiar. Mother always had beautiful hands. I could look at them and, although they were aging and getting more "life lines", they were still the hands that stroked me as a child and the hands that I had clung to and played with. I knew every finger and they always looked gentle and comforting to me. Even as an adult.
I miss my mother. Sometimes I think I miss her more now than the day she died. We had spent so long on the "business" of losing her (nursing care, many visits, cheerful cards and then memorials to be planned, houses to be emptied and sold, treasures to be divided, people to be remembered, etc.) that the emptiness is pushed back somewhere deep down. At the time, I was really blessed to somehow sense the happiness that my parents were now together in another life. They had a wonderful love story and had been apart for 20 years. I know it sounds crazy, but somewhere inside I could feel their joy. But right now, I feel like a child that misses the comfort and support that she provided. Someone to cry on about my son, her beloved grandson, and all that he is going through and all that he has put us through. Someone else that you can share it all with, holding back nothing and know that they will still love him in the end just like you do. Someone that you don't have to be strong for.
Those days four years ago were hard. Hub and I were torn between many emotions and family obligations. This all happened on a Thursday. He and I drove to my hometown to meet my brother & sister to make arrangements. My sister is the oldest by 13 years, then my brother and then me. I love my sister dearly, but somehow at these times she always has some kind of tantrum, chip on her shoulder or weird meltdown and makes it more of a nightmare. All of us are hurting and trying to be supportive of each other and then deal with her. Hub and I drive home and then he and my older son fly out Friday morning for the wedding. My younger son and I return to my hometown the next day and are there for the visitation on Saturday. The wedding was also on Saturday, September 11 (that's another story) and hub and son took a red-eye flight back to Texas. They arrived Sunday about an hour before the service. Then it was over. We all went back to our respective homes and lived our lives.
How weird are the rituals of lives? We seem to mark events as a way to celebrate them and sometimes as a way to just get through them. Some good, some bad. Births, birthdays, weddings, deaths, funerals and then we start over again.
Life can be strange, but I still miss my Mom.
Later.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Political Trash.....just my opinion.
Why does political news have to get so nasty? Does dragging out personal, private issues and struggles about someone else really make us look any better? It really ticked me off this morning when all the morning shows kept showing pictures of Sarah Palin and her family and highlighting their 17 year old daughter who's pregnant. I know Obama took the high road and said that "family was off limits" but he doesn't even have to say it because the news people have already run away with it. When her Mom was announced and her family introduced, did you notice that girl standing there holding her baby brother? I felt so sorry for her. She so looked like a deer in headlights. I have even heard it rumored that she is actually the mother of her baby brother. Give me a break. (Do they watch Desperate Housewives??) She has enough to worry about without worrying if she is hurting her mother's career. And just what does this say about Sarah Palin? That she's a mother of kids who sometimes make mistakes and have problems to deal with......just like us. That she is supporting her daughter when she needs it the most. It does confirm her abortion views....or I guess maybe her daughter's. I'm just really a little ticked at the media for making her such an issue. I really think that the scrutiny deters really good leaders from getting out there and trying to make a difference. They are protecting their families. Colin Powell once alluded that he would not run for president because he didn't want to put his family through that. Who could blame him.
OK. I'm really not a political junkie, but I will always be an advocate of children and families and this just got under my skin.
On a lighter note, I told you about the football coach that wanted my son to hold back in drills because he wanted him on his team. We got a call from another coach last night. This guy got a better number in the draft and drafted my son before the other coach got to him. They said he wasn't happy. It kind of tickles me. That's what you get when you try to cheat. My son had his first practice tonight and I think he's going to be a really good coach. I liked his attitude. Also, I met some of the other parents that were there and they seemed really nice, too. Bonus points for me. You spend a lot of time at practices and sitting in the stands with these people. Might as well be entertained.
That's all for me tonight, but I do feel better. (Thanks for asking.) :)
Later.
