Beginnings and Endings

I have just started another new chapter in my life.  Or maybe I just ended one.  I don't know.  Time will tell as "they" say.

Hub just left to drive to North Carolina.  That is where our company says his job is now.  Wish they would tell me where our family is because it's lost.  Maybe it's just me.  I feel really lost.  The timing of this whole thing sucks so big.  We weren't ready to take a step like this.  Again, maybe it's just me.  Our counselling was helping.  We definitely weren't where we need to be, but we were navigating and negotiating.   There were some highs; a lot of lows, and much more mediocre.  We always had our faith to get us through the lows and mediocre.   I'm not sure where that even is in this moment.

So here I am in a house with a for sale sign.  It is no longer a home. It's just a pretty shell.  Where is home?  Home is where the heart is?  Not any more.  Home is where I grew up?  Nope.  Another family  lives there now.  Most of the neighbors have passed away.   It's just not there.  No going back.   Home is family?  Most of mine and his are either disappointed that I'm still married or I have told them that things are okay and I am doing what I need/want to do.   There's that elephant in the room again.  Home is my sons?  One is in jail again and feeling as alone as I am and the other is 14 and has no business being burdened with more of his parents' bullshit.   How could I let this happen to him?  He has already been through so much.  He still deserves the security of a childhood.   Why do I feel solely responsible for seeing that he gets that chance?

So what am I going to do.  Not really a question; just a statement.  I'm going to put on my big girl panties and go through the motions.  I going to keep tweaking this house until it sells.  Tomorrow, the realtor is hosting a luncheon here to get local realtors in to take a look.   The house needs to sell quickly so that we can get out from under the moving expenses that the company is having us to pay up front or absorb.  (Relocation packages aren't what they used to be.)   I'm going to put on my "I'm fine" mask with a smile so that no one will see the hurt.   Actually, I'm pretty good at wearing that mask most of the time.

Thanks for letting me throw up in my mouth a little here.  Did I mention how much this sucks?  Where is a crystal ball when you need one?  I'm fine.  Just fine.

Later.

Confusion

I don’t even know where to start.  So much going on.  So much confusion.

v  Diabetes:   #2 still has it.  He is already getting sloppy with taking his insulin.  I know that at 14 it is hard to stop and do something different than the other kids.  I realize that it can be inconvenient.  But he has to do this.  I don’t think that I can sit back and let him face the consequences on this one.  His doctor’s had told him that diabetes medication is an art form rather than a direct science.   He has taken that statement to a whole other level.  There are formulas to figure out how much your body needs.  You have to count up how much carbs you eat.  You have to take your big bedtime dose.  A man at our church told him how he has had Type 1 JD for over 30 years and has had to have surgery on his eyes three different times due to not following directions.  Really working on getting his attention on this one.

v  #1:  That’s REALLY hard to say.  He is still in AZ.  He is now living with/off some guy.  Still no job but he called today and has one for next week.  Our counselor suggested that we have a memorial service for him as the son that we once knew probably will never be back.  Can you imagine my face when he told us that?   The reasoning was is that we are in constant fear and mourning for him.   He thought it would bring some closure.   I look at the pictures of my beautiful boy.   It’s just so hard to comprehend…..

v  Boobs:   Still have boobs.  Probably should go ahead and have biopsy done instead of waiting until August appointment.

v  Marriage:  Sill married.  Still making progress.   Still fighting it out.  Still hanging in and on.  Still going to two counselors.  Hub’s counselor wanted me to come with him last time.  Have to say I’m really impressed with her.   Given time, I could see some real progress being made with her.  Our marriage counselor is good, too.  We are making progress.  I just wish this was later and that I felt more secure in our union.

