Warning. This is tough.

I hope writing this helps.  Not sure if I will hit the publish button or not.  This is just so very hard.

My family is broken and hurting.  #1 is still in the city that his birth mother lives in.  He is not living with her as he got her and her boyfriend kicked out of the apartments they were living in.  He is using heavy drugs.  He is homeless except for the nights that he "hooks up" with this girl.  I still have the very real fear of getting "that" call.

#2's grade are way down right now.  He is short tempered and sometimes depressed.  He's to the stage where most waking moments need to be spent with a friend, either in person or talking through X-Box.  There are 1-4 boys here every weekend and they "hang out" and laugh like there is no tomorrow.  Then there was yesterday when he came to me in tears asking "Mom, what's going on with you and Dad?"

What's "going on" is that my marriage is breaking apart all around me and there is not a darn thing I can do about it.  Hub has a girlfriend.  Not the first time this has happened.  We rebuilt after the others.  (Never, say never.)  This time though, he has totally lost it and is willing to throw 28 years away because "he deserves to be happy".  We have gone to a marriage counselor twice since the first of the year.  The last time he said that he would not work with us as a couple until Hub decides if he wanted to be married or not.  He totally pissed Hub off at the first visit when he said that most of the problem was with him (Ya think?) and first of all, he had to have no contact with this woman.   He also wanted to know why I wasn't madder and ready to punch his lights out.   He really doesn't get that I have lived in a war zone for the last few years.   I have had to push feeling down so far just to make it through the day or hour.  The stress of the last year with #1 and "the girl" living here and sucking us dry was just the cherry on top.   I didn't realize that my reaction wasn't normal until he brought it up.

You see, the whole problem is me.  Just ask Hub. He will be happy to tell you.   I don't weigh 118 lbs anymore.  I don't look like a 20-something.  I don't clean the house well enough.  I don't push him down on the bed and rape him forty different ways every night.  Actually, there isn't much that I do right.  My head has been taken off very regularly over silly things that are really not the cause, i.e. not making a meat loaf one night.  He is a very angry man these days.  The sad part is....I love him.   I have been with him for more than half of my life.  I always thought that his would be the last hand I would hold.  I don't have a Plan B.  I really thought that this would pass, just like the other times.  It doesn't look like it.   Hearing him tell #2 last night that there was someone else and that we would probably divorce was just way too much.  I hated that he put this burden on #2.  Hub has always wanted to share the experience with our kids, even when it would be a heavy burden for them.  It makes him feel justified..  He's such a giver that way.  He is also a scorekeeper.  He says that he is always doing for me and it is not reciprocated.  I do for him many times daily.  I just don't write it in the sky and hound others with it.   So, so many of the mini-decisions are based on him and his schedule and preference.  Like sitting down with him to watch a ball game.  Not my cup of tea, but he likes the recreational companionship, as he calls it.  I always leave him the better towels in the towel closet. The best looking entree whether its an egg in the morning, a pork chop.,  I make sure he has toothpaste on hand.  When I am making spaghetti sauce, he always like a small bowl of the meat with just some mustard on in.  Silly little habit but he loves it.   All very, very small  things but they are things that I do for him because I love him and want him to be happy.  It's what you do.

Anyway, that's it in a nutshell.  It's really sad around here.  #2 says that among other thing that he felt really insecure.  Me, too.  I look at him and don't know who he is anymore.   He is so short and volatile.  He really doesn't seem to mind throwing it all away.  From a note I read from her, I think she is pretty childish and she doesn't even sound like she cares for him.  If we were not married, I don't think that this girl would even hand on to him.  She is destroying the lives of me, my sons and even him.  She has already been married twice (that I know of) and has kids with both men.  Hub's background isn't much different, so the odds are definitely against that they would not stay together.

I am just at the ultimate stress level.  I'm working again and it is really busy.  That does keep me distracted at least for a few hours.  I need to close now and go get in my empty bed.  Can't believe that this is happening at this stage of my life.  I haven't talked to anyone except about 3-4 people but no one is telling me anything other than to divorce him.  One of them was even a preacher and you should have heard his sister.

Anyway, enough of this post.  Life sucks.

Later.

2012 Non-Resolutions

No resolutions this year.  Just prayers and hopes.

I pray for my children.  For #1 to find an inner peace.   For him to find his moral compass and follow it.  For him to listen to the people that love him and have truly been there for him.  For him to quit gravitating to the "quick fix/thrill".  For him to find himself; his true self and embrace it.   I pray for his safety.  I pray for him to beat his addictions and his demons.  I pray for him to find his way "home"; where ever that may be. 