OK. I'm really not a political junkie, but I will always be an advocate of children and families and this just got under my skin.
On a lighter note, I told you about the football coach that wanted my son to hold back in drills because he wanted him on his team. We got a call from another coach last night. This guy got a better number in the draft and drafted my son before the other coach got to him. They said he wasn't happy. It kind of tickles me. That's what you get when you try to cheat. My son had his first practice tonight and I think he's going to be a really good coach. I liked his attitude. Also, I met some of the other parents that were there and they seemed really nice, too. Bonus points for me. You spend a lot of time at practices and sitting in the stands with these people. Might as well be entertained.
That's all for me tonight, but I do feel better. (Thanks for asking.) :)
Later.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
ONE WEEK DOWN AND COUNTING
I made it and I'm pooped. My first week of a working full-time is behind me. The last time I got up at 6:00 every morning, I had a baby to feed. That was 10 years ago. This schedule is going to take some time to get use to. So glad we have a 3-day weekend. I have met so many people this week that my head is swimming with names. I brought home an annual from last year to try to put faces and names together.
The week was good, but not without a little drama. The gal that trained me was great. She was with me on Monday and Tuesday and things were busy yet relatively smooth for the first days of school. On Wednesday, the 4-year-old son of a teacher hit his head on cement at preschool. The dad was totally shaking. He brought him back to school with him where he proceeded to start throwing up. Of course, he had a concussion. He's fine now. We arranged for clean up and a last minute substitute and all was well. On Thursday, we had the drug dogs come through. I don't care how honest and clean you are, they are still intimidating. When they went past my desk, I kept thinking "What if they smell my dog on me and react?" Also, the air conditioning went out in the school. Most of my day was spent writing maintenance orders, fielding the "My room is hot" calls from the teachers, and sweating. Then the icing on the cake was on Friday when the assistant principal brings me a file called "severe weather" and goes over it with me. It was very organized with all the procedures, signs for parents as to where there children were, etc. This was to be my responsibility. Who knew that a little after 3 p.m. that afternoon a storm would blow in and we would have to go into that mode. We got crowded with parents trying to get their kids out before it was declared. When "severe weather" is declared, we move to the library and set up 4 stations with computers to streamline the process of getting almost 800 kids release to their parents. We have to pull up each child's name, see what room they are in and compare the parents ID with what is on their emergency form. We got set up in there and I'm thinking this is a pretty good plan.....wait, all the computers go down. The network for the whole school district crashed. Plan B...the Principal's secretary brings in her accordion files with the hard copy of every child's enrollment sheet and we check it off manually. And they are not alphabetized with the the letter. (They will be next week if I have to do it myself.) It was going to take forever. I was so happy when the weather subsided about 10 minutes later and we could just say GO HOME before it starts again. Everyone kept asking me if I was going to come back next week. We will see........
My 10-year-old had grass drill tryouts for football this week. He is quite the athlete and one of the coaches really wants him on his team. Since this was the look-see for the coaches before drafting, he wrote me and told me to tell Connor to just put in about 75%. I can't do that. I am not going to tell my child not to do his best on anything. He said that he saw the coach at tryouts and he kept telling him to slow down. This guy is a good guy and coach. His team won the Little League Super Bowl last year. Hub really wants our son to be on his team, but I refuse to tell him to cheat. The boys are 10, people. "Teach your children well."
