NEGOTIATION

NEGOTIATION. As Charlie Brown would say....."Blech!" Or was it Snoopy that use to say that? Anyway, I am sick and tired of negotiation. Maybe I need to move to my own island. No negotiation and no compromising. No other people!

Okay, I know I'm stuck with negotiation. It is part of being a family; a community; an employee; a member, etc. Negotiation is a another fact of life. But right now it is on my same list that includes death and taxes. I will get over it. I can't really see me living on an island by myself and a soccer ball with a face on it. (Trivia Question: What did Tom Hanks name his "soccer ball friend" in the movie "Castaway"?

We are all just trying to figure out how to live together. Two extra adults has thrown our family into a bit of a tailspin. I just got through "negotiating" for time with my own washer and dryer. Don't get me wrong. I really, really want them to have clean clothes. My son failed miserably at that while "The Girl' was away. I'm just thinking that when I am the one who actually leaves the house each day to work, I kind of thought they would get their laundry done while I'm gone. It is just the little things that seem so darn inconvenient. It's a lot of work. Sometime I feel more like it than others. Guess where I'm at right now.

Honestly, except for today, we have been getting along better than usual. I've been taking The Girl around for job interviews. She actually has had two offers and two others that may be calling back. Not bad. She is excited about one and has taken the drug test that they require. She should get a schedule next week. I just keep telling her to keep her options open until she goes to work. They are suppose to be out of our house by May 1. At least there is a light at the end of the tunnel. No wait! That's a train!

Enough of that. We have had some of the most delightful old people in the office lately. We had a cutey-patooty on Monday that was 98 years old. She had a cane, but got around really well. No hearing problems....not even wearing glasses. Of course, the rest of us 40-50 years old all had on our reading glasses. I asked her what her secret is. She giggles and says "Nothing really. I don't do much but clean house". I am so screwed. If housecleaning is part of the Fountain of Youth, I don't stand a chance.

I actually had something really fun happen this past week. I had a man try to pick me up in Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart....classy, huh! I think he must have read a Cosmopolitan magazine that said to hang out in the produce area. Anyway, it did my ego a lot of good.

Well, I need to go to bed and get my beauty sleep. May need to make another Wal-Mart run tomorrow. :)

Later.

Credit where credit is due.

I was just reading about our dear friend and her new grandson. She was giving the new mommy a night to regroup and it reminded me of when I was in that same place.

I was 34 and we had adopted our first child about two months earlier. Although I'm sure I am a wealth of information now, older doesn't necessarily make you wiser when it comes to first babies. I was totally afraid that I was going to break him or at least scar him emotionally so badly that he would soon be on Oprah talking about me. (Guess I don't have to worry about that now.) I had already lost my dad, so Hub invited my mother to come and live with us and thought it would be great so that I could go back to work and not worry about our son. So I was sleep deprived, back in a demanding job, had a new baby and now my mother that I had not lived with for 16 years was here. YIKES! This was a very nice theory, but also a recipe for disaster. My mother, trying not to interfere, became a guest in our home. That meant that she played and took care of the baby during the day and I did all the cooking, grocery shopping, wash and cleaning plus night duty with the baby. Truthfully, I probably would not have given up nights to anyone as I loved the quietness of a home in the middle of the night with a baby. Sweet, yet tiresome, times.

As many new parents discover, our relationship and couple time took an immediate back seat. Hub was travelling with his job a lot and was driving in on Saturday night. I was folding clothes when he called me about 8 pm and told me to pack a bag and be waiting on the sidewalk in front of the house at 9. I told him that the baby was already down and he said "Good. He's not going." I'm sure I gave him 48 reasons why I couldn't just up and leave and many more as to why I couldn't/wouldn't leave my baby. He would accept none of them. I went flying around making up bottles and giving Mother instructions in case the sky fell or something. Hub arrived. I had taken a quick shower and wasn't ready. He threw the things in a bag that I had already pulled out, including the shoes I intended to put on, took me by the hand and we left. I was barefoot. We drove to Carlsbad, NM which was about 2-1/2 hours away from where we were living and checked into a hotel with a bottle of champagne. After much needed coupling and sleep, I was feeling much better. We went down to breakfast in the hotel just giggling. They sat us next to a couple with a small baby. All we could do was watch the baby and miss our own. That's all we talked about. We were such "Parents". We did a quick tour of Carlsbad Caverns, bought a gift for Mother and drove home as fast as we could.

