Hello....It's me!

WOW!  July 3 was the last time I wrote anything.  Surprising, but at the same time, maybe not so much. 

Still living in Arkansas; still married.  Hoping to leave Arkansas; hoping to stay married.  Actually, after many ups and downs, Hub and I are in a better place and I am just anxious for us to live under the same roof again.  I think we have many years of "fighting it out" left in us; in a normal married kind of way.  :)  

There has been a little flurry of home showings lately.  Weather is gorgeous this week which has brought out some but a couple of weeks ago we got a call in the middle of a huge thunderstorm that someone wanted to see our house in 30 minutes.  We got in the car and drove down the street.  They were a bit late as a huge tree was blown over and blocking the street.  That kind of storm.  Those people are supposedly still interested in our home but I say "show me the money".  Got an email that the couple that looked at it today want to come back and look again tomorrow.  Prayers appreciated. 

Is anyone else a bit obsessed with X Factor and The Voice?  Just like with Idol, I think I probably enjoy the auditions most of all.  It is so cool to watch people living their real live Cinderella and Cinderfella moments.  Of course, there are those who just want to get on camera for their 15 seconds and then there are the ones that you wonder if the disappointment is going to lead them to be serial killers or something.   Someone needs to care enough to tell them before they get up there that they can't sing.  Seriously.  I've also never seen 13 year old girls with so much stage presence, confidence and talent.  Wow!

Can't talk about X-Factor without mentioning Ms.Brittany.  The bubble gum pop princess seems to be growing up.  Either that are she is finally on the right medication.  She looks so much like her mother with blond hair.   I just find her interesting as her speaking voice is about an octave lower and she applauds like the Queen of England.  Watch her.  Anyway, she is doing good; still a bit of a diva but interesting.  Demi Lovado is cute and a nice fresh opinion.  She handles Simon well.

#1 is still being #1.  Currently, he is in jail in Phoenix awaiting sentencing on the 28th.  He has been offered a plea bargain for 3 years prison and 3 years probation.  Once again, this has probably saved his life for now.  He desperately needs a time out and I just pray that he grows and matures and wakes up during this time.  He will be 27 when he gets out and he really needs to start his life.  Can't do it for him but it doesn't stop me from hurting for him.  I was encouraged that he finally seems to have realized that his thinking is just not right and he's tired of his decisions (or the lack thereof).  He asked to see a counsellor and they have diagnosed him as bi-polar.  Doctors have been talking about that all of his life.  In my humble opinion, not sure if that is correct but he does have so many issues that who knows what is predominant.  What I do know is that I have not seen him since last Thanksgiving and that I miss him like crazy.  I just want him to do good and have a happy, honest life. 

#2 and I are doing pretty well together.  He thinks he is the "man of the house" these days.  I love to see it when he steps up but then there are times that I have to bring him back to the reality that I'm the parent and he is the child.  Can't seem to convince him that diabetes is here to stay and that he has to keep logs, etc. so that he can be treated.  He's good at taking his insulin, but doesn't check his blood to see if he needs to make a correction.  I've had to call the hospital twice during the past 3 weeks.  Scary stuff!

Hub will be home next Thursday.  He actually will be here for this weekend and the next with a business meeting in Kansas in between.  #2 will turn 15 in two weeks so he wanted to be here around then. We will have been apart for almost a month.  That is the longest in all of our 29-1/2 years of marriage.  A month is WAY too long.  I'm looking forward to him being home.

I have turned into pretty much a recluse.  I've really been fighting depression with all of this.  It is so easy to fall into with all of this frustration.  I was telling my rent-a-friend (my counsellor) about it the other day.  I think the fact that we had so many gray, rainy days in a row didn't help matters as all.  The days are gorgeous now.  If I can get this house sold, I'm sure that the fog will lift.

I went back this week for my 6-month boob followup.  After scaring me with talk of other spots showing up on the mammogram they decided that everything is still the same and I'm good for another 6 months.  They want to follow up for two years.   Not sure if that is happening.  I think I will be busy.  Actually, Scarlet will just have to think about this tomorrow.

Need to go now and live some more life.

Later.

"Bless His Heart"

“I don’t need another mother!”   I’ve heard that statement a lot during 29 years of marriage.   Generally, it follows my giving my husband instructions, a reminder, a suggestion, etc.   Well, “bless his heart”.   (Please read that with lots of sarcasm.)

I have really fallen down on my job of trying to mother.  If I had been on my mother toes, I would not have made FIVE trips to the airport in less than 24 hours. 

Actually, this all started last Thursday when Hub’s flight home was to arrive at 10:15 AM.    I was watching his flight status to know when to leave for the airport.   I knew it wasn’t good when he called half an hour after the flight was to have left.  He was home vacuuming thinking that his flight was actually a little later.  He got to the airport finding that he was many gates down.  After a hard run, he was greeted with a less than empathetic airline employee.  I’m sure he greeted him with love, too, but that would be another story.   Anyway, it was close to 4 PM when he finally arrived.

We had a nice extended weekend and he was booked on a flight leaving at 3:50 PM.   He had several errands yesterday morning before he left.   One of those errands was to take the house papers required by the relocation company.   I had received them, signed them, had them notarized and overnighted to him in NC about 10 days ago.   He was to sign, have his signatures notarized and overnight to the proper people.  (Note that overnight envelope and paperwork were provided.)  As it turns out, they were in his suitcase and still unsigned.  He signed, ran by the bank for notary service and then brought them back to me.  Again, “bless his heart”.

We left for the airport (Trip #1) and got him there in plenty of time.   He checked the papers in the car and noticed that the notary failed to sign in two places.  I went back to the bank to get that taken care of.  When I got there, I noticed that Hub’s keys were in the ignition.   He certainly didn’t need the keys to my car, but did need the keys to his offices, desk, files, etc.    Tried to call him but figured he had boarded when I didn’t get an answer.  While the notary was taking care of business, I noticed that he had missed signing one of the documents and didn’t attach the required copy of his driver’s license.  Without it, I could not send the rest of the papers in anyway.  Kept trying to call and decided to head over to the post office and check on overnighting the papers and keys to him.  While in line, he called after noticing his keys were gone.   His flight was late but we decided that it was probably too close for me to make it back there.   Filled out the paperwork for express mail and then found out that “overnight” would actually be four days due to the holiday.   Grabbed the envelope and ran to the car and headed to the airport like a speed demon.  (Trip #2)   I phoned Hub on the way and he met me outside; grabbed the envelope and ran back inside.   Whew…..or so I thought.   Got halfway home and got another call from Hub.  His flight was cancelled due to mechanical difficulties.  The next flight would be the next day.  So……here I go again.  (Trip #3)  I picked up a happy husband.   Happy, happy, happy.  We stopped by the bank and he signed and she notarized.   As soon as we got home, he copied his license; we checked the stack of paperwork one more time; put it in the overnight envelope and sealed it up…..finally.