v  Job:   My job ended with tax season.  The last day of packing up, reports and hosting a party almost did me in.   I’m looking for a full-time job.  I had an interview with the school district yesterday for a really good job in the administration office.  Just have to wait and see if we are going to be moving.  Hub’s company is in the middle of a HUGE shakeup.  New president; new vice presidents; new territory alignments, and oh yes, 350 layoffs in field and corporate.   Rumors are swirling.  One of them being that Hub’s position is being eliminated and restructured.   Nothing is going to be firm until May 15^th but his regional called every one of her district managers and suggested that they spend the next two weeks looking for jobs.  Soooooooo, here we go.  Hub has had three calls from the the territory HR guy.  (One being on Sunday right after church was over.  Weird!)  They have asked if he would consider another DM position and then wanted to know if we were relocatable.  (Hell to the yes if it means a job!)   Anyway, on the last call he gave him 5 cities and asked him to rank his interest.  We were getting pretty excited until we found out that he was just gathering info to turn in to corporate.   So it’s not bad news, but it’s not necessarily the good news that we thought it was.  Really scary weeks ahead.  Please add us to your prayer lists (again).   We really don’t want to leave.  I feel that I am just now making real friends.  We have found good doctors for all of our needs and especially with Connor’s new diagnosis.  We like it here.  But Hub is not at the best age to be out starting a new career.  Anyway, a job with the school district could really help.   Even if it doesn’t start until July. 

So much going on.   So much confusion.

Later.

How am I doing? How AM I doing....

Hellooo?  Is anyone still there?  If this blog was a pet, someone would have reported me by now to the SPCA for neglect.  I've been a bit of a hot mess the last few weeks.  Probably would have been good for me to put my feelings here, but that would have been far too painful some days.  My mind seems really full of junk lately.

This is definitely one of those times that I really need some good bullet points here to sort this out.

• When I last posted, my marriage was pretty much in shambles.  Now.....not sure where we totally are.  I feel like a piece of broken china that someone has "tried" to glue back together. There are pieces missing and no one know's how to put it back.   We are definitely getting help.  I have a counselor; he has a counselor, and we have a counselor.  A step in the right direction but definitely baby steps.
• The "girlfriend".....is out of the picture....I think.  Maybe it helped that she received a Facebook message from me making her aware that she was not the first and just part of a pattern for him.  Whatever; he was pulling away from her and then she finished the job.  Not that she is the total problem.  She is just a symptom.  She is off of his phone and computer contacts and unfriended on Facebook.  It's a start.  I wish her well......not really.
• We are still in the same house.  We even go out on dates every once in awhile.  Still strained.  Still not not a healthy marriage.  But we are still in the same house.  It is what it is.  I am still hopeful that we can make it well again.  Hopefully, stronger.
• #1 is still causing his havoc.  He acquired a really bad infection in his foot which was later diagnosed as mersa.  I found out about it when I got a phone call at work one day that he was to have his foot amputated.  Luckily, after about nine days in the hospital and two surgical procedures, he still has two feet.  He has had to go back to the ER twice since being released due to not taking care of it.  He called wanting us to come out and we told him that he was a grown man and he had a choice to make whether to take care of himself or lose part of his foot.  He called at 4:30 a.m. last Saturday begging me to let him come home.  So hard to tell him that I couldn't help him but I did.  The police were at our door later in the morning.  We have expected them for a long time.  When I told him what city he was in, they actually seemed a little relieved.  Guess they were anxious to write him off.  He has burned some of the bridges with his birth mother.   He is still homeless.  All I can do is pray hard for him.  I don't know how he has made it this long.
• #2 is getting better grades.  Naturally, he has been playing a bit of the manipulation game between his parents.  We have been trying to stay consistant.  Last weekend, he broke a bone on the side of his foot and is not wearing a walking boot.  (Never a dull moment.)  Baseball is starting.
• While trying to figure all of this out, I decided that I should work on getting a 50,000 mile checkup on myself.   I first went for a physical and to also have my medications checked out.  The counselor thought that my antidepressent might be too strong by the way I was (or wasn't) acting.  My doctor thought that since I hadn't killed anyone (as of yet), the medication was doing what it should.  Next I went to the gyno.  (Joy!)  He in turn referred me to a dermatologist because of a small rough patch on my boob that I was concerned about and he thought should be biopsied.  We scheduled an appointment for the next Monday.  I realized that if I were to have a mammogram, that it would be much less painful now instead of waiting until after a chunk was taken out.  Lucked into an appointment for Friday.   The dermatologist was not concerned about the rough patch but was concerned about something that looked like a little pimple on the other boob.  I almost didn't even show him but it had been there for several months.  He took that as for a biopsy.  The next day, I got a call from the gyno that the mammagram had shown an irregularity and that I needed to come back.  Two days later, I'm back getting another mammagram and then a sonogram.  So strange to see that black spot on the screen.  The doctor thinks this may be a cyst but it is close to the chest wall and hard to see.  My choices are to wait for 6 months and look again or do a needle biopsy.  The coordinator for the breast center goes to my church.  She assured me that this doctor would have encouraged me to go forward now if he suspected a tumor.  For now, I am waiting. I may change my mind.   After all, isn't that my perogative as a woman?
• I was crying the other night after I heard about the first mammogram.   I just felt like I was drowning in issues.  Hub did come in to comfort me.  He said "I won't leave you if you're sick."  REALLY???   Probably just a typical, stupid guy statement.  I told him that his committment was underwelming.
• Work is really busy now, but in about 6 weeks, it will all be over.  I have a couple of leads on jobs.   Wish I could just get in my bed and pull the covers up.  Guess it is good that I have busy stuff to get up for.
• In the middle of all of this, we had a friend die.   He was an older man from our church.  An AMAZING, God-loving, people changing person.  Hub had a life-changing conversation with him a couple of weeks ago.  It was a gift.  The man wrote a note to his bride of 50+ years and died in his sleep that night.  We should all be so blessed as to go like that.