My mother thought that the whole thing was quite bazaar. She is less spontaneous than I am. She just didn't understand. She asked me "Does he do this often?" I said, "No....but I sure hope he does it again!"

Anyway, I had not thought this for a very long time but I thought I would share it as it seems like all I have done is poop about my Hub lately. He does do something right....... every once in awhile.

Later.

What I really, REALLY want.

I've figured out what I really, really want. Now I just need to find out where to get it. Do I check out Best Buy? Maybe e-Bay or Craigslist? I probably should just go straight to Target or Wal-Mart. Of course, everyone knows that if it doesn't work, Wal-Mart will take it back with no problems. Target...not so much.

So you want to know what I really, really want? Well I'll tell you what I want; what I really, really want. (Hope you hear the Spice Girls singing here!) I want/need a virus protection program for my life. Does Norton make one? Maybe some "malware". That word just makes me think that I might need it. Something to protect me for the "stuff" lurking out there attacking my life and my family. I could just right-click to perform a scan and all of these negative aspects would show their faces to the light and be quarantined never to intrude again. I would set up a "firewall" to keep hurt out. I would set it to scan regularly and especially for new people coming in.

Before you start to write me off as one of "the crazies" (we all know some who blog), I'm just having a bad night/day/week/month/year right now. Seems as if there are several outside forces pushing their faces and stuff on to us right now. One would be #1. He's my child; I love him, and I'm ready for him to leave. Life has always been fast and complicated with him. I give him credit for pulling the strings that operate the man I call "Hub" (Husband). Guess that does take some effort. Then there is "the girl". Finally got her back to Texas, and now I find that she, Hub and #1 have been making arrangements to come come back. COME BACK????? Didn't she just leave? It seems like she did. Yet, I overhear Hub on telephone telling her how to handle me when she talks to me about coming back to live. Oh, but it is only 2 months now and they HONESTLY will get jobs and do well this time. Last time it was for a week and turned into 6 weeks with no one having jobs. Definitely, need to run a full virus scan!!! I need to get rid of some of the stuff/people in my life. Yep, I need to run a full virus scan. Love me some malware.

Thoughts on Valentine's Day

Did you have a good Valentine's Day? I hear so many people put the holiday down for its commercialism, etc. They say "I tell (insert name) all the time how I feel. Why should I send a card today?" "It's just another way for Hallmark to make the big bucks!" Maybe so, but do you REALLY tell that person how you feel? Do you REALLY show them by taking your time to do something just to show you care? We can answer yes to that but the good thing about Valentine's Day to me is that celebrating the day is a deliberate act. You choose to observe or not to observe. You choose to show someone that at least on this one day, and at this one time, you want them to feel special and know you care.

I relate this back to an exercise that a marriage counselor told us to do years ago. This was probably the best advice any counselor every gave us. At least it is the only one I really remember and actually try to practice. He had each of us to separately make a list of 20 actions that made us feel loved. Easy, noticeable things that you either do or you don't. Many were small gestures. One of mine was when Hub comes up behind me when I am washing dishes and gives me a hug. Easy to do. Then we exchanged lists. Each of us had items on our lists that made the other go "Really? That's special to you?" Then we had to commit to do two of those things each day. Nothing had to be said, but the other would know concretely that this was just to show love for the other on their terms. Something special for just for me! Kind of like....Valentine's Day.

I got a very special Valentine's present this year. I went into work on Monday, and there was a balloon attached to a box of cheap candy. My #1 son had brought it by Friday afternoon after I left so that it would be there to surprise me Monday morning. It has to warm your heart when your child does something like that for their mom. This gift was much more special though because of what had not happened.