Today, we got up for the now VERY familiar half-hour trip to the airport.   We were up and busy before we left as we had a house showing scheduled for 10:15.   We got a call a few minutes before we left that the appointment had to be cancelled.  Oh, well, we are ready for the next showing.    The three of us head to the airport to say our goodbyes.    #2 son and I got halfway home when my phone rang.   Hub is having a meltdown because he can’t find his driver’s license.  He was so upset the day before that he figured that he left it somewhere.   He wanted me to make calls and see what it would take to get another while he went to lost and found.  I told him to go through his briefcase and suitcase.   I really figured it was in there.  I pulled off at the nearest exit…….just in case.    After I called the DMV to check on getting a new license, it hit me.    He had made a copy of his license at home.   His license was probably still on the copier.    I called and #2 son and I headed back to the airport.   (Trip #4)   We picked up Hub and headed home.  #2 son was laughing.   Hub and I…..not so much.   Every time that Hub had a schedule change, he had to make several calls to take care of being picked up in NC.   Today is his daughter’s birthday so although she was going to pick him up yesterday, she could not today.  Also, he had bought a used Miata right before he left town but had not taken delivery.  He was trying to get there to pick it up.  The car dealer has been pretty flexible with him including offering to pick him up this morning, but he has reached his limit.   As it stands, a friend of Kim’s is going to pick him up at the airport and take him to the car lot where another salesman has agreed to meet him after hours.   It takes a village…….

I took Hub back to the airport two hours early.  (Trip #5)   The airline would not re-book his flight when he was at the airport as he didn’t have his I.D.    When he tried to call, there were only 3 seats left and they were going to charge him a big surcharge; so we were rushing with high hopes.   This time, I parked and went in.  I didn’t want to leave until he was ticketed and heading toward security.   If he didn’t make this flight, he might as well start walking.

Just thought I would let you know a little about my day.  Hub did call me when he landed in NC.   As far as him making the other connections…….he’s on his own.    I’m not his mother…….bless his heart.

Beginnings and Endings

I have just started another new chapter in my life.  Or maybe I just ended one.  I don't know.  Time will tell as "they" say.

Hub just left to drive to North Carolina.  That is where our company says his job is now.  Wish they would tell me where our family is because it's lost.  Maybe it's just me.  I feel really lost.  The timing of this whole thing sucks so big.  We weren't ready to take a step like this.  Again, maybe it's just me.  Our counselling was helping.  We definitely weren't where we need to be, but we were navigating and negotiating.   There were some highs; a lot of lows, and much more mediocre.  We always had our faith to get us through the lows and mediocre.   I'm not sure where that even is in this moment.

So here I am in a house with a for sale sign.  It is no longer a home. It's just a pretty shell.  Where is home?  Home is where the heart is?  Not any more.  Home is where I grew up?  Nope.  Another family  lives there now.  Most of the neighbors have passed away.   It's just not there.  No going back.   Home is family?  Most of mine and his are either disappointed that I'm still married or I have told them that things are okay and I am doing what I need/want to do.   There's that elephant in the room again.  Home is my sons?  One is in jail again and feeling as alone as I am and the other is 14 and has no business being burdened with more of his parents' bullshit.   How could I let this happen to him?  He has already been through so much.  He still deserves the security of a childhood.   Why do I feel solely responsible for seeing that he gets that chance?

So what am I going to do.  Not really a question; just a statement.  I'm going to put on my big girl panties and go through the motions.  I going to keep tweaking this house until it sells.  Tomorrow, the realtor is hosting a luncheon here to get local realtors in to take a look.   The house needs to sell quickly so that we can get out from under the moving expenses that the company is having us to pay up front or absorb.  (Relocation packages aren't what they used to be.)   I'm going to put on my "I'm fine" mask with a smile so that no one will see the hurt.   Actually, I'm pretty good at wearing that mask most of the time.

Thanks for letting me throw up in my mouth a little here.  Did I mention how much this sucks?  Where is a crystal ball when you need one?  I'm fine.  Just fine.

Later.

Confusion

I don’t even know where to start.  So much going on.  So much confusion.

v  Diabetes:   #2 still has it.  He is already getting sloppy with taking his insulin.  I know that at 14 it is hard to stop and do something different than the other kids.  I realize that it can be inconvenient.  But he has to do this.  I don’t think that I can sit back and let him face the consequences on this one.  His doctor’s had told him that diabetes medication is an art form rather than a direct science.   He has taken that statement to a whole other level.  There are formulas to figure out how much your body needs.  You have to count up how much carbs you eat.  You have to take your big bedtime dose.  A man at our church told him how he has had Type 1 JD for over 30 years and has had to have surgery on his eyes three different times due to not following directions.  Really working on getting his attention on this one.

v  #1:  That’s REALLY hard to say.  He is still in AZ.  He is now living with/off some guy.  Still no job but he called today and has one for next week.  Our counselor suggested that we have a memorial service for him as the son that we once knew probably will never be back.  Can you imagine my face when he told us that?   The reasoning was is that we are in constant fear and mourning for him.   He thought it would bring some closure.   I look at the pictures of my beautiful boy.   It’s just so hard to comprehend…..

v  Boobs:   Still have boobs.  Probably should go ahead and have biopsy done instead of waiting until August appointment.

v  Marriage:  Sill married.  Still making progress.   Still fighting it out.  Still hanging in and on.  Still going to two counselors.  Hub’s counselor wanted me to come with him last time.  Have to say I’m really impressed with her.   Given time, I could see some real progress being made with her.  Our marriage counselor is good, too.  We are making progress.  I just wish this was later and that I felt more secure in our union.

v  Job:   My job ended with tax season.  The last day of packing up, reports and hosting a party almost did me in.   I’m looking for a full-time job.  I had an interview with the school district yesterday for a really good job in the administration office.  Just have to wait and see if we are going to be moving.  Hub’s company is in the middle of a HUGE shakeup.  New president; new vice presidents; new territory alignments, and oh yes, 350 layoffs in field and corporate.   Rumors are swirling.  One of them being that Hub’s position is being eliminated and restructured.   Nothing is going to be firm until May 15^th but his regional called every one of her district managers and suggested that they spend the next two weeks looking for jobs.  Soooooooo, here we go.  Hub has had three calls from the the territory HR guy.  (One being on Sunday right after church was over.  Weird!)  They have asked if he would consider another DM position and then wanted to know if we were relocatable.  (Hell to the yes if it means a job!)   Anyway, on the last call he gave him 5 cities and asked him to rank his interest.  We were getting pretty excited until we found out that he was just gathering info to turn in to corporate.   So it’s not bad news, but it’s not necessarily the good news that we thought it was.  Really scary weeks ahead.  Please add us to your prayer lists (again).   We really don’t want to leave.  I feel that I am just now making real friends.  We have found good doctors for all of our needs and especially with Connor’s new diagnosis.  We like it here.  But Hub is not at the best age to be out starting a new career.  Anyway, a job with the school district could really help.   Even if it doesn’t start until July. 

So much going on.   So much confusion.

Later.

How am I doing? How AM I doing....

Hellooo?  Is anyone still there?  If this blog was a pet, someone would have reported me by now to the SPCA for neglect.  I've been a bit of a hot mess the last few weeks.  Probably would have been good for me to put my feelings here, but that would have been far too painful some days.  My mind seems really full of junk lately.

This is definitely one of those times that I really need some good bullet points here to sort this out.

