Red-Letter Day

I told you that I would post a house pic sometime. I guess this is the time. Y'all come see me!

Today is a red-letter kind of day. I got three rejection letters from three different jobs. Shoot! They were even the impersonal, automated, generic letters that e-mail out. Doesn't really surprise me. With school jobs, you have to know someone. Fact of life. I know that. Every mom wants to work in the school for the school schedule. Me, too! But then, if you're lucky, you realize there is something greater than that. Making a difference in a child's life. Many times it comes in really unexpected ways. For some kids, school is the only place they feel safe. Letting them know that someone who doesn't have to love them (i.e. parent) sees them for themselves and likes them ........priceless. Maybe by next year I will "know someone". I really find it rewarding and will miss it.

Now I need to find something else to do that doesn't cramp my style. Whatever that may be. :) Last school year check will be at the end of this month. Hub likes me working. Part of me does, too. The other part...not so much.

We got all of our Friday the 13th repairs made. Plumbing - $300. Lawnmower - hub knew how to fix. Yea, Hub! Car :( Luckily the engine wasn't blown as Hub thought it might be. The A/C was blowing a fuse that was stopping the engine. New A/C - $1200. Hub wants to just get it back here and make a decision whether to pour more money in. They replaced the fuse and got it running again without an air conditioner for $100. Now if we can just get it home. I know I won't be driving it.

Our older son is still in Texas. :( He was suppose to be back Monday. I was afraid that this would happen if he got that close to where we use to live. Hub and I even made a bet on it on whether he would come back on time. (Hub still lives in denial.) After the car problem, that couldn't happen but they did get the car ready yesterday afternoon. His cousin drove him over last night and they spent the night at his sister's. He left there early this morning. I have been so concerned all day because he wouldn't answer our calls or texts and had not shown up. As a mom, I had visions of him in a ditch. But it turns out that he decided to check in on old friends. Very dangerous for him. He finally called late this afternoon when we tricked him with another phone and he didn't recognize the number. He's decided to stay over until Thursday. He says that he really wants to go to church Wednesday night. I would love for that to be the case. My radar tells me that it is a convenient excuse. Oh, and guess what. Hub believes it. Of course, he does. Actually I think he chooses the path of less resistance. So until our son gets back, if he comes back, we have one car. I told him that he better hope that Hub doesn't report the car stolen.

Okay, so back to being grateful, hmmm...

• We entertained Sunday night for the first time in this home. Good company, good food, good time.
• Since we had people coming over, a lot of little details got taken care of. YEA!
• Younger son and I got all of his school supplies today. Check that off of the list.
• School starts here on Thursday, but I don't have to start a new job. Maybe I'm just a little grateful for that.

Later.

Friday the 13th

OMG! This is the third posting this week. I'm rather chatty. Or rather "typey".

It's Friday the 13th. I usually giggle at people that pay attention to that old superstition. The only time I remember changing anything that I was going to do on Friday the 13th was when I was a home decorator. I found out that my afternoon appointment was a real life witch. This came from a strong, credible source. (ie mayor/neighbor) I really didn't want to do business with people that worship the devil, but I had made the appointment a couple of weeks out and professionally felt the obligation to keep it. When I realized the date, I decided that was enough and I didn't want to push the subject. I cancelled.

Thursday the 12th may be a different story though. Older son (#1) was mowing out lawn to be overpaid with gas money. He got halfway through, and the handle of the mower came apart. Hub says that he thinks the mower can be fixed but until then, half-mowed lawn. Then #1 left in Hubs's car to go visit his cousin at college in Texas for a long weekend. Hub and I had words about this because he has been on an extended, very expensive vacation for the last 5 weeks and not really looking for a job. After he left, younger son (#2) went to get the mail and notice water spraying from a pipe in the front yard. Hub went out to check. Hub thinks that #1 had to have ran into the pipe and cracked it while mowing. Never said a word. When he tried to tighten a valve, it broke off in his hand. Now we have a tall geyser. I called the water department. They came out and said it was a pipe to the sprinkler system and past the point of their responsibility. I called our Home Warranty people and was told that they don't cover anything outside of the house. Hub turned off the water and I called the plumber we had used a month ago. He was over booked, but promised to be out first thing today. We turned the geyser back on just long enough to fill up sinks and pitchers, and flush potties. Ewww!