After much "cussing and discussing" between us, Hub bought #1 another car on Friday. Not even just a car. A black, convertible Mustang. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I think Hub wanted it more for himself. A loan was taken out and agreements were made for #1 to pay it off. They came by my job to show me. #1 took me out for a late lunch in it. I have to admit that seeing him that happy totally touched my heart. I told him that I was happy for him and then prayed for his safety. He left there to go by his work and later to see some friends and show it off a little. He didn't have tags on it as it was late and they didn't have proof of insurance. We had him carry the bill of sale and reminded him to lay low since there was not a license plate on the car. He heeded our warning (he thought) and took a back road home about 8:00 p.m. The problem is that we had a lot of snow this past week and there was still some patches of ice, especially on back country roads. He hit a patch; veered off the road to the left; hit a tree squarely with the passenger side fender and the car totally spun around the tree. There was a hole like a donut into the engine and behind the front tire from where he spun. Even though he admitted that he had been drinking and was not wearing his seatbelt (grr-r-r-r-r), he was not hurt. Just a bruise on his leg from going over the stick shift. Angels are working overtime to protect this boy from himself. The car will probably be totalled. I totally expect the insurance company to investigate us for insurance fraud and cancel us since this is the 3rd car in 5 months. Fun times ahead. We are not dishonest; just stupid I guess.

As far as Hub and I about this situation, I never threw it in his face or said an "I told you so". Wasn't necessary and wouldn't have helped the situation. He was totally furious at himself and at #1 and was ready to throw him out of the house immediately. We are working through it. This isn't a situation for me to come out guns blaring and telling everyone that I was right and this is how it is going to be. I could do that, but I would have to be prepared to back it up at the expense of my marriage. I don't want that. We are working our way through.

One last word on Valentine's Day....I did received beautiful cards, roses, Spring flowers and candy. I had e-mails and calls from extended family. We had our family tradition of heart-shaped meatloaf and every one's favorite side dish. But back to the balloon and cheap candy. I came into work Monday morning to see them waiting for me. A gift from my son to his mom. A son that I came way, way too close to losing on Friday night. I am blessed and grateful.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day. Keep it going.

Later.

Warning. This isn't pretty.

Some days are diamonds......and then there's today. I'm not sure how much more I can take of THE GIRL. I didn't bear her; I didn't adopt her; I didn't even invite her, but here she is. The help that she has been for my son is well noted. It has come at a heavy price though. Supposedly, she is leaving Tuesday to go live with her sister. The same sister who didn't want any part of her a few weeks ago when she was there. Her other sister didn't want her there either. We have heard crazy stories about her dad and all the ways he has done her and her mother wrong. And then there are the calls and e-mail from her mother that turned on my lights to the fact that she is not on the up and up either. Maybe we have a "family tradition" going on here. Just for the record, the side of her family that doesn't want or understand her.....dad is a prominent OB/GYN; sister is listed in Texas Monthly Magazine as an up and coming star of an attorney (a big deal down here), the other sister is a photographer. On the other side we have THE GIRL and her mom. Mom is a flight attendant with a PhD who is 58 and told us that she was 2 months behind on her rent. (?) She was extremely eager for her daughter to live with us. I will be the first to admit that education and status does not always make the person, much less make them good. But which side seems a little more trustworthy?

Hub and I even confronted her this week about the benefits of telling the truth all of the time. Of course, she turns on the tears and Hub immediately turns into a wimpy man. Wish he would do that with me. Nothing good will come out of this. Whatever happens, in the end I will be the blame and the bitch. Am I the only one that wants to scratch out eyes when a man pulls out the "women just can't get along" bullshit? That right up there with "are you on your period?" I will not deny that there aren't some valid issues, but that blanket excuse just does not cut it or dismiss what is happening.