Well, that is my synoposis.  What have I learned?  Life is full of twists and turns that you can't dream up.  I'm just hanging on for dear life.  Yep, for dear life.

Later.

Warning. This is tough.

I hope writing this helps.  Not sure if I will hit the publish button or not.  This is just so very hard.

My family is broken and hurting.  #1 is still in the city that his birth mother lives in.  He is not living with her as he got her and her boyfriend kicked out of the apartments they were living in.  He is using heavy drugs.  He is homeless except for the nights that he "hooks up" with this girl.  I still have the very real fear of getting "that" call.

#2's grade are way down right now.  He is short tempered and sometimes depressed.  He's to the stage where most waking moments need to be spent with a friend, either in person or talking through X-Box.  There are 1-4 boys here every weekend and they "hang out" and laugh like there is no tomorrow.  Then there was yesterday when he came to me in tears asking "Mom, what's going on with you and Dad?"

What's "going on" is that my marriage is breaking apart all around me and there is not a darn thing I can do about it.  Hub has a girlfriend.  Not the first time this has happened.  We rebuilt after the others.  (Never, say never.)  This time though, he has totally lost it and is willing to throw 28 years away because "he deserves to be happy".  We have gone to a marriage counselor twice since the first of the year.  The last time he said that he would not work with us as a couple until Hub decides if he wanted to be married or not.  He totally pissed Hub off at the first visit when he said that most of the problem was with him (Ya think?) and first of all, he had to have no contact with this woman.   He also wanted to know why I wasn't madder and ready to punch his lights out.   He really doesn't get that I have lived in a war zone for the last few years.   I have had to push feeling down so far just to make it through the day or hour.  The stress of the last year with #1 and "the girl" living here and sucking us dry was just the cherry on top.   I didn't realize that my reaction wasn't normal until he brought it up.