Then #1 called. He was about 4 hours away and the low fuel pressure light was on. He pulled over and the car started dying. He got it started and Hub told him to turn around but he refused. Instead of following the driving directions that we printed out, he went to the town we moved here from and to a favorite hangout. He said he could only go about 30 mph for the last hour and the car happened to stop there. Amazing! He calls us after about half an hour. A repair place that we had used and trusted was not too far away. Hub told him to try and get it started and take it there. In the mean time, the cousin is driving over from college about 1-1/2 hours away and his sister is picking up #1 and will meet him halfway. Everyone is trying to help and I'm still a little ticked at the situation.

Well the plumber came this morning to the house-of-dirty-people. He said that the way it was installed was stupid and should be changed. About $300. He would take the piece back to his shop and see if he can re-tool it to make it work. Today it is just $100. He cut off only the water to the sprinklers so now at least we have water in the house.

Hub called the car repair place and his mechanic thinks that it may not be as bad as we thought. Hasn't given us the what and how much yet, but we can be hopeful.

Gratitude list:

• Happy to have water. Showers are going, dishwasher and clothes washer. Makes me a little more compassionate about people in third world countries. I am so spoiled.
• Thankful for cousins who will go out of their way at 10 p.m.to help my son.
• I'm grateful that half that is mowed is the front lawn instead of the back.
• I'm excited that I knew some of the answers on Jeopardy today. Usually, that show makes me feel really stupid.

Later

Crazy Trash

Note to self: Read your posts a little closer before you publish. You sound like a moron.

"I have got to learn to be more gratitude." Maybe I should try learning a little grammar while I'm learning to be more grateful. Oh, well. I'm sure you got the drift.

Things to be grateful for today:

• Got my nails and toes done today. I'm REALLY grateful for that. Toes were looking rough. Hubby should be grateful, too.
• Went to a fish fry at church. Yum! We would be there EVERY Wednesday if they always did that. I'm bad.
• We will be entertaining for the first time Sunday night. We are hosting a church group at our house. Found some really cute plates at Wal-Mart today. I'm excited. After all, it is the little things.
• While at Wal-Mart, I also found my new favorite drink Minute Maid Cherry Limeade on sale. It was $1.00 a half gallon. I came home with four cartons. I'm not the only one that loves it. Again...little things. You really ought to try it. Big yum!

I'm sure our neighbors truly think that the Beverly Hillbillies have so moved in. Every trash day, we still seem to have a huge pile of crazy, obnoxious stuff. Luckily, in a small town, the trash people will take whatever you put out. I make my son wait until after dark to drag it out. (Sad, but true. I try to hold on to a little dignity.) We have replaced two different beds since we have been here. So on two different times, we have had mattresses stuck out there on top of tons of boxes. Found out that Hub had put his dad's old bed up in the attic after he passed. FIL had been ill and of course the mattress was stained badly. Yuck! That went out, too. What was Hub thinking? Today I think we topped it all though for crazy trash. In our old house, we had an ironing board that folded out from a wall in the master closet. (Pure genius on my part.) Master closet here doesn't have a wall to put one on so I had to go out and buy an ironing board. Since I'm not that vested in ironing boards, I didn't invest a lot in one. Translation = the cheapest one Target had. It's been a little temperamental but today we had it up and neither one of us could get it to fold up. We both inspected, struggled, banged, etc. with no success. I finally told Hub, "It's trash day. Put it out." So on top of all our other treasures, there was an ironing board. A new ironing board with a new cover. Standing up defiantly and ready to go. I probably should have taken a picture. Poor neighbors. Someday we will be normal.

As the Clampetts would say, "Y'all come back now, ya hear!"

Later.