Guess what brought things to a head this weekend? This week Hub was out-0f-town for part of the week; I have worked extra hours each day and was called in on my day off due to people being out; #2 son was sick and missed most of the week of school. #1 son has been working on weekends and THE GIRL has been home sleeping until 10-11, smoking, playing on the computer and eating 5 squares a day. I'm not exaggerating. The girl is slim, tall and can put away the groceries better than my sons. I have been spending over $200 a week on groceries plus fast food. I've had a hard time planning meals as everything was half eaten. Some days she would pick up or do some laundry. We were always very grateful and she would tell us over and over all that she has been doing for #1 son. All her computer surfing time has been to look for him better jobs. RIGHT! I had Friday off as I had put in so many hours. I finally decided to just start asking her to do specific things around here. I was busy cleaning house, so I asked her to dust. I asked her to get the rest of her things out of the guest room and take them upstairs where they have the whole floor. I've asked her this several times. I finally picked up some of the things and put them on the staircase as a hint. I asked her to get her things out of the dryer so that I could use it. We had to entertain one of Hub's clients last night and went out to a nice restaurant. She and #1 didn't understand why they were not included. To a business dinner????? She slammed around pissed as she made some dinner for herself and the boys. She then let me know how she did the dishes and emptied the dishwasher. Big whoop! Today when we came home with a carload of groceries, I asked for her help. She did and then slammed things around. Then told me my purse was in her way of putting things up and made a big display that I had bought more peanut butter when we had some. YES. I AM MAD OVER PEANUT BUTTER. As silly as that sounds. It was just the last straw. She pouted around all afternoon and when #1 son came home, told him that she didn't want to come downstairs and cried. Maybe this is why God gave me boys, because I am sick of it. The worse part is that the men in my life fall right in to it. Except for #2 and he keeps asking me when they are going to move out. He is tired of the drama. Oh, and when she leaves, she is leaving the dog with us. Lucky us. We are a "dog-loving" family, but I didn't want to deal with a puppy. Especially one that belongs to someone else. She is chewing the edges and doing "other things" to my new rugs. We already have 2 dogs which we had already agreed that we would never have more than 1 again. She is tormenting the other two. And she is getting to be a big dog. I've never been comfortable with big dogs in the house.

All of this has done nothing but make Hub and I at each other's throats. A "damsel in distress" causes this man to lose any sense that he has. We have discussed the situation at length. He has shared frustration at her lies and elaborations. We have marvelled at the audacity of her family (or her mother) to drop her on us, even at 24 years of age. We have discussed what this is doing to our family. But let her flirt and all the reason goes out the window.

I even like THE GIRL on a lot of levels. I just can't stand to be lied to, used, taken advantage of, or to see anyone I love have the same happen to them. I feel that she is stunting my son by telling him that he can't do anything without her being the "wind beneath his wings". As much as he sometimes drives me crazy, there still is a mother lion in here wanting to protect my child and family.

Not sure what the future will hold for us and THE GIRL. Although her mom has promised to send her the money, I will probably even have to pay for the bus ticket that takes her away on Tuesday. Just like we did when she had to go back to see her probation officer a couple of weeks ago. Funny, we have never received the check mom promised to send us for that. Can't wait to find out what will happen when her sister throws her out of her house again. I just feel trapped with this. She knows a good thing. She will be back. Is anyone else stupid enough to take this girl in? Any takers? I really do believe in giving people a chance. I'm just done right now.

Thanks for letting me throw some of this out. I'm totally choking on it and needed a place to spew.

Later.

Things that make me go "hm-m-m-m-m".

It's January 1; New Year's Day. A day that always seems to make me reflect and become philosophic about my life. Somehow "the meaning of life" will be come clear today. Right. Just like it did last year. Probably doesn't help that I'm watching Oprah Winfrey debut her new network. Or does it? Leave it to Oprah to give me more words to think on. At the risk of sounding like an Oprah commercial, I want to share a few thoughts as they flow through my crazy, impressionable head.

I just heard Shania Twain say that the two most important questions of life are "Why?" and "Why not?". Not sure if they are THE most important, but I can identify with them anyway. Most of my conversations with myself are a bit of both and could fall into those two categories. Why does/should/did this happen to me/them/you? Why shouldn't/wouldn't/couldn't/didn't this happen to me/them/you? Why do I/you do/say/think that? Why do I not do/say/think that? I need to adjust that to "I choose" to let/make/accept this to happen or "I choose not" to do the same. No big news flash here. We have all been told this. "Take your power back! " Books, magazines, preachers, counselors, friends have put that out there for years. There is one part to this that seems to be missing. How do you do that? I mean, how do you REALLY do that? How do you get others to agree and cooperate so that you can "take your power back"? As powerful as it sounds, some things you just can't "take".

"If you get, give. If you learn, teach." Words that stand alone from Maya Angelo. I love her wisdom and her gift for expressing it.

Sarah Ferguson talks about getting in the way of her own healing. (How many times have I done that myself? Can you say "my own worst enemy"?)