The week was good, but not without a little drama. The gal that trained me was great. She was with me on Monday and Tuesday and things were busy yet relatively smooth for the first days of school. On Wednesday, the 4-year-old son of a teacher hit his head on cement at preschool. The dad was totally shaking. He brought him back to school with him where he proceeded to start throwing up. Of course, he had a concussion. He's fine now. We arranged for clean up and a last minute substitute and all was well. On Thursday, we had the drug dogs come through. I don't care how honest and clean you are, they are still intimidating. When they went past my desk, I kept thinking "What if they smell my dog on me and react?" Also, the air conditioning went out in the school. Most of my day was spent writing maintenance orders, fielding the "My room is hot" calls from the teachers, and sweating. Then the icing on the cake was on Friday when the assistant principal brings me a file called "severe weather" and goes over it with me. It was very organized with all the procedures, signs for parents as to where there children were, etc. This was to be my responsibility. Who knew that a little after 3 p.m. that afternoon a storm would blow in and we would have to go into that mode. We got crowded with parents trying to get their kids out before it was declared. When "severe weather" is declared, we move to the library and set up 4 stations with computers to streamline the process of getting almost 800 kids release to their parents. We have to pull up each child's name, see what room they are in and compare the parents ID with what is on their emergency form. We got set up in there and I'm thinking this is a pretty good plan.....wait, all the computers go down. The network for the whole school district crashed. Plan B...the Principal's secretary brings in her accordion files with the hard copy of every child's enrollment sheet and we check it off manually. And they are not alphabetized with the the letter. (They will be next week if I have to do it myself.) It was going to take forever. I was so happy when the weather subsided about 10 minutes later and we could just say GO HOME before it starts again. Everyone kept asking me if I was going to come back next week. We will see........
My 10-year-old had grass drill tryouts for football this week. He is quite the athlete and one of the coaches really wants him on his team. Since this was the look-see for the coaches before drafting, he wrote me and told me to tell Connor to just put in about 75%. I can't do that. I am not going to tell my child not to do his best on anything. He said that he saw the coach at tryouts and he kept telling him to slow down. This guy is a good guy and coach. His team won the Little League Super Bowl last year. Hub really wants our son to be on his team, but I refuse to tell him to cheat. The boys are 10, people. "Teach your children well."
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Cell Phones
Well, I did it again. I hate it when I do it. I went back on one of my parenting "I'll never do that" statements. My 10 year old has a cell phone. His friends started showing up with them 2-3 years ago. I thought their parents had to be nuts!!! Then I got a job. My world is slowly turning upside down. Now my little cherub will be walking home (with a friend of course) and letting himself into his home with his own little key. (Insert tears!) I couldn't stand the thought of all that I could imagine so.....down to the phone store I trot and come back with an orange cell phone. I've joined the other side. Aaaaghhh!
At least I am a hero to a little boy. Never saw him this excited over anything. He has photographed everything and everyone. Although Hub and I got the same phone a couple of months ago, he has found features on it I could only dream of. I have no clue how to get to them. He also has become a textaholic. It takes me way to long to text a message. Must simpler to just call. Also, the calls are free between us, the house and anyone on this service. But he likes to text. I will let him have a little fun with it and if it keeps up too much, we will have to burst his bubble. I heard a teen say the other day that the last month he had 2000 text messages and their plan called for like $0.40 each over 300. Can't believe that boy is still breathing!!!
After spending most of the past 15 years just enjoying (?) adventures in parenting, I will start my new job on Monday. I went by the school after a meeting on Friday just to hang out a bit and get my bearings. I was so welcomed. Seems like a really nice staff. I have always dreaded the first week of a job when there is much to learn, new faces and you come home totally mentally and physically exhausted each day. I went to the grocery store and stocked up on frozen entrees this week. I know it will either be that or eating out way too much.
Say a little prayer for the school kids and "school people" this week. Remember the school zones!
Later.
At least I am a hero to a little boy. Never saw him this excited over anything. He has photographed everything and everyone. Although Hub and I got the same phone a couple of months ago, he has found features on it I could only dream of. I have no clue how to get to them. He also has become a textaholic. It takes me way to long to text a message. Must simpler to just call. Also, the calls are free between us, the house and anyone on this service. But he likes to text. I will let him have a little fun with it and if it keeps up too much, we will have to burst his bubble. I heard a teen say the other day that the last month he had 2000 text messages and their plan called for like $0.40 each over 300. Can't believe that boy is still breathing!!!