Gratitude

I have got to learn to be more gratitude. Sometimes it is hard to get out of my own little drama to see really fun, good things going on around me. I've been having a pretty blah day, and out of the blue I get a phone call from the Vietnamese lady who used to do my nails. We became friends by "holding hands" through the years and she just found my number and decided to call and see how we were doing. Isn't that the best? Wish she was here. She gave the best mani-pedis.

Anyway, as an exercise for me, I'm going to list a few good things.

• My son has had the neighbor boys over today. For awhile, they were playing hide-n-seek. I love to see them playing really basic, non-electronic games.
• I met some more neighbors while outside last night. Really fun. I'm going to enjoy them.
• I saw several flocks of geese flying over. I love geese.
• We had both of our sons at church with us yesterday.
• I have barbecue ribs cooking for tonight. Yum!
• I only have one more room and one more closet that really need attention to be truly settled. (The garage is another story, but it's hub's story.)
• We received a beautiful plant from our realtor Saturday. Always good to see a florist at your door.
• I found out today that interviews have not started for the job I want. I still have a chance. (It's part-time. Sh-h-h-h. Don't tell Hub.)

Well, that's a start for today. While I was typing this, I had to stop to baste the ribs. The handle fell off of the oven. Oh, well! ;)

Later.

Best of times; worst of times

What a roller coaster we are riding! It is so good to have four of us around our table again. I fixed all of his favorites while Hub set the table in the formal dining room. While we all held hands, Hub said the sweetest prayer thanking God for blessing our family so richly. Then as soon as he gulped down his dinner, our Man/Child ran out the door to go meet some woman/slut that he met in a pool hall. Not exactly a Norman Rockwell moment. Actually, I think that being locked up has made my son into a bit of a slut, but that's another story.

Last night he made a big deal about wanting to take his little brother to a movie. Basically, I think it was a good excuse to not go to a church function that we wanted to go to. We have been trying to talk to him about his money and how his spending is out of control but he insisted how he wanted to spend time with his bro. We told him it was his money. We left and in the middle of our dinner both of our cell phones start ringing. Turns out he decided to go to a restaurant first for dinner. His ATM card was declined, so he had to use the rest of his cash. He wanted us to bring him money to go to the movies. I just told him that I was sorry and suggested that they go home and watch a movie that we had rented. We came home 1-1/2 hours later to find little bro in tears. They came home and in a few minutes my Man/Child told his little bro that he was going to leave and go see another woman/slut. (My words, not his.) At least he didn't take little bro with him.

This morning, he decided that he wanted to make us all breakfast. He always "thought" that he was a good cook, but he has lost a lot of his knack. He started in pretty excited with himself. I bit my tongue as he banged around in the kitchen pulling out everything and turning the burners up to high. Then some girl calls and he bragging how he is cooking for everyone. I kept seeing the mess going all over the place and finally I had to walk out of the kitchen. I realized that the house was getting smokey and told him to turn on the fan in the hood. I turned around to see flames and then a pillar (literally, a pillar all the way to the ceiling) of fire as he tried to put the flaming pan in the sink. I screamed; Hub was close and ran to help. I was sure that we had a hole in the ceiling, but luckily there wasn't. There were dark marks where the flames had "licked" the ceiling. Man/Child went out mad because I was telling him what to do. Hub got a ladder and soap and water to try to clean the ceiling. (Can you say "enabler"?)

He REALLY needs a job. He needs something constructive to fill his time and work off some energy and frustration. Incidents like today worry me to death about him though. If we had not been here, he could have been killed and our home destroyed. He is a 22 year old without the basic life experiences to get to 22. I so wish he could go into the military. He told my husband that being free was hard. He has not been able to make any decisions for himself so he's not to adept at it. The military would probably be such a good segue. They will not take him with a record though.