• When I last posted, my marriage was pretty much in shambles.  Now.....not sure where we totally are.  I feel like a piece of broken china that someone has "tried" to glue back together. There are pieces missing and no one know's how to put it back.   We are definitely getting help.  I have a counselor; he has a counselor, and we have a counselor.  A step in the right direction but definitely baby steps.
• The "girlfriend".....is out of the picture....I think.  Maybe it helped that she received a Facebook message from me making her aware that she was not the first and just part of a pattern for him.  Whatever; he was pulling away from her and then she finished the job.  Not that she is the total problem.  She is just a symptom.  She is off of his phone and computer contacts and unfriended on Facebook.  It's a start.  I wish her well......not really.
• We are still in the same house.  We even go out on dates every once in awhile.  Still strained.  Still not not a healthy marriage.  But we are still in the same house.  It is what it is.  I am still hopeful that we can make it well again.  Hopefully, stronger.
• #1 is still causing his havoc.  He acquired a really bad infection in his foot which was later diagnosed as mersa.  I found out about it when I got a phone call at work one day that he was to have his foot amputated.  Luckily, after about nine days in the hospital and two surgical procedures, he still has two feet.  He has had to go back to the ER twice since being released due to not taking care of it.  He called wanting us to come out and we told him that he was a grown man and he had a choice to make whether to take care of himself or lose part of his foot.  He called at 4:30 a.m. last Saturday begging me to let him come home.  So hard to tell him that I couldn't help him but I did.  The police were at our door later in the morning.  We have expected them for a long time.  When I told him what city he was in, they actually seemed a little relieved.  Guess they were anxious to write him off.  He has burned some of the bridges with his birth mother.   He is still homeless.  All I can do is pray hard for him.  I don't know how he has made it this long.
• #2 is getting better grades.  Naturally, he has been playing a bit of the manipulation game between his parents.  We have been trying to stay consistant.  Last weekend, he broke a bone on the side of his foot and is not wearing a walking boot.  (Never a dull moment.)  Baseball is starting.
• While trying to figure all of this out, I decided that I should work on getting a 50,000 mile checkup on myself.   I first went for a physical and to also have my medications checked out.  The counselor thought that my antidepressent might be too strong by the way I was (or wasn't) acting.  My doctor thought that since I hadn't killed anyone (as of yet), the medication was doing what it should.  Next I went to the gyno.  (Joy!)  He in turn referred me to a dermatologist because of a small rough patch on my boob that I was concerned about and he thought should be biopsied.  We scheduled an appointment for the next Monday.  I realized that if I were to have a mammogram, that it would be much less painful now instead of waiting until after a chunk was taken out.  Lucked into an appointment for Friday.   The dermatologist was not concerned about the rough patch but was concerned about something that looked like a little pimple on the other boob.  I almost didn't even show him but it had been there for several months.  He took that as for a biopsy.  The next day, I got a call from the gyno that the mammagram had shown an irregularity and that I needed to come back.  Two days later, I'm back getting another mammagram and then a sonogram.  So strange to see that black spot on the screen.  The doctor thinks this may be a cyst but it is close to the chest wall and hard to see.  My choices are to wait for 6 months and look again or do a needle biopsy.  The coordinator for the breast center goes to my church.  She assured me that this doctor would have encouraged me to go forward now if he suspected a tumor.  For now, I am waiting. I may change my mind.   After all, isn't that my perogative as a woman?
• I was crying the other night after I heard about the first mammogram.   I just felt like I was drowning in issues.  Hub did come in to comfort me.  He said "I won't leave you if you're sick."  REALLY???   Probably just a typical, stupid guy statement.  I told him that his committment was underwelming.
• Work is really busy now, but in about 6 weeks, it will all be over.  I have a couple of leads on jobs.   Wish I could just get in my bed and pull the covers up.  Guess it is good that I have busy stuff to get up for.
• In the middle of all of this, we had a friend die.   He was an older man from our church.  An AMAZING, God-loving, people changing person.  Hub had a life-changing conversation with him a couple of weeks ago.  It was a gift.  The man wrote a note to his bride of 50+ years and died in his sleep that night.  We should all be so blessed as to go like that.

Well, that is my synoposis.  What have I learned?  Life is full of twists and turns that you can't dream up.  I'm just hanging on for dear life.  Yep, for dear life.

Later.

Warning. This is tough.

I hope writing this helps.  Not sure if I will hit the publish button or not.  This is just so very hard.

My family is broken and hurting.  #1 is still in the city that his birth mother lives in.  He is not living with her as he got her and her boyfriend kicked out of the apartments they were living in.  He is using heavy drugs.  He is homeless except for the nights that he "hooks up" with this girl.  I still have the very real fear of getting "that" call.

#2's grade are way down right now.  He is short tempered and sometimes depressed.  He's to the stage where most waking moments need to be spent with a friend, either in person or talking through X-Box.  There are 1-4 boys here every weekend and they "hang out" and laugh like there is no tomorrow.  Then there was yesterday when he came to me in tears asking "Mom, what's going on with you and Dad?"

What's "going on" is that my marriage is breaking apart all around me and there is not a darn thing I can do about it.  Hub has a girlfriend.  Not the first time this has happened.  We rebuilt after the others.  (Never, say never.)  This time though, he has totally lost it and is willing to throw 28 years away because "he deserves to be happy".  We have gone to a marriage counselor twice since the first of the year.  The last time he said that he would not work with us as a couple until Hub decides if he wanted to be married or not.  He totally pissed Hub off at the first visit when he said that most of the problem was with him (Ya think?) and first of all, he had to have no contact with this woman.   He also wanted to know why I wasn't madder and ready to punch his lights out.   He really doesn't get that I have lived in a war zone for the last few years.   I have had to push feeling down so far just to make it through the day or hour.  The stress of the last year with #1 and "the girl" living here and sucking us dry was just the cherry on top.   I didn't realize that my reaction wasn't normal until he brought it up.

You see, the whole problem is me.  Just ask Hub. He will be happy to tell you.   I don't weigh 118 lbs anymore.  I don't look like a 20-something.  I don't clean the house well enough.  I don't push him down on the bed and rape him forty different ways every night.  Actually, there isn't much that I do right.  My head has been taken off very regularly over silly things that are really not the cause, i.e. not making a meat loaf one night.  He is a very angry man these days.  The sad part is....I love him.   I have been with him for more than half of my life.  I always thought that his would be the last hand I would hold.  I don't have a Plan B.  I really thought that this would pass, just like the other times.  It doesn't look like it.   Hearing him tell #2 last night that there was someone else and that we would probably divorce was just way too much.  I hated that he put this burden on #2.  Hub has always wanted to share the experience with our kids, even when it would be a heavy burden for them.  It makes him feel justified..  He's such a giver that way.  He is also a scorekeeper.  He says that he is always doing for me and it is not reciprocated.  I do for him many times daily.  I just don't write it in the sky and hound others with it.   So, so many of the mini-decisions are based on him and his schedule and preference.  Like sitting down with him to watch a ball game.  Not my cup of tea, but he likes the recreational companionship, as he calls it.  I always leave him the better towels in the towel closet. The best looking entree whether its an egg in the morning, a pork chop.,  I make sure he has toothpaste on hand.  When I am making spaghetti sauce, he always like a small bowl of the meat with just some mustard on in.  Silly little habit but he loves it.   All very, very small  things but they are things that I do for him because I love him and want him to be happy.  It's what you do.

Anyway, that's it in a nutshell.  It's really sad around here.  #2 says that among other thing that he felt really insecure.  Me, too.  I look at him and don't know who he is anymore.   He is so short and volatile.  He really doesn't seem to mind throwing it all away.  From a note I read from her, I think she is pretty childish and she doesn't even sound like she cares for him.  If we were not married, I don't think that this girl would even hand on to him.  She is destroying the lives of me, my sons and even him.  She has already been married twice (that I know of) and has kids with both men.  Hub's background isn't much different, so the odds are definitely against that they would not stay together.