After spending most of the past 15 years just enjoying (?) adventures in parenting, I will start my new job on Monday. I went by the school after a meeting on Friday just to hang out a bit and get my bearings. I was so welcomed. Seems like a really nice staff. I have always dreaded the first week of a job when there is much to learn, new faces and you come home totally mentally and physically exhausted each day. I went to the grocery store and stocked up on frozen entrees this week. I know it will either be that or eating out way too much.
Say a little prayer for the school kids and "school people" this week. Remember the school zones!
Later.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
FAMILY???
What's the deal with family? Does anyone else have family members that are so self-absorbed that they can't/won't be there for family needs? They sure seem to have time for friends and acquaintances that don't mean anything in the big picture, but not for the ones that use to share the family dinner table or the ones they creeped down the stairs with to see if Santa had been there. I know that I have dealt with this before, but Hub has got me all wound up again.
I wrote earlier about bro-in-law disclosing that he was struggling with alcoholism. Hub called his sister last night to check on her and see if she had talked to him. NO. He said you really ought to call him. We-e-e-e-l-l-l she said that wouldn't know what to say. Boo-hoo! How hard is "I love you, Brother"? Why should I be surprised? Both of his sisters have been a non-show when it has come to the struggles we have dealt with during the last couple of years. We have been in tears and destroyed because our son is locked up and they can't even ask how about him. The subject is always the little class they are teaching, or re-decorating the new house or how well their kids have done in sports. In looking for an excuse for them (yeah, I don't know why I do that), I had decided that maybe we were too sensitive or too wrapped up in our own stories. Guess not if they can't respond to the other brother either.
So just a reminder. Take care of others, but take care of family first. No matter how busy we get or how far we are physically from each other, there is something about the comfort that only they can bring to the table. Just an "I care". You can't fix the problems, but just a little interest. The "talking it out part" can still be with the friends that we chosen as our confidant, soul mate, BFF, etc. Personally, I just want to know that the family cares, too.
Later.
I wrote earlier about bro-in-law disclosing that he was struggling with alcoholism. Hub called his sister last night to check on her and see if she had talked to him. NO. He said you really ought to call him. We-e-e-e-l-l-l she said that wouldn't know what to say. Boo-hoo! How hard is "I love you, Brother"? Why should I be surprised? Both of his sisters have been a non-show when it has come to the struggles we have dealt with during the last couple of years. We have been in tears and destroyed because our son is locked up and they can't even ask how about him. The subject is always the little class they are teaching, or re-decorating the new house or how well their kids have done in sports. In looking for an excuse for them (yeah, I don't know why I do that), I had decided that maybe we were too sensitive or too wrapped up in our own stories. Guess not if they can't respond to the other brother either.
So just a reminder. Take care of others, but take care of family first. No matter how busy we get or how far we are physically from each other, there is something about the comfort that only they can bring to the table. Just an "I care". You can't fix the problems, but just a little interest. The "talking it out part" can still be with the friends that we chosen as our confidant, soul mate, BFF, etc. Personally, I just want to know that the family cares, too.
Later.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Life goes on.....
Relationships can be so tricky. I feel pulled so many ways this weekend. I received an e-mail from by brother-in-law yesterday telling us that he has been dealing with alcoholism for the past 30 years and has decided to take control back of his life. I feel so badly that we had no clue he was struggling with this. He is a wonderful, loving man and although he lives halfway across the US from us, I have always felt very close to him and his partner. I am so proud of him for taking up this fight. It will be amazingly hard and now he is looking for acceptance from his family. I hope he gets it from everyone. After going through what we have with our son, we realize firsthand that family relationships - that we tend to take for granted for support - can quickly let you down. Many times we have found friendships to be more supportive. You never know until you need it.
And then sometimes not. Tonight I'm feeling a little (or a lot) let down from some close friends. At some point we have all gone some of those "extra friendship miles" to do a big favor for a friend. You don't do it for the gratitude. You do it because they really need it, want it, deserve it, etc. and because you want to because they are your friend. At the same time, it doesn't feel very good to bust your butt for someone and then feel totally screwed over for it. It is time to put on my "big girl panties" and go on, but right now I'm just a little pissed.