I do feel so sorry for him. On top of everything else, his birthmother wrote him shortly before he was released. She had been placed in a psych hospital. This has not been the first time. We knew that this had happened in the past but had downplayed it to our son. Our understanding was that her family requested it before. They live in the North and she in the Southwest so I don't know what happened. This time the state likely placed her there. She's 42 now and a bit of a loose cannon but we had hoped that she was on a better path. She sent him her "consequences" list that they had given her. Like how she could earn TV time or group walks, etc. She was always saying how he was going to come live with her and he talked about going out there, too. Now he just talks about how he came from a psycho. She also told him that she found out that his birthfather died a year ago. Who knows if that is true. How much more can he deal with?

I knew that this would be tough on all of us, but I prayed and prayed that it would be tolerable. I AM so glad he is home. I can't think on the hell that he has lived through. He just scares me on several levels. For him; for our family; for our marriage, etc. I feel that familiar old black cloud coming over us. We are all getting stressed out. We are still working on counselling.

Sorry to be such a downer.

Let's talk about The Bachelorette........

Later.

My boy is home!

He's home! I haven't posted anything about this as there are so many emotions going through my being. Relief that he made it through alive....disbelief when I think of all he has dealt with...fear of the unknown future.....frustration when I see old familiar actions or family dynamics.....sadness when I see my hurt little boy.....delight when I see him taking a positive step.

He came out with a beard, longer dirty hair, thin, tired and in old worn clothes that they give them to walk out in. He looked rough and rather Anthony Hopkins-ish only with dark hair. His hair is thinning now and he looked much older. I didn't recognize him at first. We were warned by volunteers there from a prison ministry that he would be a bit disoriented as he had traveled to get there; breakfast was served at 2 AM and it was now 10:30; he had gone through several departments to process, and of course, he hadn't slept well in days from excitement. They told everyone to take him somewhere to eat first thing.

We had waited in a family area for about two hours. There were probably 100 people waiting for loved ones inside and outside on the street across from the prison. Some had several family members there. We were told that many men come out with no one to meet them or even care if they were out or not. I couldn't help but wonder about their stories. Some looked very familiar with the process. Others were like us: scared and uncertain. There was a very old woman. I wondered if she were meeting her son or husband. I wondered how long she had waited.

We had planned to take him to a restaurant with a big buffet. After what he had been eating, we thought that would be heavenly. Instead he wanted to go to a Chili's. Turned out he just wanted to have a beer with his meal. That was probably more of a "I'm my own man now" statement from him. Wasn't sure if that was the best thing for him, but whatever. He was free and I could touch him.

We had brought him clothes to change into which he started changing into in the middle of the street by the car. No modesty now after what he had been accustomed to. I bought him a shirt with an eagle on it and the words "freedom" written across the chest. Hub's sister's lake house was about an hour away and available so we went out there and spent a few days. It is one of his favorite places to be. First thing he did was go take a long, hot shower to get that place off of him. He did get a haircut a couple of days later. Color me happy!

The next few days were pretty up and down. His cousin came out and spent the night with us. The two of them are very, very close and it was so sweet to see them excited to see each other. Two very different young men. One is "Joe College" with the world on a string and then there's our son. Cuz has always been very sensitive and supportive to him. A great cousin. The next day we had a massive water gun and water balloon war before Cuz had to leave. It was great fun. So normal. Other times, he just doesn't know what to do with himself. His anger can get the best of him and he will quickly go into a "prison mode" of speech. He did learn a few more colorful words while there. He is very reactive, which we expected, but still not easy to deal with.

We went into town the evening before we left and had dinner with my brother and sis-in-law. We went to a very nice Italian restaurant and everyone made my son feel special and welcomed. You should have seen the waiter's face when he carded my son before serving him a glass of wine. The only ID he had was one that showed him with a shaved head and the words OFFENDER stamped across it. Poor waiter didn't know what to do. He was embarrassed but we both giggled.

On the way back to Arkansas, we took a detour by our old home. I guess for a little closure. We were only there for about 24 hours and he got to see a few close family friends. It seemed really odd bringing him in to our new home and showing him around. We simply could not get the loft ready for him in time and he is still in the guest room. (Movers lost the rails to his bed.) He is part of us; not a guest. He was so happy to see the pets. They are getting lots of loving.