I am just at the ultimate stress level.  I'm working again and it is really busy.  That does keep me distracted at least for a few hours.  I need to close now and go get in my empty bed.  Can't believe that this is happening at this stage of my life.  I haven't talked to anyone except about 3-4 people but no one is telling me anything other than to divorce him.  One of them was even a preacher and you should have heard his sister.

Anyway, enough of this post.  Life sucks.

Later.

2012 Non-Resolutions

No resolutions this year.  Just prayers and hopes.

I pray for my children.  For #1 to find an inner peace.   For him to find his moral compass and follow it.  For him to listen to the people that love him and have truly been there for him.  For him to quit gravitating to the "quick fix/thrill".  For him to find himself; his true self and embrace it.   I pray for his safety.  I pray for him to beat his addictions and his demons.  I pray for him to find his way "home"; where ever that may be. 

I pray for #2 to get past the hurt of a lost sibling.  For him to somehow know and understand that the struggles of being a teenager are temporary.  For him to keep the goodness that is inside of him.  I pray for continued good decisions and for protection against all of the arrows that the world will throw at him.  .

I pray for my marriage.  I pray for it to stand firm through all of the struggles that we have been dealing with.  I pray for us to get back to the closeness, fun and infatuation that we once had. 

I pray for all of us to keep God as they head of our home and lives.  I pray for us to follow his teachings and show his love to those we have contact with.  I pray for all of us to love and be loved.

I hope for quiet.  Just simple, smooth, no drama quiet.  I hope for peace.   I hope for.....Hope.

Happy New Year.

Later.

Not so deep thoughts on Christmas.

With all of the thoughts of the day, my weird mind started wandering back some 2,040 plus years.  STOP IT!   No, I wasn't in high school at the time. :)  I started thinking about Mary & Joseph and being in their family.  Can you imagine your child being the Son of God?  Or growing up with him as your brother?

I imagine Mary & Joseph talking about the baby as all expectant parents do.  You say what you are going to do with your child and what you are not going to do, and then you end up eating your words.  Don't you know that they worried, "What if we have to discipline him? Will thunder and lightening come down?"  We know that they weren't wealthy people so how did they explain the sudden gold, frankincense and myrrh?  Can't you see Joseph trying to explain that they were a baby shower gift.  (Do you think the synagogue ladies came together for a baby shower for an unmarried woman?)  He would have been locked up if he said that three kings gave it to them.   Also, you know all of the guys around town were nudging each other and he-he-ing about that his girlfriend just had a baby.  No acceptance of other lifestyles then and there.  Joseph probably defended Mary until he was blue in the face.

After there were other children, you know there would have to be those times that when Mary was calling out "I never had that problem with your brother";  "Why can't you be like your brother?"  Then there would be the whining "You always liked Jesus best."  "Why can't I be the Son of God?"  "Maybe I am.  Better be good to me."   Jesus would so be stuffed in a middle school locker if he was walking on earth today as a boy.  If not by his brothers, the other kids would after seeing him hanging out with the wise guys as the synagogue.

Oh, well.  For what its worth, that was just going through my mind.  We are having a small Christmas with just the three of us.  #2 wanted to come home, and we actually bought him an airline ticket, but then he started writing on Facebook what he had been doing.  Stupid and stupider.  Illegal, immoral, stupid.  Anyway, we had 24 hours to cancel the reservation and we did.  His dad and I both ragged on him.  He is with his birthmother.  I'm happy for her as she has never had him for Christmas.  Yet I know he will probably hook it out of there afterwards.  She might as well share that part, too.

I know it is a lot calmer and less complicated with him not here, yet.....I miss him.  I really got emotional while packing him up a box.  Then he called today and the box STILL had not been delivered.  It was suppose to have been there yesterday.  (I just checked online and it showed it came today at 4:30.)   Well, it was tough when he was in prison and now it's tough now.  Guess I need to go back to his Facebook so that I can get all mad again.  It easier that way.

I hope that you and yours have a most special Christmas.  May all your dreams come true and Santa not find out about your naughty times.  Merry Christmas!

Later.

You're not going to believe this one.

Our weekend events would make the plot of a good movie.  Oh, wait a minute.  I think it may have already been made.  Ever see "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"?  Yep, that would be it.  We went to Indianapolis this weekend for a family birthday party.  Left Monday morning and then started back after breakfast on Sunday.  Our time there was fabulous fun.  The trip.....not so much.  I will try to give you the Reader's Digest version.

• Hub and I have had a really rocky week to start out with.  The long-term stress of #1 is really taking a toll on us and our marriage.  While #2 had earphones plugged in his ears in the backseat, up front we talked, argued, cried (that would be me) and of course, there were the silent times.  All of that makes the trip seem to take an eternity.  We got to the hotel about 8:30 (9:30 their time) and just settled in, watched some TV and fell to sleep early.
• I had planned to visit our mutual friend, Birdie, while I was there.  In typical fashion, I had the time of the party confused.  I thought it was an evening party and it was actually at 2:00 in the afternoon.  We lounged around in the morning; found out about the time error and then did not have time to visit her before the party and she had plans for the evening.  :(   We did have a nice visit on the phone, but I was disappointed.  Hopefully, we will be back in the summer and I will do some better planning.
• Skip to Sunday.  We had breakfast with a cousin and his family.  Love, love, love them.  Get in the car and start out.  We were making pretty good time and all of us seemed to be on the obsession to get home quickly.  Hub was still short tempered and not a happy camper.  We stopped for a gas and potty break at a small town in Illinois.  #2 and I ran inside to the restrooms while Hub walked the dog and pumped gas.  Evidently, these were old fashioned pumps and you had to take your credit card inside to pay.  Hub told us to watch the pump and he ran in and tossed them his credit card on his own way to the restroom.  He came out saying "no more pit stops" (yeah, right) and off we went.
• We get down the highway a little ways and all of a sudden, Hub says "Oh, no" and then we hear a siren.  We pull over and a trooper gives him a speeding ticket for $140.  The speed limit in Illinois is 65.  (Illinois is the only state that the limit isn't 70.)  Hubs argues with him that it is too slow and that he won't be coming back to Illinois.  Rather silly argument as he was clocked going 86 mph. Not much of an argument.  This puts him in an even better mood. (Not.)  Oh, and the trooper had a yellow stuffed monkey sitting on his dashboard.  How weird is that?
• Two hours more down the road, through Missouri and entering Arkansas, yep.......I needed to go.  We stopped at a little town and decided to also pick up some fast food.  It was about 3:30.  We all chose to do a quick drive through of Sonic.  Got to the Sonic and it had burned down.  Went back up to Wendy's and placed an order at the drive up window.  Hub reached to get our credit card and didn't see it.  He got out of the car and pulled everything out of his wallet and it was not there.  He is so not in the mood for this.  He grabbed his jacket to check the pockets and then slung it into the back of the SUV.   He gave them another card....and it was expired.  I gave him my debit card, he pays and pulls the car over to the side. 
• We start looking around for the card.  THEN, we realized his wallet is now missing.  He had just had it and we all saw it.  That pushed him totally over the edge.  We all are looking frantically around beside the seats, etc.  Then he tells us all to get out and he proceeds to throw everything out of the car on the ground.  Yes, everything.  Luggage, dirty clothes, computer bags, snack bags, pillows, etc.  By this time, the clerks at Wendy's are all leaning out the window watching; there is a car that was behind us that just stops to watch, cars are slowing down.  He is having a complete meltdown as #2 and I step back and watch in horror.  I go back and look in the drive through and he does, too.  I went in and spoke to the clerk.  Nothing. 
• Hub finally remembers about the gas station and that he never picked his card back up after filling up with gas.  The wallet...don't have a clue.  Still a mystery.  All we can do at this time is drive back up two hours and pray that we remember the station and that they are still opened.  We don't even have a receipt to look the name or city.  We are going back over every action trying to make some sense.  #2 tells us that the car behind us in line went around the building slowly and 3  times while we were there.  Hub is driving like a mad man (which he was) and #2 and I are all over the Internet and GPS trying to remember where the gas station was.  We made all kinds of calls, but didn't reach where we narrowed our search down to which was, of course...Illinois.  I bought a cappachino there and I remember it being in my hand when we were pulled over.
• While we are driving back, we receive a call on my cell phone from the police station in Arkansas.  Hub's wallet was found at Wendy's.  Seems like everything is there.  Hub explains that we are driving back for a credit card and will be back in about 3-1/2 hours.  The wallet is still a mystery, as we both had gone back to look and it was not there.  We really think that the car behind us must have picked it up while Hub was causing all the commotion.  He probably saw what was going on and felt guilty.  I'm sure that we looked like we had enough issues at the time.
• We happily found the service station in Illinois and it was still opened.  The same girl was still there and glad to see us.  We got the card (I put it in my purse this time).  Hub is outside trying to talk ANOTHER officer out of our ticket.  Oy vey.  (And remember that Hub is driving without a license.)   We needed gas again, but Hub refused to buy it in Illinois. 
• Also, I forgot to mention that Hub had left his company card in a restaurant while in southern Louisiana last week.  He went back twice and they said that they didn't have it.  After he cancelled it, they found it.  See a pattern?
• We drove back to the Arkansas police station and got there about 9:30 and signed papers to get back his wallet.  All they had is that it was found in the drive through.  I was curious about how they got my cell phone number.  They had called the police department where we live and had someone come out to our house.  Must have found a neighbor.
• We got gas, more food as no one was in the mood to eat the Wendy's food 4 hours ago, and drove home.  We got home about 11;30.  ONLY about 6 hours later than the GPS originally set out ETA.