You see, the whole problem is me.  Just ask Hub. He will be happy to tell you.   I don't weigh 118 lbs anymore.  I don't look like a 20-something.  I don't clean the house well enough.  I don't push him down on the bed and rape him forty different ways every night.  Actually, there isn't much that I do right.  My head has been taken off very regularly over silly things that are really not the cause, i.e. not making a meat loaf one night.  He is a very angry man these days.  The sad part is....I love him.   I have been with him for more than half of my life.  I always thought that his would be the last hand I would hold.  I don't have a Plan B.  I really thought that this would pass, just like the other times.  It doesn't look like it.   Hearing him tell #2 last night that there was someone else and that we would probably divorce was just way too much.  I hated that he put this burden on #2.  Hub has always wanted to share the experience with our kids, even when it would be a heavy burden for them.  It makes him feel justified..  He's such a giver that way.  He is also a scorekeeper.  He says that he is always doing for me and it is not reciprocated.  I do for him many times daily.  I just don't write it in the sky and hound others with it.   So, so many of the mini-decisions are based on him and his schedule and preference.  Like sitting down with him to watch a ball game.  Not my cup of tea, but he likes the recreational companionship, as he calls it.  I always leave him the better towels in the towel closet. The best looking entree whether its an egg in the morning, a pork chop.,  I make sure he has toothpaste on hand.  When I am making spaghetti sauce, he always like a small bowl of the meat with just some mustard on in.  Silly little habit but he loves it.   All very, very small  things but they are things that I do for him because I love him and want him to be happy.  It's what you do.

Anyway, that's it in a nutshell.  It's really sad around here.  #2 says that among other thing that he felt really insecure.  Me, too.  I look at him and don't know who he is anymore.   He is so short and volatile.  He really doesn't seem to mind throwing it all away.  From a note I read from her, I think she is pretty childish and she doesn't even sound like she cares for him.  If we were not married, I don't think that this girl would even hand on to him.  She is destroying the lives of me, my sons and even him.  She has already been married twice (that I know of) and has kids with both men.  Hub's background isn't much different, so the odds are definitely against that they would not stay together.

I am just at the ultimate stress level.  I'm working again and it is really busy.  That does keep me distracted at least for a few hours.  I need to close now and go get in my empty bed.  Can't believe that this is happening at this stage of my life.  I haven't talked to anyone except about 3-4 people but no one is telling me anything other than to divorce him.  One of them was even a preacher and you should have heard his sister.

Anyway, enough of this post.  Life sucks.

Later.

2012 Non-Resolutions

No resolutions this year.  Just prayers and hopes.

I pray for my children.  For #1 to find an inner peace.   For him to find his moral compass and follow it.  For him to listen to the people that love him and have truly been there for him.  For him to quit gravitating to the "quick fix/thrill".  For him to find himself; his true self and embrace it.   I pray for his safety.  I pray for him to beat his addictions and his demons.  I pray for him to find his way "home"; where ever that may be. 

I pray for #2 to get past the hurt of a lost sibling.  For him to somehow know and understand that the struggles of being a teenager are temporary.  For him to keep the goodness that is inside of him.  I pray for continued good decisions and for protection against all of the arrows that the world will throw at him.  .

I pray for my marriage.  I pray for it to stand firm through all of the struggles that we have been dealing with.  I pray for us to get back to the closeness, fun and infatuation that we once had. 

I pray for all of us to keep God as they head of our home and lives.  I pray for us to follow his teachings and show his love to those we have contact with.  I pray for all of us to love and be loved.

I hope for quiet.  Just simple, smooth, no drama quiet.  I hope for peace.   I hope for.....Hope.

Happy New Year.

Later.

Not so deep thoughts on Christmas.

With all of the thoughts of the day, my weird mind started wandering back some 2,040 plus years.  STOP IT!   No, I wasn't in high school at the time. :)  I started thinking about Mary & Joseph and being in their family.  Can you imagine your child being the Son of God?  Or growing up with him as your brother?