Not sure what the future will bring, but like they say, I know who holds the future. We are reminded all the time at how much life experience he lost due to drugs and then being locked up. One night, he signed up for a seemingly fly-by-night Internet college from a pop-up on the computer. I found out when I got an e-mail about a receipt from the $50 he had wired from his bank account. We suggested to him we check it out a little bit first.

He is gone this weekend to see some another close cousin who lives about 6 hours away. This guy is a good influence on him and we encouraged him. He has been driving around town, but he has never taken a longer trip by himself. I printed out maps and directions, but I realized he was in a bit of a panic. I tried to show my confidence in him, told him to call and let us know how he was doing, and prayed hard as he left. He called frustrated and wanting to confirm directions 20 minutes after he left. Then he called probably 15 times through the trip. He was so afraid he would miss a turn or not sure how to navigate. I kept Mapquest up and tried to assure him that I knew exactly where he was and he was good. He would say "I'm passing a school. Do you see it?" Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. :) He got there and I think has a sense of accomplishment. Just what he needed. I had better stay by the phone on Tuesday when he heads back. He will NEVER be able to figure out how to reverse the directions. :)

That's probably enough on the subject for tonight. Thanks for all the support and prayers you have offered.

Later.

A Day of Freedom

This is the week we have been waiting for. On Friday, we will pick up our son and our family will start another new chapter.....all together again. I am excited and apprehensive at the same time. Hub is leaving Wednesday for a big business meeting. He got permission to leave early on Thursday and will fly down to Houston where we will meet him at the airport that night. Then on Friday morning, we will be sitting outside waiting for my baby to walk through the gates. You don't have a specific time. Just some time that day; hopefully morning. I'm sure that it will seem like forever. A bit like waiting for Santa to come. It will surely be a scene. Lots and lots of tears. Hub says that he wants to pick him up and carry him out. That could prove interesting with a 22 year old man. :)

This is the one time I will not get on to him for shooting the finger. As long as it is discreet enough not to get him in trouble. I may be doing it myself. What a trial this has been. Not that it was not deserved, but the society that lives within those walls is hellish. The evil community that breeds off of the weaker and destroys lives and families. Everyone in there is seeking a prey. The uniforms are just as bad. It is a nasty circle that leaves scars everywhere. They call the outside the "real world". How do you truly leave behind this "unreal world" behind? Although we hope that the lessons learned here are retained forever, how do you unlearn that everyone is not out to get you and that you yourself do not have to fight and use others to rise above? I cannot imagine what is in his soul right now. He says that he couldn't see or feel God in there. As much as that saddens me, I can understand that. How do we rekindle that faith? His faith in God. His faith in others? His faith in himself?

He has had 3-1/2 years of doing nothing. We call that rehabilitation? I'm sure at first that he will be so very hyper that we can't stand him. But after that, 3-1/2 years of sitting and sleeping definitely makes a habit. He is already so far behind on the learning curve. He has been reading. Go figure, the kid with a learning disability has been reading like crazy. Hopefully, he will pick that back up and not associate it with where he was. When I think of the small area that he has been living in....well, I can't think of it or really imagine how that would feel. Will he feel insecure in a big room; be able to sleep in a soft bed; be able to be in a crowd without jumping out of his skin?

How long will it take for the rest of us to truly feel "normal"? To have that "family" closeness? To not hide medications or valuables? To not feel the need to double check everything he says? Maybe that was our normal, but I pray for something else.

Lots of questions. The one thing that I do know is that I can't wait to put my arms around him and feel his cheek against mine. To tell him over and over again how much I love him. To see his beautiful blue eyes, dimples and Tom Cruise smile. To hear him sing. He loved to sing. He has a whole new and different world to explore. Younger brother is so anxious to show him the new video systems and to finally be able to beat him in a game. I love to see my sons doing something together. Even if it is a video game.

We celebrated Independence Day yesterday and gave honor to the day and the ones who have given and are giving so much to preserve freedom on our behalf. But on Friday, July 9th, my family will celebrate our own day of Freedom and Independence. Please say a little prayer.

Later.