I pray for #2 to get past the hurt of a lost sibling.  For him to somehow know and understand that the struggles of being a teenager are temporary.  For him to keep the goodness that is inside of him.  I pray for continued good decisions and for protection against all of the arrows that the world will throw at him.  .

I pray for my marriage.  I pray for it to stand firm through all of the struggles that we have been dealing with.  I pray for us to get back to the closeness, fun and infatuation that we once had. 

I pray for all of us to keep God as they head of our home and lives.  I pray for us to follow his teachings and show his love to those we have contact with.  I pray for all of us to love and be loved.

I hope for quiet.  Just simple, smooth, no drama quiet.  I hope for peace.   I hope for.....Hope.

Happy New Year.

Later.

Not so deep thoughts on Christmas.

With all of the thoughts of the day, my weird mind started wandering back some 2,040 plus years.  STOP IT!   No, I wasn't in high school at the time. :)  I started thinking about Mary & Joseph and being in their family.  Can you imagine your child being the Son of God?  Or growing up with him as your brother?

I imagine Mary & Joseph talking about the baby as all expectant parents do.  You say what you are going to do with your child and what you are not going to do, and then you end up eating your words.  Don't you know that they worried, "What if we have to discipline him? Will thunder and lightening come down?"  We know that they weren't wealthy people so how did they explain the sudden gold, frankincense and myrrh?  Can't you see Joseph trying to explain that they were a baby shower gift.  (Do you think the synagogue ladies came together for a baby shower for an unmarried woman?)  He would have been locked up if he said that three kings gave it to them.   Also, you know all of the guys around town were nudging each other and he-he-ing about that his girlfriend just had a baby.  No acceptance of other lifestyles then and there.  Joseph probably defended Mary until he was blue in the face.

After there were other children, you know there would have to be those times that when Mary was calling out "I never had that problem with your brother";  "Why can't you be like your brother?"  Then there would be the whining "You always liked Jesus best."  "Why can't I be the Son of God?"  "Maybe I am.  Better be good to me."   Jesus would so be stuffed in a middle school locker if he was walking on earth today as a boy.  If not by his brothers, the other kids would after seeing him hanging out with the wise guys as the synagogue.

Oh, well.  For what its worth, that was just going through my mind.  We are having a small Christmas with just the three of us.  #2 wanted to come home, and we actually bought him an airline ticket, but then he started writing on Facebook what he had been doing.  Stupid and stupider.  Illegal, immoral, stupid.  Anyway, we had 24 hours to cancel the reservation and we did.  His dad and I both ragged on him.  He is with his birthmother.  I'm happy for her as she has never had him for Christmas.  Yet I know he will probably hook it out of there afterwards.  She might as well share that part, too.

I know it is a lot calmer and less complicated with him not here, yet.....I miss him.  I really got emotional while packing him up a box.  Then he called today and the box STILL had not been delivered.  It was suppose to have been there yesterday.  (I just checked online and it showed it came today at 4:30.)   Well, it was tough when he was in prison and now it's tough now.  Guess I need to go back to his Facebook so that I can get all mad again.  It easier that way.

I hope that you and yours have a most special Christmas.  May all your dreams come true and Santa not find out about your naughty times.  Merry Christmas!

Later.

You're not going to believe this one.

Our weekend events would make the plot of a good movie.  Oh, wait a minute.  I think it may have already been made.  Ever see "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"?  Yep, that would be it.  We went to Indianapolis this weekend for a family birthday party.  Left Monday morning and then started back after breakfast on Sunday.  Our time there was fabulous fun.  The trip.....not so much.  I will try to give you the Reader's Digest version.