So.....back to "Trains, Planes and Automobiles"......get my drift?  So how was your weekend?

Later.

Thanks, Oprah!

Two posts in two days!  Haven't done that in awhile. 

I actually want to use this as kind of a "note to self" because I want to remember what I just heard.  I saw a bit of a show one Sunday morning and set it to record.  I just now turned it on today.  I already know that I need to watch it again to digest it all.  The show is called "Super Soul Sunday" and it is hosted by who else but Oprah Winfrey.  That woman is STILL teaching me lessons.  Thanks, Oprah!

This show has been filled with so many nuggets of wisdom that I want to remember and use to make decisions, comfort myself, live by, etc.

•  The first thing that reached out and grabbed me was that you can't "un-happen" things.  I think that somewhere deep down inside myself that I look for the troubles that we deal with to somehow "un-happen".  Maybe if I wait to deal with this, then I will find out that I don't need to.  It will "un-happen".  FAIL.  Not going to happen.  It's still here and still needs to be handled in some way.  Give up the hope that the past will be different.   Don't live in the space of "if only that hadn't happened."
• There was the analogy used of a picture of what you thought that your life would be hanging on the wall.  It falls down and breaks in a million pieces.  You sit there and look at it and know that it will never put itself back together.  But you can put the picture back together.  It will be a different picture but it can be a good picture.  You just have to put it together yourself. 
• Look for the message in every problem.  Don't fight the problem.  Every problem teaches a message.
• Pay attention to "life".   It's speaking to you all the time.
• Create what you want instead of be stuck on what you don't have.
• "You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people.  But until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will ooze through and stain your life.  You must find the strength to open the wound, stick your hand inside, pull out the core of the pain, the memory, and make peace with it?  Make peace with the past."
• When you hold onto the pain, it goes from being baggage to being monogrammed luggage.
• Under the anger is the hurt; and under the hurt is the love.
• Your life is like a rosebud.  We have to "break open" in order to blossom to the beautiful flower that we are intended to be. 
• It is not that we are unhappy because of what we are not getting.  We are unhappy because of what we are not giving.
• When we are in intense pain, we must go forward well.  We are the only models that our children have as to how to deal with pain.  We are their teachers.
• When you look at life through the lens of gratitude, you don't see as many obstacles or hindrances.  You see potential and possibilities.   Then you are an open vehicle for spirituality

Later.

Thanksgiving......family, food, fun, and foolishness.  How much more can one day take?   We had our usual gathering with family.  It was a smaller group this year, but that was good, too.  This time it was just family members so I got to visit more with personally with people I love.   It's all good.  The food...amazing as always.  My sister is the best cook that I know of.  We all brought our contributions to the feast, but she just has that way to put it all together.  YUM!  Fun....there is always family football, crafts and games.  The day goes very fast.  Lots of smiles.   Lots of teasing.  Lots of hugs, kisses and "I love you".  Just what it is suppose to be. 

So then why did I come home sad?  Oh, yes.  There's the foolishness.  That would be added to the mix by my darling boy, #1.  As you know he has himself in a deep well of trouble.  One that no one could escape unscathed.  He has large debts to pay.  Some with money; some to society.  Actually, I think he finally realizes it.   A little too late.  When he and a friend were on foot in the middle of a heavy storm, they sought shelter under the roof of an abandoned house.  They were ticketed with trespassing which broke the agreement of his parole.  There is a warrant out for him.  He told us he was going to run.  We exhausted every chance to talk him out of it.  While we were at a restaurant in Texas, he called a friend to pick him up and disappeared with him.  This can't end well.  They may not want him bad enough to spend a lot of time looking for him, but we all know, that one day he will mess up.  Then the punishment will be more.  I can't blame him for not wanting to go back to prison.  He is so scarred from that nightmare.  I'm also afraid that he won't make it out of this alive.  That is really hard to say/write.  He is depressed about his situation; the girlfriend; the future.  How do you parent this child?   Where is the sage advice that I'm suppose to have?  I've got nothing.   I'm so mad at him and my heart is hurting for him at the same time.  I have no answers.  Only prayers.

Later.

Thank You

If this blog was a person, she would be model thin by now from lack of food.  I haven't been very consistent in feeding it lately.   I mostly use this to "talk to myself" and as a sounding board for the expert therapy that my "bloggy buddies" offer.  For both of those reasons, this has become very valuable to me.  I have made some sweet friends.  I have learned and grown from each of you.  I've learned about crafts and hobbies that look amazing and I want to try, will never try, could not possibly do or don't have a clue about.  I have learned family dynamics from other perspectives.  I've learned more about my own family dynamics through other eyes. 

Some of my biggest laughs have come from right here.  Some people just tell a story so well and I love to listen/read.  I've learned invaluable life lessons.  My eyes have been opened to different viewpoints and ways to live life.  You've cried with me through family losses and trials and I have cried with you for the same.  I've seen you grow as human beings and hopefully, you have seen me grow a little, too.

So, we are entering in to the Thanksgiving season.  Everyone is putting on their thankful.  I want to put mine out and tell you that I am thankful for you.  You are my own private, special friends.  You fill a special place in my heart and life.  You've offered me your hearts, you ears, your tears your guidance and your encouragement.  You've been an anchor and you've been my wings.  Thank you.