"At the end of the day, this is our story." Lisa Ling's words. What I need to hear is: At the end of the day, it is my story and I am responsible for it.

So bottom line is that these are a few things that made me go "hm-m-m-m" today as I think about the coming year. I just really want to make it count.

Happy New Year!

Later.

WHAT NEXT?

First of all, I have no idea what the penguin pic has to do with anything other than they amuse me. That's all.


Hope you had a really special Christmas. We had a nice family time here. I must have been very good this past year (or more likely Santa just didn't find out) as I am typing on my new laptop. I have been holding on to my PC with white knuckles. Couldn't imagine that anything could be faster or more efficient. So now, here I am with my much-more-powerful-than-I-will-ever-need laptop sitting at the kitchen table right next to my PC. Old habits are just hard to break.


TWO-THOUSAND-ELEVEN. I have a bit of a pit in my stomach just thinking about it. We have put so much stock on starting a new year with hope and much gratitude. Our son is home and we are moved and settled. It's all good. Why am I uneasy? Probably because the last two weeks have reminded me not to be so confident that I know, or have any control over, what is going to happen next.

• Got a call mid-afternoon of Thursday a week before Christmas. That dreaded call....again. #1 son was in jail. He was pulling out of a parking lot and made a right turn without coming to a complete stop. He was pulled over by a policeman and happened to have on a belt that had brass knuckles on it. (I've never seen the belt but supposedly they were part of the buckle.) He was arrested for a prohibited weapon. He had to stay in jail until he could go before a judge on Friday morning. He was charged with a misdemeanor and bond was set at $2500. We called a bondsman who charged us $390. When they called, they were told that he had an "investigative hold" on him. Meaning = they were making sure that they could not find something else to charge him with. Of course, I do understand that they have a boy/man who has just been out of prison for 6 months; has all kind of tattoos; no steady job, etc. He doesn't exactly look like "John Q Public" and I sure that his mouth was running the whole time. The "hold" was not taken off until Saturday mid-morning. Two nights in jail over a belt buckle. Granted, stupid on his part, but SERIOUSLY???


• The plans had already been made for Hub to drive out that Saturday and pick up #1 and his girlfriend to bring them here for Christmas. After a restless night, we both got up at 4 a.m. and Hub got on the road at 5 that morning. We went straight to the jail and waited for him to be released. He also paid $200 to get the car that #1 was driving out of the auto pound. (It belonged to a friend.) $600 the week before Christmas and he still has to go to court.


• Hub showed up Saturday evening with #1, the girlfriend AND......wait for it......their ever growing puppy. That was when the other shoe fell. THEY are moving in with us. No one asked my opinion. Hub and the girlfriend made this decision on the way up. She says that the influences are just too strong and she is afraid that he will get in trouble. She really seems to love him. Not sure why she puts up with him sometimes.


• Today, Hub took them back and will rent a truck to bring back the little bit of furniture that they have and the rest of their things. Of course, this includes the bed that we had just bought them after Thanksgiving. Now, it will have to be stored.

Everything has happened so fast, I'm not sure totally where I stand on all of this. I'm very apprehensive, yet I realize that our son truly needs more help to get started. He simply does not possess the life skills to operate as an independent, responsible adult. He was born with a deficit and has lost about 4 years of life lessons to grow into it. As much as I want it to be different and sometimes demand it to be different, that fact has not changed. This isn't a case of totally enabling him as much as it is dealing with a tough situation honestly.

So that is where we are. Our household grew overnight from 3 to 5 plus 3 dogs and 1 cat. Can you say Zoo? The puppy is really sweet but driving everyone a bit nuts. Especially the 4-legged family members. She has already grown from being the smallest into the #2 position. She will end up being the largest.

The girlfriend is a sweetheart and we are trying to negotiate the "two women in one house" logistics. She has been trying to help and is good about keeping #1 in line. #2 son is crazy about her and she has given him some much needed special attention. Hub says that she's the cheapest babysitter we have had. (Shame he is talking about her babysitting #1.) They both are under strict orders that they both have to have jobs immediately after the 1st. Girlfriend already has some leads. #1 has decided that he wants to be a "mystery shopper". Oy vey!!!!

Later.