I imagine Mary & Joseph talking about the baby as all expectant parents do.  You say what you are going to do with your child and what you are not going to do, and then you end up eating your words.  Don't you know that they worried, "What if we have to discipline him? Will thunder and lightening come down?"  We know that they weren't wealthy people so how did they explain the sudden gold, frankincense and myrrh?  Can't you see Joseph trying to explain that they were a baby shower gift.  (Do you think the synagogue ladies came together for a baby shower for an unmarried woman?)  He would have been locked up if he said that three kings gave it to them.   Also, you know all of the guys around town were nudging each other and he-he-ing about that his girlfriend just had a baby.  No acceptance of other lifestyles then and there.  Joseph probably defended Mary until he was blue in the face.

After there were other children, you know there would have to be those times that when Mary was calling out "I never had that problem with your brother";  "Why can't you be like your brother?"  Then there would be the whining "You always liked Jesus best."  "Why can't I be the Son of God?"  "Maybe I am.  Better be good to me."   Jesus would so be stuffed in a middle school locker if he was walking on earth today as a boy.  If not by his brothers, the other kids would after seeing him hanging out with the wise guys as the synagogue.

Oh, well.  For what its worth, that was just going through my mind.  We are having a small Christmas with just the three of us.  #2 wanted to come home, and we actually bought him an airline ticket, but then he started writing on Facebook what he had been doing.  Stupid and stupider.  Illegal, immoral, stupid.  Anyway, we had 24 hours to cancel the reservation and we did.  His dad and I both ragged on him.  He is with his birthmother.  I'm happy for her as she has never had him for Christmas.  Yet I know he will probably hook it out of there afterwards.  She might as well share that part, too.

I know it is a lot calmer and less complicated with him not here, yet.....I miss him.  I really got emotional while packing him up a box.  Then he called today and the box STILL had not been delivered.  It was suppose to have been there yesterday.  (I just checked online and it showed it came today at 4:30.)   Well, it was tough when he was in prison and now it's tough now.  Guess I need to go back to his Facebook so that I can get all mad again.  It easier that way.

I hope that you and yours have a most special Christmas.  May all your dreams come true and Santa not find out about your naughty times.  Merry Christmas!

Later.

You're not going to believe this one.

Our weekend events would make the plot of a good movie.  Oh, wait a minute.  I think it may have already been made.  Ever see "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"?  Yep, that would be it.  We went to Indianapolis this weekend for a family birthday party.  Left Monday morning and then started back after breakfast on Sunday.  Our time there was fabulous fun.  The trip.....not so much.  I will try to give you the Reader's Digest version.