Later.

Another Life Lesson

"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...."   WAIT!   There is sunshine!  Actually, the sun is shining really brightly and we can see it.   YEA!!!

Yep!  She's gone.   We took her to the bus station yesterday!  Whew!  Hub and I then went out for a celebratory breakfast.  I do feel just a little ashamed that I am so happy she has left, but it was just time.  She's not a bad girl, but this "failure to launch" problem needs to be handled by her family; not ours.  She has really set us back financially, not to mention the stress and fights that she has caused.   No more spending two hours of my day, much gas, and even more frustration every day getting her to and from a job.  #2 has been totally disgusted with us that she was living in our home.  She even gave us $200.  Let's see, $200 for supporting her for close to a year.   We should all find a deal like that.  Let me wipe the word sucker off of my forehead.

So...it is just the three of us in our home......until next Wednesday when a dear friend and her daughter are coming to visit for a few days.   Then the next day, #1 gets out of jail.  He will be here for a bit.  He has other legal issues to deal with.  Sigh......

We've had an "interesting" week in the financial world.  On Tuesday night, Hub received a call on his cell phone from the State Police.  They said, "Mr. ________, are you missing a check book?"  That's a question that will start your heart.  Since I'm the family banker, this immediately went to me.  I didn't understand as I keep a pretty good eye online of our accounts.  Well, to make a long story short, wrong Mr. _______.   But wait; it was our son.  When he moved out from the girl, he took his things and moved into a house with some other misfits for a while.  (Misfits is the nicest word that I can come up with.  Coke whore first came to mind.)  Anyway, he was just there for a few days and came to his senses.  Went back though and everything he had there was gone.  We're talking furniture, clothes, obviously checks, car keys, and even a car door that had been bought to work on his car.  Very expensive lesson.  Anyway, Hub told the police to lock up the people and throw away the key.  The account had been closed long ago, so there were no repercussions there.

The next day, I checked our account on-line.  I noted three charges from our debit card for purchases at a computer company .com amounting to about $400.   Whoa!   I called the company and they said that the orders were started in CA and were shipped to NH and PA.  The items had already shipped so there was no stopping the order.   They gave me the account number and marked the account as fraud.  Not much help to me.  Called the bank and they red carded my debit card so that it any other charges would be tagged.  Still doesn't help me get back my $400.  Went to the bank to start the process to "contest" the charges.  The manager had to cut up my debit card.  That hurt to watch.  Especially since my new one hasn't come in yet.  Then I had to go to the Police Station to file a report.  The detective takes one look at my statement and cheerfully says "Oh, I ordered a computer from them."   Congratulations.  Did you use my card?  He also let me know that probably not much would happen except show the bank that I am serious about getting my money back.  Not what I wanted to hear, but I appreciate his honesty.

So what have we learned from this experience?

1. Officer said that to use credit card versus debit card for online purchases.  It is easier to get a credit issued than try to get money back.
2. If you are trying to make a purchase online and there is an issue and it sends you back to the start to re-enter everything, stop right there.  You can be being sent to a hacker's site and never even know it.    (I actually had this happen 2-3 weeks ago, so I think this is when they got the numbers.)
3. Don't let anyone else use a debit card with your name on it.  The bank manager said that Visa may give us trouble because my husband had my card in his wallet for 2-3 days.  I'm the only one that carries our debit card.  We went out to eat the Sunday before and I didn't want to carry my purse.  I gave it to him and he put it in his wallet.  The restaurant even had him sign the ticket as sometimes happens when they run it through as a credit instead of a debit.  Proof positive that he had it for Visa.  Doesn't even matter that we are married and the card is on a joint account.  Isn't that nuts?
4. I hate mean, dishonest people.

Got to go finish cleaning the guest room and guest bathroom.

Later.

Call the "whambulance"!

Please pardon me while I whine "a little".   Could turn into a full blown rant, so hang on.  Let me get the bullets going.  (Not real bullets, silly.  Not yet anyway.)

• I have automatic notices set up if our bank accounts get below a certain level.  Got one of those e-mails on Wednesday.  Pulled up my account and there were three charges to a company called NewEgg.com.  Never heard of the company; never made the charges.  I called the company and told them that they were not ours.  They said that the orders had already shipped to New Hampshire and Pennsylvania but that they would tag the account.  Whoopee!  I'm still out $400.  I called the bank and they red lined my account.  I went up there to start the paperwork to challenge the charge.  She took my debit card and CUT IT UP!  (That hurt.)  She ordered me a new one with a different number but it will take a few days to get it.  I'm in withdrawal.  She said that my best hope was to demand that the company give me a refund.  She said the Visa may give us trouble as the card was not always in my possession.  Hub had it and used it part of last week.  Even though it is a joint account and we are married, that shows that I authorized someone else to use my card.  NUTS!  I did call the company back and tried everything, but nothing.  They said that the bank should not have approved it.  They could care less.  I went to the police station and filled a report.  The officer took one look at my statement and said "Oh, I bought a computer from them."  Congratulations.  He took the info but basically he admitted that we are just going through the motions.  He did give me a website to register this complaint that is put up by the FBI.  Funny thing though, Wednesday night several of us were waiting for the kids to get out of youth group.  I told someone what had happened and another gal said that the same thing happened to her husband last week.  Both of had 3 charges from the same company.  Can't figure this out as we use different banks and they were out of state most of the week.  Couldn't find anywhere that both of us had used our debit card.  Moral of this story:  Use a credit card instead of a debit.  Easier to get a credit than money.  Also, don't let hubby use a card with your name on it.
• Our youth group has been studying purity all month and we will have a purity banquet this Sunday.  They really want to make it nice and important for the kids.  They are dressing up as if for prom and everything is decorated very wedding-ish.  I love doing this type of thing.  Did it at our previous church.  A formal sit-down dinner for 2,000 of my closest friends was my pride and joy.  Came out beautifully if I say so myself.  We had such a good team.  I'm excited.  Then I find out....we have no budget.  No, zero, nada, nothing.  This is a small church and they are paying for purity rings for everyone.  That took it all.  So..I went shopping at ..My House, and then a friend's house.  Someone scoured the warehouse at church.  A new member just got married a couple of months ago.  She brought us tons of tulle.  We are pulling it all together.  Actually, I think it will be fine.  I've scoured Pinterest.
• I went this afternoon to Garden Ridge to pick up some ribbon, branches (I know, Viv.  I should of sprayed my own.), picks, etc.   Just a few things to finish out.  Had a good time with it and even found a roll of Christmas leopard print wire ribbon for me. (Score!)  Waited in a long line.  Checked e-mail.  Get to the check out.  Ooh.  Mama also want a piece of chocolate.  Adds up to $43.  Start to write a check...they don't take checks.  Remember, I don't have a debit card right now.  Pull out a credit card that I very seldom use and slide it.   It's expired.  I have like $11 in my purse.  I beg him not to put it back and I run out to try to find a bank.  It's 5:20 on a Friday afternoon and I still have to pick up our "guest that won't leave" at 5:30.  Don't see a branch of our bank around so I run to pick the girl up.  I start scanning my phone for a bank branch.  TRAFFIC GALORE!  Find one on the same street that she works on.   We fly out of there.  We go 10 minutes...in the wrong direction.  We turn around and are so hemmed in that at 5:58.. I gave up.  Actually, I'm about to cry.  We have a lot to do and people are meeting at the church at 10:30.  Problem is that #2 has his last baseball game tomorrow at 9:30.  We will be tied up until about noon.
• Well, and back to the girl.  This is my son's girlfriend that we have already supported and carted around since Christmas.  Yep, we're suckers.  She and our son have been broken up for over a month and we had told her that she could stay with us again instead of their ghetto house.  Just so she could get her things ready to moved to California and have some money to go.   Well the first weekend that she was with us, she came home on payday with lots of bags.  Seems that she needed some clothes and shoes.  (?)   Then, she was suppose to be out two weeks ago, but turns out that she was overdrawn at her bank.  Duh!   She kept getting bank notices every day and she just said that they were statements.  She wouldn't even open them.  So now it has been another two weeks.  She was to have gotten her check today.  Nope.  Won't be in until Monday.  She owes us money, too.  Actually a lot more but that's another story.  The way she talks, I think she is planning to go and hang out with her grandfather instead of living with her mother.  I came down on her tonight and told her she needs to step up and get a job and support herself wherever she lands.  And get a job close to her home.  I spend an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon round trip getting her to and from work.  Two hours of my day plus car expenses.  (Certify me now.)  I told her that even her mother would probably not do that for her.  She snapped back, "Well, sorry if I am such an inconvenience."  Hey, she finally got it!  I need my guest room.  I have a sweet friend that is dying to visit.  I've bought new pillows and everything to put out when she leaves.  So leave already!
• One more gripe about the girl (and my husband).   How come men are so easily manipulated by a young girl?  Her mother calls Hub telling him that she has never had a father figure and looks at him as her father.  (Barf!  Wonder where she learned manipulation.)  The girl plays it up big time.  You know when another woman is playing up your husband.  She tells me one thing and then cries on his shoulder with "the truth".   Of course, I get to play bitch to her poor little thing.   I'm really done. 