Now that's out (kind of), on with good stuff. I was offered a job with the school district the past week. It is going to be hard going back to work, but after hub's job shifts, it will be a blessing. I'm just nervous.
We also had some neighbors come by this weekend. They are a very young couple who look to us like parents. YIKES! They married shortly after they bought the house across the street about 3 years ago. We went to their wedding and have been with them and counseled them through some hard adjustments to a new marriage. On more than one occasion, it looked pretty doubtful. Anyway, they came by to tell us they were pregnant. And it gets better.......twins! Pretty exciting news!!
Anyway, life goes on. It can get pretty complicated but never totally dull. Sometimes the range of emotions flow through quickly. Hard to take it all in. What is it they say? Better than the alternative........
Later.
And then sometimes not. Tonight I'm feeling a little (or a lot) let down from some close friends. At some point we have all gone some of those "extra friendship miles" to do a big favor for a friend. You don't do it for the gratitude. You do it because they really need it, want it, deserve it, etc. and because you want to because they are your friend. At the same time, it doesn't feel very good to bust your butt for someone and then feel totally screwed over for it. It is time to put on my "big girl panties" and go on, but right now I'm just a little pissed.
Now that's out (kind of), on with good stuff. I was offered a job with the school district the past week. It is going to be hard going back to work, but after hub's job shifts, it will be a blessing. I'm just nervous.
We also had some neighbors come by this weekend. They are a very young couple who look to us like parents. YIKES! They married shortly after they bought the house across the street about 3 years ago. We went to their wedding and have been with them and counseled them through some hard adjustments to a new marriage. On more than one occasion, it looked pretty doubtful. Anyway, they came by to tell us they were pregnant. And it gets better.......twins! Pretty exciting news!!
Anyway, life goes on. It can get pretty complicated but never totally dull. Sometimes the range of emotions flow through quickly. Hard to take it all in. What is it they say? Better than the alternative........
Later.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
SENILITY IS SETTING IN!
I'm really losing ground in "bloggerville". I seem to have a hard time settling down to write. Then when I do, I start reading other blogs and you guys are so smart, interesting and witty (Rox) and then I feel I have nothing to say. How narcissistic!
Do you ever find yourself talking to a blog in your head instead of writing it down? I sometimes have whole conversations with you. Shame no one hears it. Or maybe not. (I feel that I have just admitted that senility is kicking in!)
We went to prison today to see our son. He was quite funny telling his little brother about things he once did to his teachers. Some we knew of....some we didn't. Yikes! I may need to sit down and write letters of apology. My oldest nephew is only 5 years younger than me. I love to listen when he and his brothers are reminiscing with my sister and admitting to things that they did that she never knew of. She would love to see me squirm now.
My sister's husband died one year ago this past Friday. They would have been married 48 years next week. Life's not fair.
I called the parole board this week to see if there was anything new. I haven't called since he was turned down in late May. The website show maybe January so I left it as that. The lady said that his file is in review and was pulled June 13th! Although last time it took about 6 months for them to act on it, she said that it would probably be looked at in a couple of weeks. Don't know if she knows what she's talking about. We had all kinds of time lines before. Anyway, we didn't tell him. We were all so very disappointed before and we are finding out that "the system" doesn't always work rationally. What's that saying......"hope for everything but expect nothing"? It's hard enough for him there without repeating this kind of disappointment.
Our son told us that they have been on "lockdown" since Wednesday. They have to stay in their cells and are brought bag lunches instead of going to lunchroom. Peanut butter sandwiches three times a day!!! He was so hungry for the vending machine snacks that we are allowed to buy him during visitation. I'm sure he had a tummy ache afterwards. He says that they do these lockdown for about a week every 6 months so that every corner and every cell is checked over.