• Hub and I have had a really rocky week to start out with.  The long-term stress of #1 is really taking a toll on us and our marriage.  While #2 had earphones plugged in his ears in the backseat, up front we talked, argued, cried (that would be me) and of course, there were the silent times.  All of that makes the trip seem to take an eternity.  We got to the hotel about 8:30 (9:30 their time) and just settled in, watched some TV and fell to sleep early.
• I had planned to visit our mutual friend, Birdie, while I was there.  In typical fashion, I had the time of the party confused.  I thought it was an evening party and it was actually at 2:00 in the afternoon.  We lounged around in the morning; found out about the time error and then did not have time to visit her before the party and she had plans for the evening.  :(   We did have a nice visit on the phone, but I was disappointed.  Hopefully, we will be back in the summer and I will do some better planning.
• Skip to Sunday.  We had breakfast with a cousin and his family.  Love, love, love them.  Get in the car and start out.  We were making pretty good time and all of us seemed to be on the obsession to get home quickly.  Hub was still short tempered and not a happy camper.  We stopped for a gas and potty break at a small town in Illinois.  #2 and I ran inside to the restrooms while Hub walked the dog and pumped gas.  Evidently, these were old fashioned pumps and you had to take your credit card inside to pay.  Hub told us to watch the pump and he ran in and tossed them his credit card on his own way to the restroom.  He came out saying "no more pit stops" (yeah, right) and off we went.
• We get down the highway a little ways and all of a sudden, Hub says "Oh, no" and then we hear a siren.  We pull over and a trooper gives him a speeding ticket for $140.  The speed limit in Illinois is 65.  (Illinois is the only state that the limit isn't 70.)  Hubs argues with him that it is too slow and that he won't be coming back to Illinois.  Rather silly argument as he was clocked going 86 mph. Not much of an argument.  This puts him in an even better mood. (Not.)  Oh, and the trooper had a yellow stuffed monkey sitting on his dashboard.  How weird is that?
• Two hours more down the road, through Missouri and entering Arkansas, yep.......I needed to go.  We stopped at a little town and decided to also pick up some fast food.  It was about 3:30.  We all chose to do a quick drive through of Sonic.  Got to the Sonic and it had burned down.  Went back up to Wendy's and placed an order at the drive up window.  Hub reached to get our credit card and didn't see it.  He got out of the car and pulled everything out of his wallet and it was not there.  He is so not in the mood for this.  He grabbed his jacket to check the pockets and then slung it into the back of the SUV.   He gave them another card....and it was expired.  I gave him my debit card, he pays and pulls the car over to the side. 
• We start looking around for the card.  THEN, we realized his wallet is now missing.  He had just had it and we all saw it.  That pushed him totally over the edge.  We all are looking frantically around beside the seats, etc.  Then he tells us all to get out and he proceeds to throw everything out of the car on the ground.  Yes, everything.  Luggage, dirty clothes, computer bags, snack bags, pillows, etc.  By this time, the clerks at Wendy's are all leaning out the window watching; there is a car that was behind us that just stops to watch, cars are slowing down.  He is having a complete meltdown as #2 and I step back and watch in horror.  I go back and look in the drive through and he does, too.  I went in and spoke to the clerk.  Nothing. 
• Hub finally remembers about the gas station and that he never picked his card back up after filling up with gas.  The wallet...don't have a clue.  Still a mystery.  All we can do at this time is drive back up two hours and pray that we remember the station and that they are still opened.  We don't even have a receipt to look the name or city.  We are going back over every action trying to make some sense.  #2 tells us that the car behind us in line went around the building slowly and 3  times while we were there.  Hub is driving like a mad man (which he was) and #2 and I are all over the Internet and GPS trying to remember where the gas station was.  We made all kinds of calls, but didn't reach where we narrowed our search down to which was, of course...Illinois.  I bought a cappachino there and I remember it being in my hand when we were pulled over.
• While we are driving back, we receive a call on my cell phone from the police station in Arkansas.  Hub's wallet was found at Wendy's.  Seems like everything is there.  Hub explains that we are driving back for a credit card and will be back in about 3-1/2 hours.  The wallet is still a mystery, as we both had gone back to look and it was not there.  We really think that the car behind us must have picked it up while Hub was causing all the commotion.  He probably saw what was going on and felt guilty.  I'm sure that we looked like we had enough issues at the time.
• We happily found the service station in Illinois and it was still opened.  The same girl was still there and glad to see us.  We got the card (I put it in my purse this time).  Hub is outside trying to talk ANOTHER officer out of our ticket.  Oy vey.  (And remember that Hub is driving without a license.)   We needed gas again, but Hub refused to buy it in Illinois. 
• Also, I forgot to mention that Hub had left his company card in a restaurant while in southern Louisiana last week.  He went back twice and they said that they didn't have it.  After he cancelled it, they found it.  See a pattern?
• We drove back to the Arkansas police station and got there about 9:30 and signed papers to get back his wallet.  All they had is that it was found in the drive through.  I was curious about how they got my cell phone number.  They had called the police department where we live and had someone come out to our house.  Must have found a neighbor.
• We got gas, more food as no one was in the mood to eat the Wendy's food 4 hours ago, and drove home.  We got home about 11;30.  ONLY about 6 hours later than the GPS originally set out ETA.

So.....back to "Trains, Planes and Automobiles"......get my drift?  So how was your weekend?

Later.

Thanks, Oprah!

Two posts in two days!  Haven't done that in awhile. 

I actually want to use this as kind of a "note to self" because I want to remember what I just heard.  I saw a bit of a show one Sunday morning and set it to record.  I just now turned it on today.  I already know that I need to watch it again to digest it all.  The show is called "Super Soul Sunday" and it is hosted by who else but Oprah Winfrey.  That woman is STILL teaching me lessons.  Thanks, Oprah!