Okay.   I've gotten a bit of my whine out.   Wish I had some wine to go with it.  I'll try to make my next post more up.  Maybe I will tell you what a wonderful banquet we had.  Maybe I will tell you that the bank refunded my money plus interest for my trouble.   Maybe I will tell you that the Rangers won the World Series.  Maybe not.

Later.

Ladies, start your engines!

Busy, busy times.  October is the start of the “family season”.  Not only the Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s train gets rolling, but my son and husband have birthdays, there’s Halloween, and of course, in our house anyway, there is the World Series and the Super Bowl.  (Especially when the Texas Rangers are playing.  Go Rangers!)  I really enjoy decorating for fall, but somehow I seem to relate decorating for Christmas with high stress.  Every year I promise myself to do it differently; more sanely and more sweetly.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy the holidays; there is just so much expectation that goes along with it.  There are a lot of fun special opportunities.  There are parties.  Our church calendar is already filling up with fun and worthwhile service activities.  There are special things going on around town that we want to take advantage of.  Christmas movies are part of our traditions.  What is Christmas without “Rudolph”, “Frosty the Snowman”, “White Christmas”, “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and “Christmas Vacation”?  Those are all part of our traditions.  It’s just so darn busy.  I am always so relieved when it is time to go to church on Christmas Eve.  That is when I know that whatever is done or not, there is no more I can do.  It also brings me back to what it’s all about.  Time to exhale.  Whew!  But for right now, “Women, start your engines.”

So in the interest of keeping connected, this is what has been going on:

·         #2 son turned 14.  OMG.  As soon as he studies and takes a test, he will be awarded a learner’s permit to drive.   Crazy stuff.  He was sick on his birthday and the day before.  He wanted only one thing for his birthday.  (How many times did I hear “only one thing”?  He’s not spoiled much. ) He wanted a 32” flat screen mounted in his room.  Good for him, Best Buy had a special on installation or that wouldn’t have happened.  He went on a weekend church retreat with 3 of his friends and his dad was a counselor, so I would say that he had a pretty good birthday.

·         A week ago today, #1 went to court for one of his escapades.  The attorney told him the day before that he may not get a plea bargain as he had chosen not to respond when they sent him one.  The sentence could be as much as 9 years.  Luckily, he received 30 days and 5 years of probation.  He will get out just in time to appear for his next issue.  This never gets any easier.  I just try to remove myself from it.  Sometimes, I can actually do it.  Only sometimes. 

·         He and the girlfriend are going separate ways.  We had told her that she could stay with us while she got things ready to move to California with her mother.  We didn’t want her to stay by herself in the ghetto home they had rented.  But now I am really ready for her to go.  You have to push her with everything.  Yes, I am pushing.  We’ve supported her for 7 months.  That’s plenty.

·         Hub’s birthday is this Friday.  He is getting his “birthday weirdness” on.  He is such a girl some times.  We had a big party last year since he turned 60.  This year, not so much.  I couldn’t even invite his sis as our guest room has someone living in it.  L

·         Our youth group had a lock/in/out/down this past weekend.  #2 invited 5 of his friends to go.  They needed another chaperone so I went.  I intended to just stay until about 2 a.m. but ended up staying all night.  We started at the church and then went bowling and had pizza.  Then we went ice skating and broom ball.  Maybe I should say they went ice skating.  I did bowl though (and rather well I might say).  We went back to the church about 5 and a sweet mom was there with eggs, hot biscuits and sausage gravy.  I’m not usually a gravy person, but I have to admit it was really tasty.  I came home, took a Tylenol PM and slept until about 12:30.  Then we went to a “wienie” roast, hayride, and bonfire out in the beautiful country.  So beautiful and so much fun.  I love the people at our church…and toasted marshmallows, too.

·         Don’t know if I mentioned it or not, but I did find a new home for my grand dog.  Everyone promised to, but didn’t.  I finally put her on Craigslist and actually had several responses.  I’m sure she is much happier and I know that I am.

Hope you guys are enjoying the fall.  Have you discovered Pinterest?  It is my newest obsession.  If you haven’t decorated for fall, just go there.   I’m sure you will be inspired.

Later.

She chose life.

Fourteen years ago today, I stood outside of a hospital room door praying and waiting.  Waiting to hear the first cries of a baby.  Not any baby.  My baby.  My little boy.  The 2nd little baby that we had longed for, planned for, prayed for, and waited for.  We had already been there for about 12 hours before we heard his wails.  It was still 20-30 minutes before Hub and I got to go in and meet him.  Love at first sight?  No.  I already loved this little one.  I had sat in for several hours by the mother that would give him birth, just listening to the music of his heart beating.  It was strong and beautiful.  I had been getting to know his birth family for about two months, but hearing the sounds of his beating heart.....well, it took my breath away.  Before then, I was in love with the dream of a baby.  At that point, I fell in love with him.  He responded to me, too.  When I would speak, he would turn his face to me.  Did he know that I was the mother who would enjoy his smiles, kiss his tears away and love him forever?  I like to think so. 