On the way home, Hub brought up the fact that he will likely have some post traumatic stress symptoms when he comes back. He said that it is so hot that he takes off his mat and puts a sheet on the steel bed to sleep. He will have to get use to a mattress again and said not to be surprised if he sleeps on the floor some. Both of my sons love milk. He hasn't had anything but powdered milk in a very long time. It is so unsettling when we mention something that he has no clue what it is now. His brother was trying to tell him about playing Guitar Hero video game. Never heard of it. His dad had on an "under armour shirt" today. He asked about it but didn't know what he was talking about. These are just little things but can you imagine how strange it will be getting use to the world. Even air conditioning and decent, healthy food. So-o-o-o many changes.
I have a job interview tomorrow. May be just a courtesy interview but who knows. It's for a school aide and my principal friend mentioned to her principal friend that I was looking so her assistant called. Anyway, I haven't been on an interview in so long. I have bugged Hub to death with THE question.....WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR????? I also informed him that should I get this job, there would be clothes to be bought. Not a good time to do this as we haven't had a check in a while. Anyway, send up a little prayer.
Looks like I did find something to fill a few lines. Nothing smart of witty but sometimes that just the way life rolls.
Later.
Do you ever find yourself talking to a blog in your head instead of writing it down? I sometimes have whole conversations with you. Shame no one hears it. Or maybe not. (I feel that I have just admitted that senility is kicking in!)
We went to prison today to see our son. He was quite funny telling his little brother about things he once did to his teachers. Some we knew of....some we didn't. Yikes! I may need to sit down and write letters of apology. My oldest nephew is only 5 years younger than me. I love to listen when he and his brothers are reminiscing with my sister and admitting to things that they did that she never knew of. She would love to see me squirm now.
My sister's husband died one year ago this past Friday. They would have been married 48 years next week. Life's not fair.
I called the parole board this week to see if there was anything new. I haven't called since he was turned down in late May. The website show maybe January so I left it as that. The lady said that his file is in review and was pulled June 13th! Although last time it took about 6 months for them to act on it, she said that it would probably be looked at in a couple of weeks. Don't know if she knows what she's talking about. We had all kinds of time lines before. Anyway, we didn't tell him. We were all so very disappointed before and we are finding out that "the system" doesn't always work rationally. What's that saying......"hope for everything but expect nothing"? It's hard enough for him there without repeating this kind of disappointment.
Our son told us that they have been on "lockdown" since Wednesday. They have to stay in their cells and are brought bag lunches instead of going to lunchroom. Peanut butter sandwiches three times a day!!! He was so hungry for the vending machine snacks that we are allowed to buy him during visitation. I'm sure he had a tummy ache afterwards. He says that they do these lockdown for about a week every 6 months so that every corner and every cell is checked over.
On the way home, Hub brought up the fact that he will likely have some post traumatic stress symptoms when he comes back. He said that it is so hot that he takes off his mat and puts a sheet on the steel bed to sleep. He will have to get use to a mattress again and said not to be surprised if he sleeps on the floor some. Both of my sons love milk. He hasn't had anything but powdered milk in a very long time. It is so unsettling when we mention something that he has no clue what it is now. His brother was trying to tell him about playing Guitar Hero video game. Never heard of it. His dad had on an "under armour shirt" today. He asked about it but didn't know what he was talking about. These are just little things but can you imagine how strange it will be getting use to the world. Even air conditioning and decent, healthy food. So-o-o-o many changes.
I have a job interview tomorrow. May be just a courtesy interview but who knows. It's for a school aide and my principal friend mentioned to her principal friend that I was looking so her assistant called. Anyway, I haven't been on an interview in so long. I have bugged Hub to death with THE question.....WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR????? I also informed him that should I get this job, there would be clothes to be bought. Not a good time to do this as we haven't had a check in a while. Anyway, send up a little prayer.
Looks like I did find something to fill a few lines. Nothing smart of witty but sometimes that just the way life rolls.
Later.
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