This show has been filled with so many nuggets of wisdom that I want to remember and use to make decisions, comfort myself, live by, etc.

•  The first thing that reached out and grabbed me was that you can't "un-happen" things.  I think that somewhere deep down inside myself that I look for the troubles that we deal with to somehow "un-happen".  Maybe if I wait to deal with this, then I will find out that I don't need to.  It will "un-happen".  FAIL.  Not going to happen.  It's still here and still needs to be handled in some way.  Give up the hope that the past will be different.   Don't live in the space of "if only that hadn't happened."
• There was the analogy used of a picture of what you thought that your life would be hanging on the wall.  It falls down and breaks in a million pieces.  You sit there and look at it and know that it will never put itself back together.  But you can put the picture back together.  It will be a different picture but it can be a good picture.  You just have to put it together yourself. 
• Look for the message in every problem.  Don't fight the problem.  Every problem teaches a message.
• Pay attention to "life".   It's speaking to you all the time.
• Create what you want instead of be stuck on what you don't have.
• "You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people.  But until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will ooze through and stain your life.  You must find the strength to open the wound, stick your hand inside, pull out the core of the pain, the memory, and make peace with it?  Make peace with the past."
• When you hold onto the pain, it goes from being baggage to being monogrammed luggage.
• Under the anger is the hurt; and under the hurt is the love.
• Your life is like a rosebud.  We have to "break open" in order to blossom to the beautiful flower that we are intended to be. 
• It is not that we are unhappy because of what we are not getting.  We are unhappy because of what we are not giving.
• When we are in intense pain, we must go forward well.  We are the only models that our children have as to how to deal with pain.  We are their teachers.
• When you look at life through the lens of gratitude, you don't see as many obstacles or hindrances.  You see potential and possibilities.   Then you are an open vehicle for spirituality

Later.

Thanksgiving......family, food, fun, and foolishness.  How much more can one day take?   We had our usual gathering with family.  It was a smaller group this year, but that was good, too.  This time it was just family members so I got to visit more with personally with people I love.   It's all good.  The food...amazing as always.  My sister is the best cook that I know of.  We all brought our contributions to the feast, but she just has that way to put it all together.  YUM!  Fun....there is always family football, crafts and games.  The day goes very fast.  Lots of smiles.   Lots of teasing.  Lots of hugs, kisses and "I love you".  Just what it is suppose to be. 

So then why did I come home sad?  Oh, yes.  There's the foolishness.  That would be added to the mix by my darling boy, #1.  As you know he has himself in a deep well of trouble.  One that no one could escape unscathed.  He has large debts to pay.  Some with money; some to society.  Actually, I think he finally realizes it.   A little too late.  When he and a friend were on foot in the middle of a heavy storm, they sought shelter under the roof of an abandoned house.  They were ticketed with trespassing which broke the agreement of his parole.  There is a warrant out for him.  He told us he was going to run.  We exhausted every chance to talk him out of it.  While we were at a restaurant in Texas, he called a friend to pick him up and disappeared with him.  This can't end well.  They may not want him bad enough to spend a lot of time looking for him, but we all know, that one day he will mess up.  Then the punishment will be more.  I can't blame him for not wanting to go back to prison.  He is so scarred from that nightmare.  I'm also afraid that he won't make it out of this alive.  That is really hard to say/write.  He is depressed about his situation; the girlfriend; the future.  How do you parent this child?   Where is the sage advice that I'm suppose to have?  I've got nothing.   I'm so mad at him and my heart is hurting for him at the same time.  I have no answers.  Only prayers.

Later.

Thank You

If this blog was a person, she would be model thin by now from lack of food.  I haven't been very consistent in feeding it lately.   I mostly use this to "talk to myself" and as a sounding board for the expert therapy that my "bloggy buddies" offer.  For both of those reasons, this has become very valuable to me.  I have made some sweet friends.  I have learned and grown from each of you.  I've learned about crafts and hobbies that look amazing and I want to try, will never try, could not possibly do or don't have a clue about.  I have learned family dynamics from other perspectives.  I've learned more about my own family dynamics through other eyes. 

Some of my biggest laughs have come from right here.  Some people just tell a story so well and I love to listen/read.  I've learned invaluable life lessons.  My eyes have been opened to different viewpoints and ways to live life.  You've cried with me through family losses and trials and I have cried with you for the same.  I've seen you grow as human beings and hopefully, you have seen me grow a little, too.

So, we are entering in to the Thanksgiving season.  Everyone is putting on their thankful.  I want to put mine out and tell you that I am thankful for you.  You are my own private, special friends.  You fill a special place in my heart and life.  You've offered me your hearts, you ears, your tears your guidance and your encouragement.  You've been an anchor and you've been my wings.  Thank you.

Later.