At the same time that I was standing there in awe of this little baby, there was another mother who was starting down a path of intense emotional pain.  I really don't think that she comprehended how intense her feelings would be.  In all of my joy, I hurt for her.  Nine months earlier, this was her nightmare outcome after spending an evening with a co-worker.  A life changer and a deal breaker in her plans of college and career.  She could have handled her "little problem" differently, but she chose life.  Thank God she chose life.  Her first motherly decision.  Now she looked for a plan.  She contacted an agency with experience in this to guide her.  There was counselling, meetings, paperwork and health appointments.  Every day, she chose life.  She read through stacks of profiles and poured through albums of pictures that were there to introduce her to prospective parents.   She looked through trying to make a connection.  Trying to see something in there that would lead her to feel drawn to this couple to parent her child.  A huge responsibility for anyone, much less a 20 year old.  But still, she chose life.  Now though, she had to put an action to her plan.  Now there was this beautiful, squirmy, helpless little human being looking up at her.  She was touching baby hands and smelling baby smells.  She would put her cheek next to the soft hair on his head.  She felt the beating heart that we had been hearing.  Now it was real with ten little fingers and ten little toes.  Could she really do it?   She wasn't so sure.  She liked our family.  We had a growing connection.   I think she felt good about her decision to choose us, but now the issue was letting him go home with someone else.  Would she be able to sleep not knowing if he was in bed or sleeping or comfortable?   What if she was wrong about us?  What if some day he held this decision against her?  What if?   What if she hadn't chosen life?"

We had a unity ceremony in the chapel of the hospital before we left.  This was to celebrate this child and our two families coming together for his good.   There was just a few special people there, but not the birth mother.  She was late.  Then, she was really late.  The case worker came down to tell us that she had not signed the needed papers and that she wasn't positive that she even would.  Our hearts were being ripped out of our chests.  For ourselves, for this precious innocent baby and for her.  I knew her pain would be intense, but I hadn't seen this coming.  I'm sure she didn't either.  After an eternity of an hour jplus twenty, we received the news that she had signed.  Then she, her mother and the baby came down to the chapel.  She was pale with swollen, red eyes.  She was stoic, yet fragile at the same time.  We had our little celebration ceremony.  Poems were read; prayers were said; she and I both lit a unity candle as two mothers united over one little boy.  We hugged, we cried; we passed the baby back and forth between us, and we hurt together at her feelings of  loss.  Still, she had chosen life.  The hardest decision that she could make but a selfless decision in the best interest of a very, very loved little boy.

I'm sure that she is remembering that day today as well.  She now has a daughter and is pregnant with another little girl.  Her life is good.  I don't think that she regrets anything that she went through for our baby.  She may even hold her daughters just a little tighter because of him. 

So now we are the parents of a smart, funny, silly, charming, SPOILED fourteen year old.   He can't wait for us to go to his favorite Mexican food restaurant tonight.  Today has been all about him.  (Of course, most days are but that's another story.)  He has brought our family so much love, smiles and joy.  I thank God for him every day.  All because she chose life.  God bless her always.

Later.

Another "Only in Arkansas" moment

There is something about small towns that can be so fun.  We went to the high school football game on Friday night.  Perfect football weather.  Cool and crisp.  The stands were full.  People support the kids here.  They have fun traditions.  Here after every home team touchdown, the cheerleaders drop on the track and do as many push ups as the score.  Poor girls.  The score Friday night was 45-35.  I'm sure those girls were exhausted.

This also game me another chapter in "Only in Arkansas".   The sports announcer started talking about "Cow Chip Bingo".   HUH?   New one for me!   The guy next to me was surprised that I didn't know what this was.  (Go figure!)   So anyway, you buy a square on a scoreboard.   I have no idea how many there are, but I imagine there are quite a few.  Then they take the baseball field and grid it off in corresponding squares.   Next is the great part!   They bring in a COW and let him loose on the field.  The owner of the square where the cow makes poo (moo-poo, I guess) will be the winner of $1500.  I kid you not.   He says that the announcer will give updates during the game ie. "No winner yet."  "The cow hasn't gone yet."   Isn't that hysterical?   Only in Arkansas!

Later.

The Help: the movie and my truth

The Help.     Have you read it?  Have you seen the movie?  Did you love both?  I certainly did.  It’s now one of my favorite movies.

Movies set in the 60’s are so fun for me.  Not exactly the Beach Blanket Bingo types, although they are fun, too.  I love to see the ones that show the inside of the homes and the popular things of the time.  I was a little girl then.   It’s fun to go back and remember things of childhood.  How things looked; what we did; what we ate, how we entertained. Looking at the set from The Help, I saw things that were in my parent’s home.  Familiar things:  metal TV trays with flowers painted on them, black & white televisions, cat-eyed eyeglasses with rhinestones.  I never had glasses back then but boy did I want them.   

I was also very aware of all the cigarette smoking in the movie.  Back then, it was an accepted thing.  There were ashtrays everywhere.  We had some in our house.  My dad smoked a pipe but he was the only one that lived in our house that smoked.  People would come over and never think anything about lighting up.  I remember cleaning the ashtrays afterwards and thinking how much they smelled, but we would have never asked someone not to light up.  That was the way it was at the time.  It was an accepted thing in homes and at work.  We didn’t make special place for them to smoke; we put ashtrays all over so that it would be convenient for them.  We were more concerned about ashes on the floor and furniture.   News reporters always smoked.  It made them look more serious and smart.  (We thought.)  Beautiful girls in gowns and in clubs always smoked and sometimes had a long cigarette holder.  It made them look sophisticated and sexy.  (We thought.)

The Help also brought to the forefront, and sometimes uncovered, the relationships of households and “their help”.  It is probably good for us to be reminded of how far we have come.  In every society, there have been injustices that will be or have been corrected as we become more sensitive and aware of the issues.  Lots of sympathetic tears were shed as we watched characters that we got to know and appreciate be treated as lesser human beings.  I cried.  Me, a Southerner that grew up with a wonderful lady coming into our home a few days a week to “help”.  Did she raise me?  No.  Did we build her a separate toilet?   No way.  I presumed she used the only one in our home.  I don’t know.  Never thought about it.  Did I love her?  Yes.  She was a fun, happy person with a great smile who was in my life.  I followed her around and was reminded many, many times by my mother to stay out of her way.  Did I consider her our maid, housekeeper, help, lesser person?  She was Callie.  Just Callie.  She came to my house and I loved her.  We also had a black man that worked at my daddy’s business for many years.  He was actually a very respected pastor in the largest colored church in the area.  My dad and he talked “Bible” all the time.  They were good friends with a mutual respect.  Still, they were on different paths.

My point is to just put out there a little disclaimer about the movie.  While the behavior of the families depicted was appalling and inexcusable, some of these relationships were “just the way it was”.  My parents would never treat anyone that way no matter their job and would have totally punished me if I had.  Still, it was an accepted fact then that black men and women generally worked for white people.   Sadly, these were the roles we were put in just by the color of our skin.  I remember “colored” restrooms and “colored” water fountains.  Blacks were directed to them just as we would direct people to the men’s room or ladies’ room.  As a white girl, I never thought about that they couldn’t use our facilities.  It was just that the other was theirs.  The thing is that generally, and as far I knew, most black people accepted that as theirs, too.  Black children had to question why things were separate, but for the most part, they were taught just like the white kids, that they just were.  I can’t imagine how they felt.  Still, we were operating in total ignorance.  One generation teaches the next until it is finally questioned and change happens.  That generation wasn’t made up of bad people; just black and white people both acting and living by the guidelines of that time.

So, read the book and go see the movie.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.   It’s an important story told very well.  Although a fictional story, similar things really did happen and were really, really wrong.  But just as in our ignorance about smoking and its effect, know that for the most part, this was the accepted standard that was in place at the time.    We should have all had the questioning of “Skeeter” in us and the bravery of “Aibileen”.