• Hub and I have had a really rocky week to start out with.  The long-term stress of #1 is really taking a toll on us and our marriage.  While #2 had earphones plugged in his ears in the backseat, up front we talked, argued, cried (that would be me) and of course, there were the silent times.  All of that makes the trip seem to take an eternity.  We got to the hotel about 8:30 (9:30 their time) and just settled in, watched some TV and fell to sleep early.
• I had planned to visit our mutual friend, Birdie, while I was there.  In typical fashion, I had the time of the party confused.  I thought it was an evening party and it was actually at 2:00 in the afternoon.  We lounged around in the morning; found out about the time error and then did not have time to visit her before the party and she had plans for the evening.  :(   We did have a nice visit on the phone, but I was disappointed.  Hopefully, we will be back in the summer and I will do some better planning.
• Skip to Sunday.  We had breakfast with a cousin and his family.  Love, love, love them.  Get in the car and start out.  We were making pretty good time and all of us seemed to be on the obsession to get home quickly.  Hub was still short tempered and not a happy camper.  We stopped for a gas and potty break at a small town in Illinois.  #2 and I ran inside to the restrooms while Hub walked the dog and pumped gas.  Evidently, these were old fashioned pumps and you had to take your credit card inside to pay.  Hub told us to watch the pump and he ran in and tossed them his credit card on his own way to the restroom.  He came out saying "no more pit stops" (yeah, right) and off we went.
• We get down the highway a little ways and all of a sudden, Hub says "Oh, no" and then we hear a siren.  We pull over and a trooper gives him a speeding ticket for $140.  The speed limit in Illinois is 65.  (Illinois is the only state that the limit isn't 70.)  Hubs argues with him that it is too slow and that he won't be coming back to Illinois.  Rather silly argument as he was clocked going 86 mph. Not much of an argument.  This puts him in an even better mood. (Not.)  Oh, and the trooper had a yellow stuffed monkey sitting on his dashboard.  How weird is that?
• Two hours more down the road, through Missouri and entering Arkansas, yep.......I needed to go.  We stopped at a little town and decided to also pick up some fast food.  It was about 3:30.  We all chose to do a quick drive through of Sonic.  Got to the Sonic and it had burned down.  Went back up to Wendy's and placed an order at the drive up window.  Hub reached to get our credit card and didn't see it.  He got out of the car and pulled everything out of his wallet and it was not there.  He is so not in the mood for this.  He grabbed his jacket to check the pockets and then slung it into the back of the SUV.   He gave them another card....and it was expired.  I gave him my debit card, he pays and pulls the car over to the side. 
• We start looking around for the card.  THEN, we realized his wallet is now missing.  He had just had it and we all saw it.  That pushed him totally over the edge.  We all are looking frantically around beside the seats, etc.  Then he tells us all to get out and he proceeds to throw everything out of the car on the ground.  Yes, everything.  Luggage, dirty clothes, computer bags, snack bags, pillows, etc.  By this time, the clerks at Wendy's are all leaning out the window watching; there is a car that was behind us that just stops to watch, cars are slowing down.  He is having a complete meltdown as #2 and I step back and watch in horror.  I go back and look in the drive through and he does, too.  I went in and spoke to the clerk.  Nothing. 
• Hub finally remembers about the gas station and that he never picked his card back up after filling up with gas.  The wallet...don't have a clue.  Still a mystery.  All we can do at this time is drive back up two hours and pray that we remember the station and that they are still opened.  We don't even have a receipt to look the name or city.  We are going back over every action trying to make some sense.  #2 tells us that the car behind us in line went around the building slowly and 3  times while we were there.  Hub is driving like a mad man (which he was) and #2 and I are all over the Internet and GPS trying to remember where the gas station was.  We made all kinds of calls, but didn't reach where we narrowed our search down to which was, of course...Illinois.  I bought a cappachino there and I remember it being in my hand when we were pulled over.
• While we are driving back, we receive a call on my cell phone from the police station in Arkansas.  Hub's wallet was found at Wendy's.  Seems like everything is there.  Hub explains that we are driving back for a credit card and will be back in about 3-1/2 hours.  The wallet is still a mystery, as we both had gone back to look and it was not there.  We really think that the car behind us must have picked it up while Hub was causing all the commotion.  He probably saw what was going on and felt guilty.  I'm sure that we looked like we had enough issues at the time.
• We happily found the service station in Illinois and it was still opened.  The same girl was still there and glad to see us.  We got the card (I put it in my purse this time).  Hub is outside trying to talk ANOTHER officer out of our ticket.  Oy vey.  (And remember that Hub is driving without a license.)   We needed gas again, but Hub refused to buy it in Illinois. 
• Also, I forgot to mention that Hub had left his company card in a restaurant while in southern Louisiana last week.  He went back twice and they said that they didn't have it.  After he cancelled it, they found it.  See a pattern?
• We drove back to the Arkansas police station and got there about 9:30 and signed papers to get back his wallet.  All they had is that it was found in the drive through.  I was curious about how they got my cell phone number.  They had called the police department where we live and had someone come out to our house.  Must have found a neighbor.
• We got gas, more food as no one was in the mood to eat the Wendy's food 4 hours ago, and drove home.  We got home about 11;30.  ONLY about 6 hours later than the GPS originally set out ETA.

So.....back to "Trains, Planes and Automobiles"......get my drift?  So how was your weekend?

Later.